That’s not how it works : Part one.

Dear Benadryl, creators of LOST and twenty-somethings everywhere,

Let me start by informing you that I have officially lost control of the fucks I give at this point. They were here one minute, and now they are all gone. Which is great because it’s a wonderful charm factor with the new beau.

Anyway, I was riding home the other day when I acquired a flat tire, and while I waited for AAA to show up and inform me they don’t handle bicycle issues, I decided to scope out some social networking sites.

I hit what I consider to be my usual three:

20140514-171156.jpg

20140514-171203.jpg

20140514-171210.jpg

…and it dawned upon me, that the feeds were being overrun with uplifting, and inspirational quotes.

So obviously this all sits well with someone who titled their blog ‘Most Things are Garbage’.

And I’m sorry, maybe it’s just me, but am I the only twenty-something that reads all of these and finds them to be so contradictory to the way the world actually works?

Quotes about life, love and the fruits of our looms, being re-posted over and over and over by people the same age as me, who apparently have such an optimistic outlook on things that it almost seems like nothing ever goes wrong in their lives?

Like really though?

Well I rustled up just a few of them, and decided I would fix them, on account of they were obviously broken, so that realistic ones could get out there and these graphics can make more sense to me when I scroll down my newsfeeds.

So, with all that said and since I’m unbelievably cranky, here is the first part in what will probably become an ongoing time killer for me, entitled:

That’s not how it works : part one.

(P.S. SUNY Albany thanks for the Art degree, I’m clearly utilizing it to its maximum capability)

20140514-171940.jpg

Ah. Love.
Wild creatures you say?
And why the hell is it on a wrinkly bed?
No. Stop lying.


That’s not how it works.

20140514-172055.jpg

That’s real. That’s science.

More on love…

20140514-172243.jpg

This is it? Love?
I don’t love people that scream at me.
I certainly would put a fork through the hand of anyone that comes near my food.
Why the hell is she going to act weird around me?
Isn’t love already uncomfortable enough?

No. That’s not how it works.

20140514-172519.jpg

Guys. Kid yourself. But if your future beau posted the first one ever, the sad fact of the matter is your relationship is gonna be hella weird and it’s gonna go south fast. If a girl tackles you to tell you she likes you…run. Far. Because we’re better than that. We also graduated from middle school over a decade ago. A DECADE! How old do you feel!

20140514-173148.jpg

Thank you. Whoever made this.
Because as everyone suffering from anxiety, fear, or insecurities knows, we can just let things go.

What’s that? You owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans?

You can’t find a job out of college?

You got fired for someone else’s negligence?

It’s cool guys. Let it go.

No. That’s not how it works.

20140514-173540.jpg

That’s how it works.

And don’t let it go. That’s littering.

20140514-173658.jpg

Ladies. Ladies. Ladies.
Even if this were the case…


…that’s not how it works.

20140514-173835.jpg

Period. And really…I think that’s all we need to know…

20140514-182424.jpg

Do you really though?
At least I can find solace in knowing it’s not just about my looks, since you can’t see my face…
What about days where I’m subpar?

What about when I royally fuck things up?

Like shutting your cats paw in the bathroom door?
Or like when my feet really smell?
Or when I try on your shorts just to show you how good they look on me, but not you?

Stahp! That’s not how it works.

20140514-182908.jpg

That’s how it works.

Because in the real life people have feelings. And those feelings can range from blissful vomit inducing love to requesting your partner sit on a running chainsaw.

Anyone that says otherwise is a liar.

And they’re probably super brave for posting nothing but positive things about their super awesome relationships.

(Right before they break down in tears)

20140515-092452.jpg

So, having someone special in your life can change the fact that Monday always follows Sunday and you have to wait five days before you can forget real life responsibilities on the weekend?

No.
No no no stop it.


That’s not how it works.

20140515-092719.jpg

But really, if you find someone that can manipulate time and shift the week around, hang the hell on to them, otherwise what you have found is someone that consumes so much of your time and brain, that the days of the week just mush and meld together to form one solid glob of days. It’s no wonder tomorrow isn’t just another day, you do the same thing over and over.

Be an adult.

Go to work.

No romance relieves you of your responsibilities.

Trust me.

I’m a doctor.

20140515-093107.jpg

I just want to know who wrote this. It sounds like it’s been ripped straight out of the diary from a person living through the zombie apocalypse. Does the world really feel so vacant early in the morning?

No. No it doesn’t.


That’s not how it works.

20140515-093419.jpg

Like do you not have a job? If you’re up at sunrise it’s probably late enough in the morning where people are likely on their way to work.

Do you not have pets?

Cats are all up in your shit in the mornings, and dogs…forget it, get your ass up or they’ll poop all over your house waiting for you to stop being fucking lazy.

And what the hell time do you go to bed that you can be up that early and experience any feeling other than wanting to jam a screwdriver into your temple?

You’re clearly not a grad student.

Definitely not a responsible adult…with a job…

You must be in middle school. There’s no other explination…

Or it’s Saturday.

20140515-093803.jpg

Is this real life?

Why does this graphic exist?

Does the world care when someone puts this online?

You want to laugh until you die?

What about other things? Exercise? Eating? Sex?

Staring contests?

(You’re gonna lose)

That’s not how it works.

20140515-094035.jpg

Priorities. That’s some real shit right there.
Orange is the new black returns June 6.
Don’t tell me that my marathons don’t count because I’m not running.

20140515-094238.jpg

Now you understand.
The plate is trust. The plate is love.
The plate has been broken.
Your apology is a weak and basically useless strain of glue.

No.

That’s not how it works.

20140515-094416.jpg

Honestly. You ruined what was probably a full set by breaking that plate.

I hope it was a bargain find at Big Lots.

This metaphor is dumb. You can’t apologize to a plate.

The fuck do you expect it to do? Sweep up it’s pieces and glue itself back together? And if someone really hurt you so badly as to compare the damage to a shattered plate, why the hell are you sticking around to explain to them some backward ass truth of how you no longer feel for them after what they did.

Be beyonce. Walk the fuck away.

Find better.

20140515-115311.jpg

Any day? Is it actually?

That’s. Not. How. It. Works.

20140515-115426.jpg

And vice versa.

Everyday is just a new day to come upon something else that bugs the everloving crap out of you.

20140515-115615.jpg

Your inner strength grants you the ability to soar above everyone else.

Be strong bb the world is a place where you will flourish on your own by yourself and that’s all you need.

False.

That’s not how it works.

20140515-115803.jpg

How’s first class treating you? This is more realistic.

No but for real if you’re just buying flights left and right that must be some bomb ass establishment your working at.

Did you luck out or what. And did you actually pay off that college debt or are you just paying on the interest while you continue to defer them?

Whatever you did, congrats on the flight. Say hi to anywhere that isn’t Albany for me.

20140515-120051.jpg

Wait for good things. They will almost always come to you if you have patience. Kick back. Relax. Let the universe work it’s magic.

And when you get got, and all the things are great, remember that you have it in you to exude respectful and not even remotely celebratory reactions and attitudinal qualities.

That’s.
Not.


How.
It.
Works.

20140515-120329.jpg

You all do it. Don’t deny it.

Whether you’re passive aggressively typing short answers with periods seemingly after every word, or putting up your dukes by simply choosing to not talk to a person any other way than through an emotionless, inflection-less void that is text messaging.

Are you really sorry you had to say this over text messaging?

Genuinely?

Unless someone karate chopped you in the throat and broke your windpipe or broke both your legs rendering you un-travelable, you delete every character of that text and make a phone call or a house visit.

No more games kids.

And if you value your life, leave out the fact that so and so said something to so and so about whoever doing whatever.

Finally:

20140515-120944.jpg

You’re excited.

You get it by now I’m sure…

20140515-121021.jpg

You’re gonna plan to do so much. But it’s gonna be hot. And you don’t really like sweating.

Netflix and a pizza?

Ok so maybe not THAT bad.

Anyways-spread these to the world.

But don’t blame me when your friends think you’re an asshole.

Somehow still enthusiastic,
-me.

Advertisements
Standard