First and foremost I want you all to know that I never intended for the tattoo I got to cover most of my lower back, I was specific in my description to the artist and he took some liberties with size and shape. I promise it’s not as bad as it sounds, and please don’t listen to any of the haterz that might tell you it is a ‘tramp stamp’.
That implies I’m easy and we all know how selective I am in who I let take advantage of me.
Listen, we all hit that lull in life. I don’t want any of you to feel down about yourselves when you get there. It’s a point when you have crucial decisions to make about life. Its a point where you need to weigh your post degree options for employment. It’s a point when you’re on your own and everyone tells you it’s time to truly discover who you are as a person which is horseshit, they just can’t say sucks you’re single again without sounding abrasive and mightier than thou.
You will eventually get back up on the horse you rode into the world on and you will become the best person you have ever been.
I’m guessing of course…I’m not really in control of the world. You may end up being a blob who lays in front of their HULU plus account all day that slings meth for a living to desperate ladies of the night willing to go above and beyond for that next fix.
Either way, I have read that the key to success is to make life what you want it to be. I believe it was the night janitor of my office building who once said:
“Would you like me to get rid of the garbage?”
And yes. Yes, I genuinely would like the garbage from life removed. Such a wise man to speak such prophetic questions!
But where do I start?!
By meeting new people of course! No, not out at the bars silly! We don’t do that! I’m speaking of course, of the only logical place to meet anyone these days…
Now pay close attention Mom and Dad, fellow readers, I’m talking about legitimate social sites! I wont be flying cross country or anything to meet someone who has four shared interests with me according to their profile blurb, because that would just be crazy and honestly no matter how much they promise it will be action packed and exactly like that movie ‘Taken’, I am really seeking something low key.
I’m going local, and I’m being smart about it! I won’t go outside a fifteen mile radius, and that’s my final offer here for these new people, and frankly it seems like a good way to limit the plethora of individual I will undoubtedly rope in with my honest to goodness ‘about me’ details.
I signed myself up on three websites to meet people initially because my friend Foo, the Asian one who isn’t really named Foo but absolutely lives up to every single Asian stereotype…
…well he told me they were not useful, full of robots and girls that stand you up at the movies, and quite possibly the biggest waste of time in the universe…and I really thought that it would be a good morale booster based on that description.
Really though, people go about it all wrong. Humanity doesn’t understand the way the masses respond nowadays. They don’t genuinely want to know who you are, or what you’re into when your not helping your cat clean itself at night during a riveting episode of American Idol.
Foo, and world, take note. I have perfected the craft. These are my legitimate profiles:
Now this site, from what I understand is basically a dating site that comes with the connotation that you want to make the sex with a mutually interested sex maker. Like getting coffee but with your genitalia if you will!
The part that is interesting/unbelievably uncomfortable about this app, aside from possibly getting plugged by a complete stranger, is that you show your mutual sex interest in the most shallow way possible. Here’s how it works:
Step 1: User picture pops up.
Step 2: Judge the absolute and utter fuck out of this probably genuine human being solely on how they look.
Are they unbelievably attractive?
Swipe them to the right! You want to bone them. Be proud.
Do they appear as though they may have been hit by a truck/be missing an appendage/actually be a psychotic axe murderer hell bent on revenge because their ex left them for someone much fitter and muscular than you and all you can do is sob about it night after night?
Swipe that shit to the left.
You’re not interested.
They can make the sex without you.
The nice part about this app is that until the other person shows interest in you as well…you’ll never see/hear from them ever again! But if you mutually swipe eachother to the right…it sets you up to start messaging them things about you. Like how ham gives you really bad gas. Or how Michael Jackson may be your illigitamate love father, but you’ll never see a dime of his money because the other four brothers are selfish.
Anyway you’re allowed to type an about me, but it is limited to a certain amount of characters, kind of like using the Twitter, so I knew if I had any chance at convincing anyone to swipe me right, I absolutely had to come across irresistible.
So this site is fun! While it can be used completely for free, the creators want to limit you to minimal interactions with your new cohorts. But for a small fee you can beef up your profile and even find out when and where and how often people are re-reading your bio to gain insight into who you really truly are, and making it easier to meet up/slip something in your drink/make you their living Barbie doll tied up in their basement. It’s like prostitution but amongst new friends if you pay, so I picked the free route. It has absolutely nothing to do with me being a cheap bastard.
First they suggest you pick a really nice user picture, not because society is shallow and stuff and ready to nix you at the drop of a hat because you look like Rita the Elephant Woman or Bobby the King of Facial Acne, but because when people read your deets they’re gonna want a face to go with all those little fun facts about you. I chose that squinty one from above again, because why alter perfection, right?
By the way Mom, how proud are you that you and Dad made the sex and that was the result?
(Oh, I wonder if I should add date of conception to my bio? TBD…)
Awesome! We’re on our way here! Readers, are you paying attention? This is were it becomes crucial!
Filling out your info:
Now we want to be honest and not at all misleading here, yet at the same time, we need to make ourselves look attractive and appealing as fuck using only our words. Here’s my about me:
The new people that look at us are going to appreciate our honestly and that is what people value most nowadays.
NEXT! We have to talk about things we are good at. Take a moment and reflect on all the things you do in life.
Are you actually good at anything?
Put that shit down. And be super specific, people fucking appreciate specificity.
I don’t want to be boastful, but at this point we should really clear our schedules for the next couple of months because we’re going to have zero free time with all the babes and buddies rolling in now.
Wait! Stop it!
What the hell was that Alex?! That was TOO honest.
No girl is going to read that list and think to themselves, ‘Man I sure am glad this guy was honest. He seems like straight up husband material, what with the O.C. being his favorite show…snatch him up now!’
Quick! Recover with something clever…maybe even a lie…just make yourself look good before you lose their attention.
That was close. Just stick with that mentality for the rest of these forms.
Your favorite food is a vegetable which will draw in only people fit and unbelievably in shape like your sculpted self. Also, decent call with the mosh pit portion, nothing says masculine like bumping into sweaty teenage boys just to feel something comparable to your cold soul dying inside that shell you call a body.
More honesty and a pop culture reference?! Maybe you should open a business writing people’s profiles! It’s amazing you’ve been seeking that special someone instead of already being tied down!
Are you still paying attention? Do you see what I did there?
I took pity, and passive aggressiveness and mashed them together to create one ass-amount of appeal and reason for everyone to reach out to me.
And finally…make sure you alert everyone of your political standings! But do it subtly!
That’s right brah…pro choice 4 lyfe.
Plenty of Fish (POF):
Readers, this one is super useful. You basically just answer a bunch of questions about yourself and fill out a few quick blurbs and it starts matching your personality with people and it lets you know who you’re compatible with. It’s easy and you are going to meet the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life…your perfect life mate.
Let’s get down to business!
Start with a bio. Try to make it a little different from your other ones…but keep a common thread or two in their in case you bump into the same people from other sites! How faux pas!
You see? We left a little bit more mystery here, but allowed the reader to pursue more if they deem us socially acceptable and pretty enough to be seen with in public.
Same squinty faced picture.
Stop trying to change me world.
More specificity, interest in “Girl Power”, honesty. Safe to say we officially got this down. Let’s try not to blow it on the interests section.
Straight up readers, if you made it this far and proofed that entire list with nothing but head nods and sure utter agreement, then there is nothing more you can learn from me. There is just one thing left to do before you try to ‘lure’ in some potential interests…
The tag line.
Everyone will see this when you view their profiles/stalk them/vote them at a five star rating because they look like they’re in shape but they have really just figured out the perfect shirt to make their man-boobs look like pecks. It’s important to get your point across in this one sentence and make sure everyone knows you are taking this whole thing really seriously. Here’s a few of my personal favorites from people this website tells me I’m a perfect match for:
No wonder we matched up girl.
She’ll never buy it girl.
As long as you’re talking about ‘Goodburger’ that is.
I’m not even sure what this means.
I am genuinely concerned with getting this thing stick though.
Yo. We haven’t even met yet.
I’m starting to think you might be super needy if you give up that easy.
…like a second head? On one shoulder?
Also, you really shouldn’t be doing the whole online dating thing while you drive.
Online? On a dating site?
I found you?
Yeah…there is no way you and I could have matched up.
Don’t worry guys, after all this prodding into my personal life while setting these accounts up, I know exactly what to put to make sure people take a gander:
So friends, Mom and Dad, and anyone else who just killed fifteen minutes reading this, I’ll make sure I keep you updated with posts about the interesting people I meet. My hopes are high, and I’m in good spirit about this…
…but Foo is probably right. It’s probably not gonna work.