Losing my online dating virginity.

Dear Mom and Dad, general contractors and Honey Boo Boo,

I know, I know. You’re a little hurt that tinder didn’t work out for you. Those girls and guys truly don’t know what they’re missing, and that’s okay. Maybe next time don’t lead off with the fact that you enjoy spreading peanut butter on your body and walking down the street informing people that you’re nutty.

I’m not saying I’m an expert at this point.

No. I am.

But listen, as an expert in online dating I need you to understand what I had to go through to find someone compatible with me…

…and able to drive a car.

Briefly, to keep you up to date – these are some of the wonderful experiences I had on the Internet:

1. One of my first suggested conversations was with this luscious vixen of the interweb.

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She was probably wonderful, but like you I didn’t give her a chance.

We could have had a lot in common for all I know

Maybe she enjoyed Beyonces XO album as much as me

Maybe she thoroughly enjoyed coating her foods in melted cheese.

Maybe her eyes were blue at one point.

Maybe a little cocoa butter applied to those facial scars nightly would relieve some of their visibility!

My point friends, is that there is someone for everyone out there.

 Except Robbie.

You remember him right?

He’ll never find someone with that attitude.

Not even a one night stand.

Do you know how hard it is to get the sex online these days you guys?

There are so many deviants out there just lookin to throw any ol’ thing into any ol’ other thing!

Some people want to tie you up.

Some people want to have you as their love bride for an hour.

Some people want to peel your skin off while listening to the ‘Bodyguard’ soundtrack.

I told you about my one night stand from the Internet dating sites, right guys?

No?

Eh, I’ll save it for another time, it’s a good story.

But let’s talk to Foo here a second…

Foo you like high maintenance women right? I met one that would be perfect for you…

…if you like blowing wads of cash for no reason and expect nothing but sadness in return.

2. She basically told me from the start she was a Russian Princess. She requested that I actually follow through on sending her a detailed report via email in Times New Roman and double spaced about why I am awesome. So I did. And we had conversed for what seemed like an entire day so I basically assumed we were together.

But then I began to notice a pattern in her Instagram photos that she demanded I stalk for an hour but not tell her about after the fact.

Burberry.
bebe.
Coach.

Dear god. The Brands.

That I couldn’t afford if I tried.

So I figured I’d indirectly bring it up in a very subtle manner by asking things like,

“Wow, how fucking important are brands to you!?!??”

Basically she said she liked to look nice but was totes comfortable kicking back in a nice pair of sweats from Hollister.

Have you ever called bullshit on a person you meet online Foo? Apparently they don’t like it. And what they hate even more is when you screen shot the evidence and send it to them as proof:

Exhibit A.

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Exhibit 2.

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Exhibit d.

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Anyway I tried maintaining niceties after that but then she basically decided I wasn’t worthy because she didn’t like some of my taste in foods:

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Alas, I continue my journey forth…

When…

Who the hell decided that it would be okay for me to get a pimple on my face while trying to meet people?

I have a perfect complexion, and when I break out…it generally results in me smearing foods on my face in an attempt to home remedy the shit out of that bad boy.

What it is good for though, aside from convincing women that Justin Timberlake is my half brother twice removed (I think we have a common uncle somewhere, somehow…I can’t remember the exact details ladies), is keeping me from going out in public very often.

Don’t be fucking silly, obviously I have to go to work…

Otherwise I can’t make money…

Which means I can’t buy coffee…

So you see the dilemma?

 But it’s problematic because if you read my earlier entry about joining all these online dating sites, I was really excited to get out there and start throwing around my “magic wand” in a very Harry Potter-esque fashion.

Avada-ka-diddle!

Wing-hardium levi-OH-sa!

(side note if you haven’t read Harry Potter those jokes won’t make sense to you, which renders them useless in this context…but to explain, I made two of the spells from the book sexual and its funny.[Side-side note: If you haven’t read Harry Potter, get the hell off this blog and go read Harry Potter…we’re not friends anymore until you do and I will straight up put my neighbors stray cat before you on a list of people I would go to bat for until you change the above circumstances])

When all is said and done though, I return home to slather a cucumber and pulled pork concoction atop the now twice popped pimple, to rid it of some of the swelling and fire engine red tint that it was screaming forth from my chin. I read somewhere that that is how you get rid of these things…by putting food on it, or something.

Now that I think of it, I may have just been contemplating what to do about this aforementioned zit while I was watching the food network. Now I cant remember…

but how good is pulled pork?

Also, I want to clarify that I am not a super huge bastard and I am not just using all of these legitimate people to poke fun at the world of online dating…It’s an actual place, this online world, and the people in it are genuinely looking for that special.

So sorry if this last one is offensive, but as the great John Mayer once said, “I am free, free falling.”

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3. Guys listen. Don’t answer messages from people whose usernames are basically DearGodINeedAllTheCats69.

This one’s graphic but here’s a walk through…stop reading now if you’re squeamish, this girls mouth is an atrocity.

 

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Obvs. But I get it you have to break the ice somehow.

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This is where every normal woman in the world gets irritated and walks away. Right?

Right?

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Right…normal I guess…

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I’m sorry. To clarify, you want me to what now?

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This is where I should have given up.

Probably.

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Do you see how the Internet is a scary place now guys?

Well I had a guys night before Kurt went back home and we all thought it would be awesome to try and speak only in song lyrics.

It makes a pretty good track listing, in case you need a new playlist.

ALEXFOSTER’SBRAINPRESENTS:

That’s a fucked up thing to do: Vol. 1:

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1. What’s Going On by Marvin Gaye
2. Chicken Noodle Soup by DJ Irrelevant

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3. Jungle song by Katy Perry
4. That really happy song by Bob Marley

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5. As Long as You Love me by that group that wasn’t NSYNC.

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6. Just a Friend by that large guy that beat boxes.
7. That song where Alanis Morissette talks about blowing the guy from full house.

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8. Pompeii by that band that won’t matter in a month
9. Apologize by One Redirection

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10. YEAH by Usher and the screamy guy
11. Ignition (remix) by that pee guy

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12. That nineties song by Sugar Ray

So that game is fun if you ever need to make a running playlist or something. Basically though it gets really hard and then you stop talking and periodically get creepy messages like this:

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Well long story short is that it’s really hard to find people that just get you for you, like Kurt does…

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So that’s basically where we are in life guys. And Foo…

Were still the same guy basically so I feel you.

Oh, except I met someone on two of the sites and I’ve been seeing her for a bit.

So were still the same except I’m not single anymore!

Or Asian!

And don’t worry readers, I already told her she can expect me to put our sexcapades and interesting happenings on the Internet for all of you to read.

Until next time!

And remember Mom and Dad…Most Things are Garbage.

-not single anymore.

 

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Leggings as a Thing: a Response to Fashion Week.

Dear Dolce and Gabbana,

It’s fashion week here in the Most Things are Garbage household.

This means three things.

Number one: the repercussions from Super Bowl are the devil. All that salsa laden food covered in various cheeses and seasonings probably influenced by salt has all settled in the mid section of my body, and it is holding my waistline hostage somewhere on the tipping point of a 31 spilling over into a 32.

But cheese. Dear god the cheese.

Number two: my cat and dog are not my biggest fans. Don’t get me wrong, dressing them up is great and fashion week is all about the looks, but my dog is super comfortable when he is naked and roaming free in life, and really who the hell isn’t?! It just makes it easier for him when he decides to embarrass me in front of all the dates I bring home from the Internet as he pleasures himself at their feet while we watch Amelie on the couch.

Number three: Research!

I believe it was Spider-Man who said “With great fashion comes great responsibility.”…

…or something like that.

I mean it’s 2014 now so I feel as though fashion is unbelievably lenient now-a-days, and that there is a lot more room to be flexible.

Personally, I’m usually an all dark everything-all black everything kinda guy usually. My standard wardrobe would make the interior of Drake’s Maserati blush.

As far as dress goes though, I am not on the up and up with the latest trends or the hot styles now. It is complicated and written a long while back, but if you really want to know the progression of my fashion technique, you can read this.

Basic gist: My mom picked out my outfits until I was 24 and I made those sex-bracelets out of soda cap things to wear, and then passed them off to my parents as me being creative and not at all slutty. Also, those bracelets didn’t work and I usually ended up breaking all of my own while I played with my action figures on a nightly basis. Then I made progress somewhere after an ex-gfs insistence that I dress human, I understood how important the world of fashion truly was. There’s only so many times someone can say, ‘Stop shopping at Delia’s’ before you finally start listening.

Blah blah blah, a few years later I’m basically Tyra Banks.

So I basically understood all things fashion except one:

When the fuck did it become socially acceptable to wear leggings as pants.

Mom! You didn’t prepare me for this!! I’ve seen some horrible things!

To me saying leggings are pants, is like saying cotton swabs make a good substitute for pepperoni as a topping on pizza. No, just stop it doesn’t make sense!

I had to get to the bottom of it, this fashion phenomenon that has been sweeping the world.

Well as I generally tend to do before I believe anything I’m told, I heavily considered setting out to conduct a very detailed experimentation. I weighed the pros and cons of actually wearing a pair of leggings as pants for 24 hours, and was quite hesitant but a friends Facebook post pretty much solidified the decision for me:

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Sold.

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Luckily for me, I gave up on shame several months ago. I mean really what does in matter in the long run, grand scheme of things in life, a male wearing leggings out as pants should be considered normal right?

Well staying true to the daily experiment, I began by purchasing a 10$ pair of jeggings at target in the women’s section. It was not awkward for I had my female companion in friendship in attendance with me. I grabbed a bag of gummy worms and a copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary for checkout so there would be no misconstrued notions about what I was doing.

“Ten dollars?!? Where did you find these?” exclaimed the female cashier.

Somewhere between shirts that look like dresses and accessories I have zero idea how to utilize.

One, two, skip a few and here we are at D-Day. I made sure to wear my leggings to bed so that I awoke physically wearing them for the start of my 24 hour period.

I fixed myself a pot of coffee and a hearty plate of bacon because, well these have an elastic waistband and who the hell am I trying to impress really?

I mean with the exception of that OkCupid date at Starbucks but was there any doubt that I wouldn’t kill that?

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And so, as their time wound down as house guests, Kurt and Rachelle in all their marital bliss, invited me to join them around the Capitol Region while they ran errands.

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I figured since I was basically going to be miserable wearing basically no pants all day, I may as well take in some pre-wedding bickering to really twist the whole knife of joy lodged in the torso that is my life.

Well we made our way through several locations to collect data, as will be evident below in the results. To begin, in the car I did the only thing any reasonable person would do when conducting an experiment of this caliber:

Post about it on Facebook.
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I apologize to no one. I have done everything right up to this point.

Next, I took a ‘from where I stand‘ photo to post to the Instagram at a later date after results were concluded.

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It was eerily reminiscent of the majority of shots I tend to see on the Instagram, so I knew I was doing something correct.

Suddenly, and without warning, my 00’s pop princess mix on Spotify was interrupted by the buzz and buffering of multiple notifications. Apparently, my post on the Facebook had caused a stirring in the loins of many females, and opinions began rolling in a la the form of comments:

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I am not saying no more pants is a bad thing. I’m also not saying the female who posted this has never taken her pants off in front of me.

(She hasn’t. I got friend zoned when I was like 9 for saying the word ‘vagina’ in front of her on the summer camp bus. Boys are gross.)

What I am saying, is that females rushing to the defense of their sacred skin-tites was not enough to convince me!

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Well you know women…20140210-155346.jpg

So of course there were many more opinions to be given:

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Obviously by this point I was welcoming any and all opinions because I knew in the long run half the research would be done for me. Part of the plan all along.

There were funny opinions:

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There were honest and sincere opinions:

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There was sassy-ness:

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There was classic disagreement amongst the female species:

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Obviously there would be no final group consensus as we all know that females can never just agree on something.

I knew that the fate of leggings as pants lay I’m the hands of me, and I had to get straight to business.

Below are my findings:

Daily itinerary by location:
Big Lots
The family Dollar
Michaels Craft Store
Starbucks (OkCupid first date)
Home

Variables:

Constant– me, my beauty, my ass, my sass, hair.

Changing– butt uncovered 50% of the time at each location, customer type in store.

Reasoning and rules:

1. The golden rule.

Leggings being worn as pants is applicable first and foremost ONLY if the booty is covered. It is scientifically proven, and therefore is the first regulation to this process. See scientific findings below:

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Booties are meant to be poppin, but not in leggings ladies. Covering your bottom makes all the difference out in public.

See:

Hot:

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Not:

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2. Present yourself well!!! 

Choose your outfit carefully. Whatever the fuck tunics are, they are apparently closely associated with the legging ensemble. I chose a tank top under an oversized sweater. It was sensible and not too ragged. It requires a certain chutzpah to pull it off in public, and while you may feel comfortable, the attitude makes all the difference between:

‘Look I’m lazy am I doing the shopping right oh god what is my life I miss my cats time to go home’

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And…

‘Look I’m basically Beyoncé you’re just frontin’, I AM Sasha Feirce and yuh jealous’

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3. Know what to expect.

There is a very good chance you are going to get some looks. Am I right or am I right ladies? You have to be aware of your surroundings, and science proves that with certain places come certain levels of judgment. In reality, we all know the real judgment free zone is not planet fitness, but Walmart.

Below are the findings from my day:
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If you notice, places you would expect to see leggings as pants (Big Lots, Family Dollar) are more judgmental than those places you are expected to be creative and different (Michaels, home). This is because your brain loses the ability to give a shit how you look when you go to locations you fully expect to see a lazy ensemble.

4. There is a direct correlation between pockets/zippers and comfort: 20140218-090744.jpg

Where sweatpants are basically the closest thing to allowing your bottom parts to feel more free than my refills at Starbucks, jeans can be binding and constrictive. Leggings comfort level becomes clear when put in these terms.

5. Say no to UGGS.

Look I’m not saying UGGS look stupid with leggings, I’m saying UGGS look stupid. You need to own this look, and frankly everyone looks foolish in UGGS.

Be a boss, sneakers for the win kiddos:

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Final verdict:

LEGGINGS ARE COMFY AS FUCKKKKKKK!!!

Here’s the bottom line though. If you love your body and you’re comfortable, who gives a shit what you’re wearing.

Odds are you’ll end up reclined in front of Netflix anyway.

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Honestly, with the amount of criticism put on body types and choice of dress nowadays, I personally vote for the whole if you like it, wear it at this point.

Science agrees:

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Just do you, learn to love the skin you’re in, and you’ll be fine.

And take lots of selfies…always…

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Bless this mess,
Alex.

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A ‘Dear Justin’ Letter : On behalf of the World.

Dear Justin,

Hey man.

Yeah yeah, I know I know. I’m great. Stahhp it.

But listen, I wanted to reach out because I feel like you need some support. It seems like you have hit that awkward teen stage in life where you lose all sense of your pre-pubescent roots, and now your grasping for friendly hands as you drown in your own errors.

Like many teen starlets who started out at a young age, you’re traveling down a very dangerous road and the world is watching as you’re on your way to becoming yesterday’s garbage-y news.

I need you to understand, you’re not the same person you used to be, and I’m not sure what happened between you and Usher but first thing is first, you gotta get that man back in your corner.

That Scooter guy you have walking around with you is clearly not doing his job. Look, do you remember when you first started out?

You had so much promise. You had your very indelible vocal abilities and your hair was everything girls wanted atop their boyfriends head when they met up with them after first period in senior hallway.

You were young, blossoming and about to embark on the world of fame, but you got thrust into it way to hard. Touring must be difficult for such an attractive guy, and I feel you on that front, what with the bags under your eyes and then trying to maintain such juvenile and boyish looks.

We are basically in the same boat there buddy.

Take a look at your earlier work though…

In ‘Bigger’ on your debut album, you spoke about how the haterz look small to you because you are bigger than they are, and your love was bigger than them.

Your maturity was flourishing. It was almost like an adult had written that song and you performed it…

…which we know isn’t the case since the music industry is filled with people who write their own music and don’t sell out to larger record labels to only put out glittery shit-storms of poppy goodness.

I mean you had lyrical genius back then! Remember ‘One Time’? It’s probably been a while since you sang it live but you showed off your basic math skills to us repeating ‘you plus me’ over and over…

To tell a girl that her world is your world, and that your heart is her heart?! That’s some shit people usually save for marriage.

Biebs, even I don’t have that lesson figured out.

Then you dropped some gems like ‘One Less Lonely Girl’ which assisted in building, and populating your fan base. Honestly if having young girls following you around and exploiting the fact that they all believe every word you speak is meant for them is wrong, then I wouldn’t want to be right.

Even ‘Baby’, oh dear god, I think even I looked at you with a glimmer in my eye.

It was a masterpiece, and your dance skills finally came to the surface in the magic video. You even got Luda on the track!

LUDA!

And lest we forget Selena!

You landed the most age appropriate and gorgeous teen star that hadn’t become a meth-addicted cat lady yet. Have you SEEN her lately!? She is fine as hell! And you gave that up?!

She could have like, anyone in the universe, and you took a pass on it after a year or so of dating?!

She’s doing great for herself too! ‘Come and Get it’ was like a summer anthem for me thanks to an overly obsessed ex that insisted it was the only thing we listened to while we were making out.

Do you know who the world has seen you running around with since the break up?!

Jaden Smith.

Not even the cool one, Willow!

He told kids they should drop out of school Justin! What kind of example is that to set when a revolution is in your hands? (Side note: if y’all are still close, give him a swift kick in the nuts for the travesty that was the ‘Karate Kid’ remake)

Look something went terribly wrong man, and I know what happened.

You cut your fucking hair.

No but really, hear me out!

That was all it took, and then you began your spiral. From my point of view, here is what I saw happen:

You started REALLY young and you were good at what you did, and then puberty hit, you styled your hair differently and you gained the classic child star confidence that my exes all seem to gain after they leave me.

Nothing phases you and you’re out to prove to the world that you’re the best there is.

Your balls dropped and there was a legitimate crisis in the universe about whether or not you were going to be able to pull things off with a deeper voice. And you did! But then you got some tats.

Justin, tattoos are in fact cool, and they should be really meaningful too. But like, look at some of the things you’ve permanently put on your body…

What do they mean Justin? And why would you get a king jerking off in front of a castle? That doesn’t even make sense…

Then you started becoming this angry ball of fire that I just didn’t know anymore. Do you remember the time you threatened the paparazzi in your car?

You used the f-word.

I lost some respect for you that day man.

And from what I gather so did Selena, because before we knew it the two of you had separated and she was back on the market. I’m sorry I sent her so many letters pleading with her to love me and telling her I would treat her right, I just got caught up in the moment.

We’re still cool right?

Then you stopped wearing the purple and black combo, the largest error in my opinion. You switched to wearing all these really dumb ridiculous clothes that don’t even make sense to look at.

Sometimes you just didn’t wear clothes.

Then your new album drops and it is just filled with poop Justin. Your voice is so good and you are doing songs with Nicki Minaj?! That’s like Justin Timberlake doing a duet with Taylor Swift.

It’s poop Justin. You have to utilize your powerful voice again, you can’t just go around singing about heartbreak from a relationship you yourself ended.

And you tried to come up with a catch phrase but it didn’t even pan out for you! WTF is ‘Swaggy’ Justin?!

Lil Jon had ‘Yeah’ and ‘Okay’.

DMX just used to growl and bark at his listeners.

…but even so they both worked out for them.

‘Swaggy’ sounds like a combination of sweaty and saggy and neither of those are words people want to think about when listening to your performances.

Try harder Justin.

Then you started getting in trouble with the law and all hell broke loose. You were speeding around residential neighborhoods, putting children’s lives at risk, and pissing off your neighbors.

Justin do you know how to be a neighbor? I live next to a sassy elderly woman who gives me vegetables from her garden to make soup. The other side is a house filled with teenage drug dealers, but they leave me alone and only contact me to notify me that there is a chicken loose in my back yard and they are dispatching search and rescue teams.

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They’re not jerks though. They’re nice people. It’s something you need to work on.

But recently you’ve become a monster. DUI? Drugs?

Your drinking the syzzurp Justin?

Do you know who drinks the syzzurp Justin…?

…Lil’ Wayne…

Do you know who takes him seriously Justin?

Nobody.

Nobody takes Lil’ Wayne seriously.

Everything you’re doing is super negligent and irresponsible. I even read that you called a young fan a ‘beached whale’. Have you seen ‘Blackfish’?! Whales have enough problems to deal with, without having to worry about you using their name to cut a young girl down and make her feel like garbage.

You’ve become hardened Justin, and today I read that you were arrested in Toronto for an assault on a limo driver.

What did he do Justin?

Did he make a wrong turn?
Did you arrive late to an event you were going to bitch about being noticed at anyway?
Did he not chill the bottle of Crystal you aren’t even legally able to drink yet?

…did he call you out on your bullshit?

I’m not a hater JB, but right now you need some tough love.

What you need is a game plan to get back to where you were a few years ago. Here’s what I’ve come up with for you:

1. Deal with all your legal hooplah. It shouldn’t be a long or hard process, you have a lot of money, and your pretty face wouldn’t last a night in jail without getting passed around more than a football in an NFL game. No judge is going to put that tight little…

… complexion of yours in danger.

2. Let your hair grow out a little. Like, a medium length. Or shave it. You need to find out who your true friends are, and there is no better way to learn that than by fucking with one of the main reasons your famous.

3. Stop putting out songs with terrible artists.

(Not you BIG SEAN, ‘Dance A$$’ is an anthem for me)

Sean Kingston? Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-Lover? Really?

Also, I’m not sure what you were thinking, but I’m pretty sure I speak for the rest of the world when I point out that collaborating on a song with Chris Brown about love and what a woman means to you kind of speaks for itself nowadays…

From now on do it on your own or only pick from this list:

Trey Songz
Ne-Yo
Ariana Grande
Jordin Sparks
Willie Nelson
Maroon 5
Outkast
Britney Spears

Remember, you want to stay relevant. I know it’s in the works but really, cancel your collab with Limp Bizkit.

Classy. As. Fuck.

4. Dress like a good person. You wanna know who is relevant in the minds located in women’s pants?

Understand?

5. Stop breaking the law.

Don’t drive like an asshole, we have enough non celebrity humans in the world to do that. Obey traffic laws, and don’t be a shit head behind the wheel.

Drugs are dumb, but weed will be legal in like two years anyway prob so can’t you just wait instead of going on blunt cruises and bong-rip road-trips?

Stop spitting on, yelling at, insulting or laying hands on…well anyone. It’s not becoming and you look like a super huge douchebag. There are a lot of normal people out here that can handle stardom better than you are so use common sense and stop being so mean all the time dude.

Finally…

6. Stop making movies about your life to stardom. If people want to see you perform they’ll buy a ticket to your show. If they want to see pre-fame Bieber, it’s on YouTube. There are so many other celebrities the world would prefer to know the history of, so pump the breaks and stick to walk on roles in like really terrible parody movies.

That’s what dying talent does nowadays.

Okay? Do you understand Justin?

Please, on behalf of the world, and your fan base alike…

Stop being shitty.

Fondly but realistically, your probably number 678 fan,

Alex

P.S. Start writing your own songs. ‘Beauty an the Beat’ is horse shit and for you to be able to party like it’s 3012, you want to party like you’re dead. Is basic math man.

Also Nicki Minaj is obnoxious. Common sense bud.

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An Open Letter Re: First date with my future wife.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Well I did it!

I have been spending a lot of time on the internet meeting some really cool people through all the dating sites I signed up for. The world is such an interesting place filled with decent human beings absolutely looking for legitimate bonds with others!

Let me lay the scene out for you:

This past friday evening, I was out and about chatting up the local Starbucks barista over what I think was my fourteenth cup of coffee for the day…

…though I can’t really remember because I lost my sense of smell somewhere around cup twelve and got genuinely concerned…but I am now able to see into the near and not too distant future so as far as I am concerned I came out of that predicament on top!

Anyway! I was waiting for a meet up with my small bundle of friends for a birthday dinner when out of nowhere my phone was uncontrollably spasming in my pocket. I was in the middle of a really uplifting Alicia Keyes ballad in the corner of the store when it went off…

…and caused the melody to cease and buffer.

Needless to say it took every ounce of strength in me to not smash the phone for leaving me high and dry on the high note when it cut the song off. It’s really hard to stay on pitch when the generic alert sounds of the iPhone go off.

Well even though I stopped seeing colors at cup of coffee number 7, I was able to make out what popped up as a message from OkCupid.

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Guys…someone wanted to meet me!

It was really inspiring, they basically told me flat out that we were going to be dating for a really long time, which by not having even met me, I knew was a good sign. The discussion progressed as follows…give or take:

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I knew that because this was my first attempt at true love with a human being, I had to knock it out of the park:

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Nailed it!

She pressed on with some interesting details about herself:

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She seemed really normal and said some really flattering things about the way I texted to me as well…and it was clear I was irresistable:

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And after that…I responded with the only logical question I could:

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Perfect.

We talked a bit more before I headed out and she made sure to touch base on all the important questions still left to ask…

  • What is your bank account number?
  • What is your Social Security ID?
  • What is your Mother’s maiden name?
  • Could you direct me to the spare key hidden behind the fourth bush from the left in your back yard, just off to the right beyond the back patio?

…all of which I answered eagerly as I knew this was going to work out and it just made sense to cut to the chase!

Anyway this female…

…what was her name again…

…whatever, thats just an extraneous detail, I’ll make sure I find out again on our second date…but for now I’ll call her Selena Gomez…

…well she basically told me I was everything she was looking for in a man. I was initially confused because I am pretty sure my profile reads like that ‘Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day’ book you used to read me as a kid.

Speaking of which…good choice reading me a book that was about how miserable life is for a kid that had the same name as me…I feel like it was really influential in the man I grew up to be. We couldn’t have gone with something uplifting like ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ or ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, because then I probably would have had a much brighter outlook on life, and THEN where would we be?!

Well we basically made out via text message for about a half hour as my caffienated fingers typed every word that popped into my head before I had time to think how terribly they may come across to a complete stranger.

My flirtation skills were so smooth there is a chance she may be pregnant from the conversation we had, I am like 80% sure she isn’t, but it’s okay if she is because I am absolutely prepared for that responsibility in life and by the time I need to take a kid anywhere I should be able to drive again!

Well she asked me what I was doing with the rest of my weekend eventually and I told her verbatim:

“I have standing plans from monday to order a large cheese pizza, throw on a pair of footie pajamas and make my way through the entire first season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ on Netflix.”

She told me immediately to cancel and we firmed up plans to meet up in the real life.

IN THE REAL LIFE MOM AND DAD!

Well I knew that my relationship with Netflix was solid enough to reschedule for a later date, so I took her up on it.

Netflix always understands.

I knew this was a big moment for me and that I had to absolutely pick something perfect for a first date.

Well I answered her back and I made it as convenient as possible and I think I knocked it out of the park.

“What are you doing at 7 A.M. tomorrow?!”

BOOM!

Of course no one would have anything planned that early on a saturday so it would be perfect and I was certain she wouldn’t have any plans already!

I told her to meet me at the one place I knew I couldn’t go wrong.

Also that it was within walking distance…

The Wolf Rd. Diner.

I know. I know. How am I still single right?

Well, I went to the birthday dinner and I just couldn’t get over the excitement of what was coming the next morning! I hardly slept and when I did wake in the morning, I rubbed the Prada Bags under my eyes, threw some hairspray in my untamed and refined glob of hair atop my head, and embraced my puffiest winter gear to brave the sub zero temperatures.

The sun wasn’t even up so I knew we were off to a good start…she was really going to value the fact that I made plans early enough for her to still have the rest of the day to dwell fondly over how awesome the date went!

I got there forty minutes early and had plenty of time to drink three cups of coffee while I prepared for meeting my future wife.

I pulled out my composition notebook that I had been documenting all of my tips and tricks I learned while watching rom-coms and Ryan Gosling films for research, and I buckled down on my memorization skills. I perfected all the lines I was going to use:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“It’s always been you.”

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”

Then she walked in!

Mom…Dad…we are going to make you beautiful grandkids…

In fact, despite my studying tactics, that was the line I lead off with when I met her. She seemed really happy…her eyes got really wide and she started looking around to make sure everyone else had heard how romantic I was being…

She asked me how often I meet up with people from the internet after we sat down, and I kindly explained that whole time I jetted off to Mexico with what turned out to be a drug kingpin and his wife. That was the last time that I agreed to ever get involved in a devil’s three-way without genuinely making sure there was no ulterior motive after they tied me up in the rented motel room we agreed to meet up in.

She had pancakes and I made sure to order something light, so I got bacon strips tossed with a lot of onions, because they are mostly water or something…I dunno, I read it on the internet somewhere. I could tell she regretted her decision the minute the food came because she had to plug her nose to keep from ingesting the fumes from my meal…

…it was evident she couldn’t smell it or she was going to need to call the waitress back to change her order to what I got.

Well anyway we talked about many topics over the course of the twenty minute date before she had to leave because her uncle’s twice removed cousin was in the hospital for accidently ingesting too much elbow grease…

…which she explained is toxic if swallowed.

Long story short, she was feeling the date so much that she was on her phone the entire time, telling all of her friends about how great it was going I assume.

She only asked me if I was sure that I was not gay once, which is really good considering how often they usually ask!

Selena was a little quiet, which is ok because it’s something we can work on…

…come to think of it she didn’t really talk about herself a lot at all, so I talked about me the entire time, and I even made sure to fill in the awkward silences where it looked like she was about to speak, just so she felt appreciated and not at all like I expected her to reach out past her comfort zone.

And don’t worry about the awkward ‘Who is gonna pay” tango at the end. I know how first dates work! The woman always pays because the guy will always be paying for things during the rest of the relationship.

I gave her the ol’ “you got this?” line.

Anyway I killed the date and I told Selena I couldn’t wait to start doing this on a regular basis. She shook my hand…

…taking things slowly…

…and sprinted out the door with excitement and peeled out of the parking lot leaving me feeling great about the experience as a whole.

Well she was speechless, I obviously killed the curve as far as online dating goes because I didn’t hear from her for an entire day even though I was texting her frequently!

But I heard back from her yesterday and it was better than I could have expected:

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She got her days mixed up because that ‘someone’ she met was actually me…she was playing it coy…but you can see how eager she was to get back to me about hanging out again. She even wants to bring her friend into the mix!

I’ll let you know when I pop the question mom and dad.

Love(but not too much because I have to save some for my future wife),

Alex

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Look Mom, I joined Tinder: A Social Experiment.

Dear World,

First and foremost I want you all to know that I never intended for the tattoo I got to cover most of my lower back, I was specific in my description to the artist and he took some liberties with size and shape. I promise it’s not as bad as it sounds, and please don’t listen to any of the haterz that might tell you it is a ‘tramp stamp’.

That implies I’m easy and we all know how selective I am in who I let take advantage of me.

Listen, we all hit that lull in life. I don’t want any of you to feel down about yourselves when you get there. It’s a point when you have crucial decisions to make about life. Its a point where you need to weigh your post degree options for employment. It’s a point when you’re on your own and everyone tells you it’s time to truly discover who you are as a person which is horseshit, they just can’t say sucks you’re single again without sounding abrasive and mightier than thou.

You will eventually get back up on the horse you rode into the world on and you will become the best person you have ever been.

I’m guessing of course…I’m not really in control of the world. You may end up being a blob who lays in front of their HULU plus account all day that slings meth for a living to desperate ladies of the night willing to go above and beyond for that next fix.

Either way, I have read that the key to success is to make life what you want it to be. I believe it was the night janitor of my office building who once said:

“Would you like me to get rid of the garbage?”

And yes. Yes, I genuinely would like the garbage from life removed. Such a wise man to speak such prophetic questions!

But where do I start?!

By meeting new people of course! No, not out at the bars silly! We don’t do that! I’m speaking of course, of the only logical place to meet anyone these days…

…the Internet.

Now pay close attention Mom and Dad, fellow readers, I’m talking about legitimate social sites! I wont be flying cross country or anything to meet someone who has four shared interests with me according to their profile blurb, because that would just be crazy and honestly no matter how much they promise it will be action packed and exactly like that movie ‘Taken’, I am really seeking something low key.

I’m going local, and I’m being smart about it! I won’t go outside a fifteen mile radius, and that’s my final offer here for these new people, and frankly it seems like a good way to limit the plethora of individual I will undoubtedly rope in with my honest to goodness ‘about me’ details.

I signed myself up on three websites to meet people initially because my friend Foo, the Asian one who isn’t really named Foo but absolutely lives up to every single Asian stereotype…

…well he told me they were not useful, full of robots and girls that stand you up at the movies, and quite possibly the biggest waste of time in the universe…and I really thought that it would be a good morale booster based on that description.

Really though, people go about it all wrong. Humanity doesn’t understand the way the masses respond nowadays. They don’t genuinely want to know who you are, or what you’re into when your not helping your cat clean itself at night during a riveting episode of American Idol.

Foo, and world, take note. I have perfected the craft. These are my legitimate profiles:

Tinder:

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Now this site, from what I understand is basically a dating site that comes with the connotation that you want to make the sex with a mutually interested sex maker. Like getting coffee but with your genitalia if you will!

The part that is interesting/unbelievably uncomfortable about this app, aside from possibly getting plugged by a complete stranger, is that you show your mutual sex interest in the most shallow way possible. Here’s how it works:

Step 1: User picture pops up.

Step 2: Judge the absolute and utter fuck out of this probably genuine human being solely on how they look.

Are they unbelievably attractive?

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Absolutely!

Swipe them to the right! You want to bone them. Be proud.

Do they appear as though they may have been hit by a truck/be missing an appendage/actually be a psychotic axe murderer hell bent on revenge because their ex left them for someone much fitter and muscular than you and all you can do is sob about it night after night?

Swipe that shit to the left.

You’re not interested.

They can make the sex without you.

The nice part about this app is that until the other person shows interest in you as well…you’ll never see/hear from them ever again! But if you mutually swipe eachother to the right…it sets you up to start messaging them things about you. Like how ham gives you really bad gas. Or how Michael Jackson may be your illigitamate love father, but you’ll never see a dime of his money because the other four brothers are selfish.

Anyway you’re allowed to type an about me, but it is limited to a certain amount of characters, kind of like using the Twitter, so I knew if I had any chance at convincing anyone to swipe me right, I absolutely had to come across irresistible.

20140123-091026.jpgNailed it.

OkCupid:

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So this site is fun! While it can be used completely for free, the creators want to limit you to minimal interactions with your new cohorts. But for a small fee you can beef up your profile and even find out when and where and how often people are re-reading your bio to gain insight into who you really truly are, and making it easier to meet up/slip something in your drink/make you their living Barbie doll tied up in their basement. It’s like prostitution but amongst new friends if you pay, so I picked the free route. It has absolutely nothing to do with me being a cheap bastard.

First they suggest you pick a really nice user picture, not because society is shallow and stuff and ready to nix you at the drop of a hat because you look like Rita the Elephant Woman or Bobby the King of Facial Acne, but because when people read your deets they’re gonna want a face to go with all those little fun facts about you. I chose that squinty one from above again, because why alter perfection, right?

By the way Mom, how proud are you that you and Dad made the sex and that was the result?

(Oh, I wonder if I should add date of conception to my bio? TBD…)

Awesome! We’re on our way here! Readers, are you paying attention? This is were it becomes crucial!

Filling out your info:

Now we want to be honest and not at all misleading here, yet at the same time, we need to make ourselves look attractive and appealing as fuck using only our words. Here’s my about me:

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Awesome!

The new people that look at us are going to appreciate our honestly and that is what people value most nowadays.

NEXT! We have to talk about things we are good at. Take a moment and reflect on all the things you do in life.

Are you actually good at anything?

Yes?

Put that shit down. And be super specific, people fucking appreciate specificity.

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I don’t want to be boastful, but at this point we should really clear our schedules for the next couple of months because we’re going to have zero free time with all the babes and buddies rolling in now.

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Wait! Stop it!

What the hell was that Alex?! That was TOO honest.

No girl is going to read that list and think to themselves, ‘Man I sure am glad this guy was honest. He seems like straight up husband material, what with the O.C. being his favorite show…snatch him up now!’

Quick! Recover with something clever…maybe even a lie…just make yourself look good before you lose their attention.

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Phew!

That was close. Just stick with that mentality for the rest of these forms.

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Superb job!

Your favorite food is a vegetable which will draw in only people fit and unbelievably in shape like your sculpted self. Also, decent call with the mosh pit portion, nothing says masculine like bumping into sweaty teenage boys just to feel something comparable to your cold soul dying inside that shell you call a body.

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Perfection!

More honesty and a pop culture reference?! Maybe you should open a business writing people’s profiles! It’s amazing you’ve been seeking that special someone instead of already being tied down!

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GUYS!

Are you still paying attention? Do you see what I did there?

I took pity, and passive aggressiveness and mashed them together to create one ass-amount of appeal and reason for everyone to reach out to me.

And finally…make sure you alert everyone of your political standings! But do it subtly!

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That’s right brah…pro choice 4 lyfe.

Plenty of Fish (POF):

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Readers, this one is super useful. You basically just answer a bunch of questions about yourself and fill out a few quick blurbs and it starts matching your personality with people and it lets you know who you’re compatible with. It’s easy and you are going to meet the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life…your perfect life mate.

Let’s get down to business!

Start with a bio. Try to make it a little different from your other ones…but keep a common thread or two in their in case you bump into the same people from other sites! How faux pas!

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Solid choices.

You see? We left a little bit more mystery here, but allowed the reader to pursue more if they deem us socially acceptable and pretty enough to be seen with in public.

Same squinty faced picture.

Stop trying to change me world.

Now the big question. First dates. Woof.
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More specificity, interest in “Girl Power”, honesty. Safe to say we officially got this down. Let’s try not to blow it on the interests section.

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Straight up readers, if you made it this far and proofed that entire list with nothing but head nods and sure utter agreement, then there is nothing more you can learn from me. There is just one thing left to do before you try to ‘lure’ in some potential interests…

The tag line.

Everyone will see this when you view their profiles/stalk them/vote them at a five star rating because they look like they’re in shape but they have really just figured out the perfect shirt to make their man-boobs look like pecks. It’s important to get your point across in this one sentence and make sure everyone knows you are taking this whole thing really seriously. Here’s a few of my personal favorites from people this website tells me I’m a perfect match for:

20140123-145219.jpgI am absolutely in agreement with this.

No wonder we matched up girl.

20140123-145232.jpgWhy at the library? I barely read.

She’ll never buy it girl.

20140123-145242.jpgObviously. Who the fuck doesn’t?

As long as you’re talking about ‘Goodburger’ that is.

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I’m not even sure what this means.

I am genuinely concerned with getting this thing stick though.

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Yo. We haven’t even met yet.

I’m starting to think you might be super needy if you give up that easy.

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I mean…

…like a second head? On one shoulder?

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Legally? No.

Also, you really shouldn’t be doing the whole online dating thing while you drive.

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Online? On a dating site?

I found you?

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Yeah…there is no way you and I could have matched up.

Amateurs.

Don’t worry guys, after all this prodding into my personal life while setting these accounts up, I know exactly what to put to make sure people take a gander:

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So friends, Mom and Dad, and anyone else who just killed fifteen minutes reading this, I’ll make sure I keep you updated with posts about the interesting people I meet. My hopes are high, and I’m in good spirit about this…

…but Foo is probably right. It’s probably not gonna work.

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