Dear Mom and Dad,
Well I did it!
I have been spending a lot of time on the internet meeting some really cool people through all the dating sites I signed up for. The world is such an interesting place filled with decent human beings absolutely looking for legitimate bonds with others!
Let me lay the scene out for you:
This past friday evening, I was out and about chatting up the local Starbucks barista over what I think was my fourteenth cup of coffee for the day…
…though I can’t really remember because I lost my sense of smell somewhere around cup twelve and got genuinely concerned…but I am now able to see into the near and not too distant future so as far as I am concerned I came out of that predicament on top!
Anyway! I was waiting for a meet up with my small bundle of friends for a birthday dinner when out of nowhere my phone was uncontrollably spasming in my pocket. I was in the middle of a really uplifting Alicia Keyes ballad in the corner of the store when it went off…
…and caused the melody to cease and buffer.
Needless to say it took every ounce of strength in me to not smash the phone for leaving me high and dry on the high note when it cut the song off. It’s really hard to stay on pitch when the generic alert sounds of the iPhone go off.
Well even though I stopped seeing colors at cup of coffee number 7, I was able to make out what popped up as a message from OkCupid.
Guys…someone wanted to meet me!
It was really inspiring, they basically told me flat out that we were going to be dating for a really long time, which by not having even met me, I knew was a good sign. The discussion progressed as follows…give or take:
I knew that because this was my first attempt at true love with a human being, I had to knock it out of the park:
She pressed on with some interesting details about herself:
She seemed really normal and said some really flattering things about the way I texted to me as well…and it was clear I was irresistable:
And after that…I responded with the only logical question I could:
We talked a bit more before I headed out and she made sure to touch base on all the important questions still left to ask…
- What is your bank account number?
- What is your Social Security ID?
- What is your Mother’s maiden name?
- Could you direct me to the spare key hidden behind the fourth bush from the left in your back yard, just off to the right beyond the back patio?
…all of which I answered eagerly as I knew this was going to work out and it just made sense to cut to the chase!
Anyway this female…
…what was her name again…
…whatever, thats just an extraneous detail, I’ll make sure I find out again on our second date…but for now I’ll call her Selena Gomez…
…well she basically told me I was everything she was looking for in a man. I was initially confused because I am pretty sure my profile reads like that ‘Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day’ book you used to read me as a kid.
Speaking of which…good choice reading me a book that was about how miserable life is for a kid that had the same name as me…I feel like it was really influential in the man I grew up to be. We couldn’t have gone with something uplifting like ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ or ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, because then I probably would have had a much brighter outlook on life, and THEN where would we be?!
Well we basically made out via text message for about a half hour as my caffienated fingers typed every word that popped into my head before I had time to think how terribly they may come across to a complete stranger.
My flirtation skills were so smooth there is a chance she may be pregnant from the conversation we had, I am like 80% sure she isn’t, but it’s okay if she is because I am absolutely prepared for that responsibility in life and by the time I need to take a kid anywhere I should be able to drive again!
Well she asked me what I was doing with the rest of my weekend eventually and I told her verbatim:
“I have standing plans from monday to order a large cheese pizza, throw on a pair of footie pajamas and make my way through the entire first season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ on Netflix.”
She told me immediately to cancel and we firmed up plans to meet up in the real life.
IN THE REAL LIFE MOM AND DAD!
Well I knew that my relationship with Netflix was solid enough to reschedule for a later date, so I took her up on it.
Netflix always understands.
I knew this was a big moment for me and that I had to absolutely pick something perfect for a first date.
Well I answered her back and I made it as convenient as possible and I think I knocked it out of the park.
“What are you doing at 7 A.M. tomorrow?!”
Of course no one would have anything planned that early on a saturday so it would be perfect and I was certain she wouldn’t have any plans already!
I told her to meet me at the one place I knew I couldn’t go wrong.
Also that it was within walking distance…
The Wolf Rd. Diner.
I know. I know. How am I still single right?
Well, I went to the birthday dinner and I just couldn’t get over the excitement of what was coming the next morning! I hardly slept and when I did wake in the morning, I rubbed the Prada Bags under my eyes, threw some hairspray in my untamed and refined glob of hair atop my head, and embraced my puffiest winter gear to brave the sub zero temperatures.
The sun wasn’t even up so I knew we were off to a good start…she was really going to value the fact that I made plans early enough for her to still have the rest of the day to dwell fondly over how awesome the date went!
I got there forty minutes early and had plenty of time to drink three cups of coffee while I prepared for meeting my future wife.
I pulled out my composition notebook that I had been documenting all of my tips and tricks I learned while watching rom-coms and Ryan Gosling films for research, and I buckled down on my memorization skills. I perfected all the lines I was going to use:
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
“It’s always been you.”
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”
Then she walked in!
Mom…Dad…we are going to make you beautiful grandkids…
In fact, despite my studying tactics, that was the line I lead off with when I met her. She seemed really happy…her eyes got really wide and she started looking around to make sure everyone else had heard how romantic I was being…
She asked me how often I meet up with people from the internet after we sat down, and I kindly explained that whole time I jetted off to Mexico with what turned out to be a drug kingpin and his wife. That was the last time that I agreed to ever get involved in a devil’s three-way without genuinely making sure there was no ulterior motive after they tied me up in the rented motel room we agreed to meet up in.
She had pancakes and I made sure to order something light, so I got bacon strips tossed with a lot of onions, because they are mostly water or something…I dunno, I read it on the internet somewhere. I could tell she regretted her decision the minute the food came because she had to plug her nose to keep from ingesting the fumes from my meal…
…it was evident she couldn’t smell it or she was going to need to call the waitress back to change her order to what I got.
Well anyway we talked about many topics over the course of the twenty minute date before she had to leave because her uncle’s twice removed cousin was in the hospital for accidently ingesting too much elbow grease…
…which she explained is toxic if swallowed.
Long story short, she was feeling the date so much that she was on her phone the entire time, telling all of her friends about how great it was going I assume.
She only asked me if I was sure that I was not gay once, which is really good considering how often they usually ask!
Selena was a little quiet, which is ok because it’s something we can work on…
…come to think of it she didn’t really talk about herself a lot at all, so I talked about me the entire time, and I even made sure to fill in the awkward silences where it looked like she was about to speak, just so she felt appreciated and not at all like I expected her to reach out past her comfort zone.
And don’t worry about the awkward ‘Who is gonna pay” tango at the end. I know how first dates work! The woman always pays because the guy will always be paying for things during the rest of the relationship.
I gave her the ol’ “you got this?” line.
Anyway I killed the date and I told Selena I couldn’t wait to start doing this on a regular basis. She shook my hand…
…taking things slowly…
…and sprinted out the door with excitement and peeled out of the parking lot leaving me feeling great about the experience as a whole.
Well she was speechless, I obviously killed the curve as far as online dating goes because I didn’t hear from her for an entire day even though I was texting her frequently!
But I heard back from her yesterday and it was better than I could have expected:
She got her days mixed up because that ‘someone’ she met was actually me…she was playing it coy…but you can see how eager she was to get back to me about hanging out again. She even wants to bring her friend into the mix!
I’ll let you know when I pop the question mom and dad.
Love(but not too much because I have to save some for my future wife),