I made a deal with my mother one time to stop saying things like “Life Sucks” and “I fucking hate my life” and stuff like that. I remember it like it was yesterday because it really kinda set a starting point in my life for progression. I started this blog back then to basically capture just inklings of thoughts that are in my brain on a day to day basis. And I started working through some shit that was personal and extremely hard and I won’t bore you with the details but I will put it in Gen Z terms for you all in a timeline-like fashion:
Alright cool so were caught up now. What a wild ride! Anyway today has been a particularly solemn and quiet day. We’re all working on doing our best to stay inside our houses and not gain a bajillion pounds and not break down crying every day and not fear for ourselves and our loved ones safety and thats really all we can do right?
I wish there was an easier answer to all this and that the world would course correct and people didn’t have to worry about anything other than how to get the flaming hot cheeto out of office. But here we are. With this super awesome virus running rampant throughout the world. America. Canada. Italy. Just fucking all of it. And we’re all supposed to muster up hope like we could snap our fingers and Obama would be standing there hugging us while we gently sob on his shoulder trying to finish the last of the Burger King Chicken Fries that we had delivered and definitely needed because our body considers fried foods to be one of the major food groups.
I think the hardest part in all of this (unless you suffer from anxiety/MH disorders because lets face it we are completely screwed right now [but also know I am here for you please reach out]) is that silver lining we can’t all seem to find.
It’s weird. Being trapped inside. So maybe we all just need some silver linings. Some happy thoughts. And because you absolutely didn’t ask for them at all, I have decided to compile some of mine for you to think about. Like REALLY think about. None of that half assed thinking we all seem to be doing these days.
1. We actually kind of get to see what its like to be a hamster right now. Only allowed out when others say its okay. Constantly looking out the window. Running on treadmills.
2.We have actually learned how much we rely on freedoms that we take for granted. This is going to make things so much better when we get out of this. Do you know how hard it is to not just walk outside in my underwear to get the mail and end up shooting the shit with my neighbor? And not because I can’t walk outside in my underwear but because I am literally not supposed to go shoot the shit with my neighbor.
3. Gas is at a record low right now! Because we can’t listen to directions and just stay home and we continue to spread this bullshit. We fixed Gas! (but at what cost obvs) And even better than that, WE DONT NEED THAT FUCKING GAS! Because we don’t need to drive anywhere really. So fun to think about.
4.I had to get gas today because I used the last eighth of my tank over the past two weeks and we needed grocery. And when I got there some old asshat in an Audi took up TWO fucking Gas pumps and left me barely enough room to back my car up to get gas. And right as I was about to go all COVID-19 asswhooping on this guy, he turned to me while we were pumping and said, “This is the most exciting fucking thing I have done all week. This isn’t even my car, it’s my wife’s and I demanded she let me go fill it up as she tried to leave so I could get the fuck out of my house.” And I thought about it. Same bro. Normally where I would have judged the person for parking like a dingy dong, and made some snarky comment I was able to relate to this guy and because YEAH I NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT SOMETIMES RIGHT NOW. Then he called me kid and I wanted to fucking punch him again but that’s besides the point. We bonded. Over being able to leave our house to pump gas and see another human we don’t give a shit about and have them know we get each other.
5. If you have animals, you are getting even more close with them than you ever thought you could be. HOLY CAT, I swear hand to gosh that me and all four of my cats are operating on an extremely advanced level. I am pretty sure I can hear their inner thoughts. We all wake up and eat breakfast together, and its definitely more food than we NEED to be eating. Then we just lay around all day and we talk about how nice it is to have each other and our home and the ability to look at birds and squirrels out the windows.
6. This one is important. When summer comes, if we actually GET to go outside and swim, we are either going to be in the best shape of our lives from having to do prison yard like workouts everyday to avoid our bodies shutting down, OR were all gonna be so rolly polly that even the skinny fit people are gonna be like, “Bro, I get it, and I am so okay with your body the way it is because you’re a beautiful person who had to survive on takeout delivery like the rest of us.” And because I AM the latter of the two, I will offer companionship to the skinny fit gentleman as he breaks down weeping on my shoulder recounting how terrible the times were and how he had to eat a second banana every day just to make sure his body didn’t cave in on itself.
7. We all get to watch our plants come in outside and when this is over we will have SO MUCH GARDENING TALK to do at work. I can’t wait to talk about my hydrangeas with Debbie in Accounting while she lets me know about how all her peonies bloomed just a little too early this year and she still has hope that they’re going to make it.
8. Everyone is going to be caught up on every goddamn show that they needed to catch up on. This isn’t a silver lining, this is actually a threat. I swear to gourd when this is all over if I go back to work and the world doesn’t know about Carole killing her husband, Jessica being a psychopath that really embraces all that is wrong with society, and that if you work in a fishing town and commit murder it is just as hard to cover it up as it is in a non-fishing town….well…we’re gonna have some issues Janet in payroll.
9. We all as a country will know the true value of a bidet. I promise if we haven’t gotten there yet we will. It is just a matter of time before we are all buying a TUSHY or whatever they’re called, and squirting some fresh town of Colonie water right into our chocolate starfishes so we never have to deal with this toilet paper commodity issue during the next sign that we are seriously about to die out as a species.
10. We can all finally see what the chain of command in our US Government looks like and agree on things. New York’s Governor although not everyones favorite at one point and time has become ALL of our Italian Bubbie Grandfather who takes care of us and actually wants to make things better. And in order to do so he works with a lot of hard working and important people below him. And all those people do their best to make things okay again for all of us while our POTUS (Piece of tan ugly shit) says words that don’t form sentences and plays on the dumbest people that make up our lovely America. And I think we can all agree that that hot dog is not cutting the mustard during all of this.
So you see. It’s all in how you look at it. Those were just the ten things that popped into my head when I decided to write on this blog again for the first time in I think like maybe four years. We all get tired. We all get down. We all get discouraged. But sometimes you just have to make the best out of what you got. And right now we all got a whole lot of shit. So lets take our shit and make it the best we can. Because without the shit, we would actually have nothing. And some people have actually nothing and still get a whole lot of shit. Always remember that.
I will end with an anecdote that my friend from Russia left me with yesterday in relation to the current illness/Toilet Paper epidemic we face, and I paraphrase…
“The times we are living in, when one person sneezes, a hundred more shit themselves.”
Be kind to everyone please. We’re all fighting something together. And remember. Most things are garbage.