Dear Moms in their forties who think it’s their twenties,
Halloween is upon us, and we all know what that means!
Gorging our fat asses with candy while we binge watch ‘Once Upon a Time’ and telling ourselves that we’re gonna make it big someday, and life is gonna be worthwhile!
But there is also the more forgotten gems that Halloween bring to the table, the often sought after horror stories to frighten us to the core.
So after you bring your children to complete strangers doorsteps in search of future sugar dependencies, return home and put them to sleep, and crack open that large bottle of Malbec you’ve been saving for all of today since you bought it last night, kick back and filter through your child’s pillowcase while you peruse the following tale of horror which I have written for you specially this holiday!
Also it rhymes!
The Tale of Insurmountable Intestinal Damage:
On a night much like this, not to far in the past,
a young man decided, to get off his ass
He’d been planning for days an event most unpleasant,
that allowed him to stand out, amongst all the peasants.
‘I shall show them’, he said with his fist clenched above,
‘that I can achieve greatness when push comes to shove!’
But as days passed he pondered a thought ’twas most scary,
if he failed in his task, ‘twould not be legendary.
His mind raced each night and his fears grew with time,
to let down all his peeps, a most horrible crime.
‘I need strength!’ this lad thought, as he woke to a new day,
‘So my friends will all know I’m as fierce as Beyoncé.’
So he researched and read, as the time did grow near,
and he summoned a plan to which he would adhere.
He had done this before, but not quite as big,
a food challenge which he’d consume like a pig!
‘I have watched Man v. Food and eaten before,
I’ll just walk in and beat it and walk out the door.’
For this challenge he figured could be done in a flash,
but a burger this big, it required some cash.
For the business must profit from the food that they lose,
whether in people’s bellies, or puked on their shoes.
So he saved up enough for the burger to sit,
in his stomach obstructing a few days of shit.
And what did this contain, that made one a winner?
Well it might as well have been a Thanksgiving dinner.
And I don’t mean just one plate, or as much as you’re able,
We are talking the whole fucking Thanksgiving table.
He had eaten one once, on vacation for fun,
a 30 ounce burger, including the bun.
He had beaten that burger, took it down in one sitting,
And was not a bit worried that he wouldn’t be shitting.
With his face on the wall and a milkshake that followed,
his win it was better than all that he’d swallowed.
But this one was bigger, this burger he’d try,
well he’d have to eat five pounds, and try not to cry.
He readied his will and alerted the masses,
on an upcoming Friday they’d get off their asses.
They’d follow in glee just to watch him gain weight,
while he shoveled food sealing his fat-asses fate.
And where would he die should his heart stop its beat
Wagon Train Barbeque in ol’ Schenectady.
He awoke to the day he’d be shoving his face,
and left his work early to prep for the race.
He posted his threats where the whole world could see,
On Instagram and all his friend’s Facebook feeds.
He drank pots of coffee and a whole lot of water,
To stretch out his stomach for foods soaked in butter.
And two English muffins were all he’d consume,
But just hours before his impending food doom.
His girlfriend arrived after all day at work,
To drive him and watch him eat food like a jerk.
One by one they arrived, his friends by his side,
To root and to cheer while he swallowed his pride
There was Matt and Melissa, Rachelle and Kurt too,
Hillary, Jon and Matt, a cool dude.
A girl from his high school with whom he’d not spoke,
sat by with her beau probably hoping he’d choke.
The waitress arrived and their order she took,
though the challenge was prepping, they forwarned the cook.
A glimpse he had caught of the burger in back,
And he feared that he may have a real heart attack.
Back to the table he sat with a thud,
Ready to become this mass eating chud.
The waitress came over arms growing quite wary,
He realized he just might be screwed, it was scary.
That’s when it dawned on him starting this session,
That all he’d be earning here was a life lesson.
A lesson that pulled pork and brisket would teach,
And Mac n cheese, cole slaw, eight ounces of each.
He’d plunder through bacon, two fried eggs and cheese,
Eight slices in all to bring him to his knees.
A one pound hamburger that’s really not bad,
But a bun that was huge, like the size of my dad!
Deep fried jalapeños, onion straws just because
and he’d have to keep going, to prove what he was.
Two more pounds or so of fried onions and fries,
Enough to make normal men bleed from their eyes.
And all this concoction though balls hard to rhyme,
Must slide down his gullet in a half hours time.
So he plowed through the proteins, and did it quite quick,
And that’s when he started to feel awfully sick.
He rested and breathed while his time would diminish,
Melissa said out loud, ‘No way that he’ll finish.’
But he needed support not Melissa’s mean sass,
So he turned with his mouth full and said, ‘Kiss my ass!’
The restaurant was hushed everybody in awe,
overwhelmed by all the consumption they saw.
And that’s when it happened, the mighty food wall,
when all of a sudden his will it did fall
With nine minutes left, his strength it did waver,
but our subject he did everyone there a favor.
For the food it did rise, up his throat to the top,
And he surely would boot, if eating did not stop.
So the scariest part in this horrific tale,
is he threw in the towel, a huge epic fail.
But with 5.5 lbs he choked 4.3 down,
and the restaurant though sad, sort of gave him a crown.
Out of all those who lost, like one seventy-five
he’d finished the most, and he walked out alive.
On the ride home he farted, his left arm went numb,
and that’s when he realized his food quest was dumb.
So in no more food challenges would our hero partake,
and he washed down his heart attack, with a thick ass milk shake.
Happy Halloween y’all!
And in case you’re impatient and scrolled ahead, here is a video of me reading it in loungewear with a pipe:
Still breathing but the left side of my face is drooping for some reason,