Most Things are Garbage.

Something you need to know if you’re reading this. Don’t take it to heart.

Like any of it. Seriously.

‘Most things are garbage’ is not my outlook on life, it’s humor. It’s just one of those things to say rather than letting life get to me and letting out that inevitable and undeniably guttural sigh of exhaustion in life. Kinda like saying:

‘Why is this my life?!’

or

‘Why does my iPhone know to auto-correct Kardashian?’

or

‘Why does Honey-Boo-Boo get to be famous and I get this 03′ Civic with one working speaker?’

This blog is what I have decided to use as a means to take a humorous outlook on myself and life this year, instead of in a private blog format that I keep to myself or a limited audience. My mother informed me (and multiple sources confirm below) that my self-deprecating ramblings don’t always come across as joking or humorous, and asked me to start being more positive! So I figured this would be the easiest way to go about resolving the issue. It’s nothing you’re forced to read and honestly, the decision is yours. Basically this is a means for me to poke fun and enjoy life by writing about it the way I write about things.

So, ya know…if you enjoy giggles, lolz, or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays and you can handle it being laced with heavy sarcastic undertones and wit, then stick around and maybe you’ll enjoy it!

2013 to me was what can only be described as the one of the most off-years this far into my life. It was literally doomed from the start and my mind was in a very negative place not suited to handle life choices, simple or difficult. I made errors, I course corrected, and here we are.

It’s a new year. It’s a time to ask the age old important question.

No, not what are my New Years resolutions. Don’t be stupid. There’s like a billion other questions you could ask that are more important than that. Like:

  • Why is Duck Dynasty still a thing?
  • At what exact moment in life does snow go from being fun to obnoxious?
  • Why am I still not Justin Bieber?
  • Do the green M&Ms really…ya know…make you…ya know?

See? All more important.

But in this case I’m talking the most self reflecting thing one could truly ask themselves, and then spend years searching for the answer to:

Who am I?

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Got it.

Lets pause to touch base with the at-home readers. Here’s a simplified little blurb on who I am IMO (in my opinion, for those playing the home game) at the age of 25 in bullet form (AKA practice for my dating profile-Don’t worry mom, I am being safe about it this time):

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•5’9″ 153 lbs.
•Homeowner
•Father to an anxiety ridden Dachshund and a Tuxedo cat with an affinity for bathrooms.
•Single
•Fully Employed by the State of New York with full benefits
•Non-drinker, occasional cigar smoker, and semi-healthy individual but not an exercise freak, I get along really well with food that’s shitty for me – kindred spirits I guess
•Good friend
•Caring
•At a defining BUT temporary impasse in life

Now, skeptical readers will probably read this and say, “Nice bio Mr. High-and-mighty…no flaws!”

Look, I’d take the time to point out the bajillion I have myself, but I’m really into this bag of Milano cookies on my lap and it requires all my attention right now, and because I know it’s important in all of this, my lazy-ass reached out to the masses and gathered a vast spectrum of blurbs about myself. So let’s take a look at the stats:

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT!

EVERYONE TELL ME BRUTALLY AND HONESTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF ME AS A PERSON!

The ‘probably going to be positively skewed Motherly’ opinion:

You are a very empathetic, sympathetic honestly caring individual. You are so very talented in so many ways. But you can also show on occasion a wicked anger that comes up strong and fast.

You are kind sometimes to a fault. You love with your whole heart!

Thanks Mom. Leave out the part about my fresh cut grass fetish and sub-par grade point average. By the way I just mailed your Birthday card…I’ll try to be more on time this January. Wait…shit…

The ‘”I’m not sure I met my monthly guy talk quota”-fatherly’ opinion:

Naive, normal and too intelligent for your own good sometimes. Faithful, caring, lonesome and without a doubt still in search of the meaning of life….you never find it until that moment of clarity. The “oh, now I get it” moment.

I will overlook the fact that you inserted lonesome after two nice things to soften the sting, but I’ll remember it in the future…probably when you’re old and balding…so like, you have negative five years to take that back.

The ‘male species I call a bestie’ opinion (Aka The ‘We’ve basically been in love for like seven really good months’ opinion):

Well now…ummmm. You’re one of my closest friends which speaks volumes because I don’t get close to people. You’re funny, smart, and great at getting people to come together and WANT to come together which makes our group of friends stronger because of you.

I make people want to do WHAT…?

You make missteps in life and aren’t the best at making solid relationship choices which is derived from an excessive (and unnecessary) amount of self doubt which you attempt to mask with humor.

But you’re always forcing yourself to be better in spite of your short comings which is all that really matters. You do everything you can to make sure that life doesn’t pass you by in spite of circumstances that are temporarily restricting you. That’s the best I can do off the top of my head. OH WAIT….you have fantastic hair. How could I forget about your fantastic hair? I’m jealous of your hair.

Naturally.

The ‘Female bestie that has your back’ option:

You are a strong and beautiful individual. You are talented and creative and it comes from a very honest and raw place. You are a good friend, supportive and loving. You are brave for making life changing choices and a role model for people who want to make changes in their life.

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The ‘Female bestie who is marrying your male bestie so she better be nice or heads will roll’ option:

You’re one of the funniest people I have ever met. You even have this ability to crack a joke at the most inappropriate times and still make people smile. You’re a bleeding heart, which makes for a wonderful friend, and a vulnerable boyfriend. Your hobbies and fixations run your life- object, idea or human. You seem to change things about who you are to better suit the needs of others, unusually making yourself unhappy.

You are always willing to help a friend, family member, or anyone who needs you, but you also seem to get wrapped up in your own world sometimes, leaving everyone else behind. You often ask for advice, but rarely follow it.

You refuse to admit things to other people until you admit them to yourself. You’re incredibly creative and talented. You’re one of my best and closest friends.

The ‘Asian best friend we sometimes rip on a lot and probably the reason I got this response’ opinion:

2:42 PM: Doormat.

4:44 PM: Did you seriously want a paragraph or was that a friend test. Cuz I think I failed

Yeah, you know, paragraphs…those one word things. You nailed it buddy.

The ‘One of many mom’s that isn’t actually my mom that I hang out with because they’re awesome and I’m…well, me’ opinion:

Alex Foster is someone I have known for two years now. He is a kind, fun, and quirky guy. He is someone who will give you the shirt off their back to help you and someone who will be a lifelong friend. Is he perfect…?

No.

But who is. He has made mistakes in life but has quickly learned and made changes to help make himself a better person.

The ‘Second of many mom’s that isn’t actually my mom that I hang out with because…Ok, listen I really get along well with moms’ opinion:

So, my theme for Alex Foster. I believe Alex to be an honest friend. I think he is caring & open. There are times, though, that I’d like to slap him for being unhappy in his skin. He needs to realize that he is only 26…

(or is it 25?)

…years old, and having a great paying job and owning his own home is a great place to be in his life for now. FOR NOW! Planning to spread his wings in five years and being satisfied learning & earning right now is the best advise I’d give to him. I also think he can be way too hard on himself & needs to laugh more. At times, he seems like the class clown…

…laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

I love him dearly, but it would be great if he could learn to ask for help when he needs it, and accept help when it’s offered!! I would trust Alex with any secret I’d tell him.

Shucks.

The ‘I worked in a pizza parlor with this girl over the course of four months in the summer and she was very cool and nice but super skeptical of me asking her for her opinion of me but based on time known you should all hold this one to the highest regard that was sarcasm just FYI’ opinion:

You are an amazing intellectual creative person who is a hard worker.. you are a great person to have as a friend .. you are witty and always make me laugh even when you or I are having a bad day u do t let your bad mood effect others … any person is lucky to call you a friend

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Preach girl. Preach.

The ‘Ex that started off 2013 with a bang that I don’t really talk to anymore but, really? This is what you think?’ Opinion:

Alex Foster. Kind, loving, eager to please; often to a fault. Energetic, yet somehow, also lethargic.

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Broken stove? Whatever, no issue; let him grab the soldering iron out of his clown car, he’ll fix that right up for you. No project is too much…until he gets 1/3 of the way through…But seriously. Whatever he doesn’t know how to do, he’ll figure it out along the way. Full of surprises, he doesn’t know who he’ll be this morning any more than you do, literally.

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I’m serious. He’s a delightfully frustrating combination of 13 year old boy and 75 year old man.

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The ‘Ex I was friends with, then dating, then sobbing over-into melted ice cream-that I still talk to’ opinion:

Okay I think you are a great person. You are kind and you are considerate; and you are creative and you are fun. You are patient but you are eager.

You have the emotionality of a teenage girl.

I think you are insecure with who you are.

You seem to try really hard to be different. You can be contradictory; you say one thing but do another. But you have a true heart and a good heart and you are a very good person.

The ‘Eighth grade teacher that still keeps in touch even though she no longer lives in the state and has a child to deal with that isn’t me anymore’ opinion:

Alex is an artist. Whether working in theater, with music, photography or written word, the outcome is always thought provoking, emotional, often witty, and filled with raw talent. You can almost hear the gears turning in his head as project ideas constantly run through it.

Alex has never been afraid to face challenges, both within himself and in the outside world. He has a great sense of humor which he often uses to shape how he views the world and himself.

(I just wish he wouldn’t be so self-deprecating!)

Alex is a genuinely good person- kind to others, caring about friends and family, loyal to those who love him. I’m proud to know him and call him my friend.

I suddenly feel…smarter.

The ‘Girl I fooled around with a smidge a looooong time ago that periodically checks in to see what my life consists of, just so there’s no mystery within the gaps of silent years’ opinion:

Not a great listener, can be overly dramatic and stubborn.

You have a little bit of the victim complex going on sometimes.

On the flip side, when you have someone you’re interested in, you do devote a lot of time and energy into that relationship, you have a healthy level of sarcasm. I don’t know this is a lot of pressure.

______________

Well, that wasn’t awkward at all!

Well, I’m not here to defend myself against any of that malarkey. I didn’t reach out for a boost of confidence, though bonus! I appreciate the honesty and all the descriptions made are based off each one knowing me in some way shape or form in life so I take it all to heart as a nice form of constructive criticism. Honestly it’s super humbling in more ways than one and I am exceedingly grateful to have such wonderful people around me in life.

I’m sure if you stumble across this and you know me and you’ve met me you have your own opinions and I’m sure they’re unbelievably accurate…

Especially you, ‘girl that lived around the corner from me in high school for 10 years and still didn’t remember my name at graduation’

…and feel free to send them my way…by whatever means you want to…email, facebook, postal service…carrier pigeon?

So now! What I will do is take all of this in and begin to look at myself and at my life, practically, which in terms of me probably looks something like this:

That is where I stand at 25.

I am an uncomfortable and jumbled ball of different descriptions not held down or defined by one consistent theme because they all have different aspects.

It’s just as an individual should be right?

I guess I just get so caught up in trying to get a move on that I am missing the downtime of experiencing everything, the way most people are getting to that point where they just shut up, stop trying so hard, and just kind of let it be.

And then it gets better.

That’s the thing about this year though, I think it is going to need to be a little uncomfortable for me. It needs to be filled with trying to get to that point where I feel like I’m beating my best into submission by whatever means I need, baseball bat, fire, effeminate slapping…but it needs to just kinda happen on its own, while I don’t really try to figure it all out.

Honestly. I think this year is going to be good.

Nay.

Fabulous.

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