Be Underwhelming: Rules for Impressing Lovers on Vacation.

Dear Mom and Dad, Wegmans and whoever plans to travel soon,

I wanted to let you know that I heard your caution to take things slow during this new relationship. The advice you gave was clear and concise and any normal human being would heed your warnings.

But much like the time you told me not to try making s’mores in the toaster oven, and though I still maintain they would have tasted great regardless of the house burning down, I have chosen to ignore your decree.

And so in an attempt to woo my new lady of the night (no she’s not a hooker she just works until 6 so I usually only see her in the evenings), I asked her to go on a vacation.

I know what you’re going to say…and honestly, I feel like we have known each other for years! I really feel as though I know enough about her to invite her on a long car ride to meet family members I usually wait until the second Christmas to introduce.

I believe it was the wise Chris Brown who once spoke of amorous feelings when he said:

“I’m on some new shit, I’m chuckin them deuces up.”

Such wisdom. He most certainly does not GAF.

(Mom this means ‘give a fuck’)

And so we set out on a drive down the east coast to Virginia Beach for one unbelievably relaxing vacation. I figured I would just update you and let you know about all the rules I learned about vacationing with lovers and the plethora of events we got to experience together making our power couple status comparable to that of HOV and Bey.

Rule 1:

You’re going to want to get an early start on your vacation. In this case I made sure to accommodate our circumstances well. When I say circumstances I mean she drove the whole way. So as a surprise, and in order to ensure she wouldn’t have to hit rush hour traffic or be driving late into the evening, I set my alarm for 4:30 a.m. just to make sure she was wide awake and ready to cart our asses around.

Don’t worry, I used Miley Cyrus for an alarm ringtone so she would wake up really happy.

We stopped at McDonalds for breakfast, and I couldn’t decide which breakfast sandwich I wanted her to buy me more, bacon egg and cheese on a bagel or a biscuit, so I just ordered both with a coffee and I definitely should have gotten the biscuit only, the bagel was sub-par but whatever I didn’t buy it.

Well, whatever the mud they called coffee actually is, it ran through me quick and I had to stop at a rest area. Plus it gives your beau a half hour to stretch their legs while they cart your Ms. Daisy ass around.

Rule 2:

If you stop for bathroom breaks, take your sweet time. You’re gonna be on the road a while, and even if your partner doesn’t have to go, you don’t want to rush.

Also, in the event you clog the rest stop toilet, I know you are wondering and yes, definitely tell your boo as you exit the bathroom. They will be proud and they will congratulate you with things like:

“Those things are made to take down anything and everything…just…how?”

“You’re so pretty”

Rule 2a:

Fart.
Fart a lot.

Rule 3:

If you stop anywhere for an hour or two, and there is a mall nearby, and you’re a man, prepare to be there for three to four hours. I don’t plan these things well, and I like shopping, but somehow whenever my new boo takes me to the mall to grab

“a strapless bra”

it really means

“new flip flops, a maxi dress, wait maybe this maxi dress, or this maxi dress, can you pick one of these the navy with gray striped maxi dress or the navy with charcoal striped maxi dress, never mind I’ll get both, new hat just in case there’s sun, probably a soda, but no not that soda, I want the soda from that place, ew this one has zero carbonation, probably a haircut at this Sears salon would be cost affective and convenient because we’re here, don’t you need sweatpants oh well whatever I’ll just wear them, oh I work here so I get a discount we should walk the perimeter of the store eight times just in case I can use my store discount maybe, do you think it’s warm enough for flip flops maybe I should return them, oh and did you want to stop in the Chik-fil-a we originally came here to eat at?”

Rule 4:

As a passenger, it is your absolute duty to entertain the driver. They are going to get stressed, and you are going to hit traffic, and when you hit this traffic and they double down with exhaustion and anxiety and all they want to do is sleep and stop driving, that’s when you have to up your game and prove you are the best car co-pilot ever as well as a useful lover not just during the secks.

Tell them how good they’re doing. Things like:

“Honey, you’re overreacting you just need to learn how to merge properly.”

“That was the exit a half mile back you just chose not to get over so we’ll just find the re-route.”

“Your emotions are surprisingly tame for having your period, that in itself is something you should be proud of.”

And when THAT doesn’t work, pull out the big guns, and distract the other drivers trapped in the gridlocked hell by smushing your beautiful face against the passenger side window. Your driver will laugh through her tears and that four car fender bender you cause will be a distant memory in thirty to forty minutes.

Rule 4a:

Definitely take a lot of pictures of your girlfriend even if they don’t want you to, like in the rain or when they’re trying to “snuggle” or whatever.

20140424-162544.jpg

20140424-162552.jpg

Rule 5:

No matter how good of a person you are, don’t fuck with the universe by saying things like “we made it safe and sound” a block from your destination…

…because the universe will summon animals, like Bambi…

…and your driver/girlfriend will barrel into Bambi’s skull at a high rate of speed…

…and she will have another panic attack because this is the first deer she has ever hit EVER and she will of course, have just been talking about how nothing has ever gone wrong with her car since she’s owned it just before this occurs.

Definitely keep your thoughts on safe arrival to yourself.

And whatever you do, don’t refer to your lover as Bambi murderer or Venison creator for the rest of the trip.

Rule 6:

Take some time for you. Get a pedicure. They are fantastic.

20140424-162844.jpg

The chairs assault your back like you owe it money, and they do all kinds of things to your feet that you never knew you could do. Like shave them, lotion them, and give your legs a massage that could make a paraplegic moan with joy.

Rule 6a:

Don’t make paraplegic jokes. Ever.

Rule 7:

Visit all the novelty gas stations/grocery stores/fast food joints you don’t get to in your shitty overbearing town of Albany, like Wegmans, WAWA, Wegmans, Sonic, Wegmans, White Castle, Chil-Fil-A, Wegmans, IKEA, and Wegmans.

Seriously, Albany, fucking Wegmans. Stop being so lame and just sell booze at the grocery stores this is ridiculous.

Rule 7a:

Something to keep in mind when traveling is that your bowels are on a fairly strict regimine. Disruption in the form of temperature change, altitude change, or even the stress of having to criticize someone else’s driving for a week can block you up for some time and that can get uncomfortable.

Definitely DO NOT get food at the above locations and pile it on top of the compounded issue.

UNLESS! You have never tried them before…

In which case, in order get the spicy chicken club sandwich with waffle fries, IKEAS Swedish Meatballs and a salmon dill wrap, McDonalds at least twice, a buffalo chorizo based egg dish for breakfast at a kick ass diner, any and all breakfast sandwiches at WAWA, seafood at the Virginia Beach shore in grilled and fried format, a gigantic bagel sandwich at a cute sandwich shop, a giant bagel schmeared with cream cheese also because YOLO, and a creamy chicken and spinach Alfredo.

But be warned, piling this internal organ layer of food together leads to the next rule.

Rule 8:

When you stop up your hotel rooms toilet, you absolutely positively need to notify your lover first. It doesn’t matter how invested in the current episode of ‘Flip it to Win it’ they are, you shut it off, look down at the ground shamefully, and then inform them that you’re going to have to be a little late to the free beverage and cheese hour at the hotel lounge because there is an inch of toilet water on the floor in the bathroom.

Then call maintenance. Priorities.

Then when maintenance arrives, say something to the effect of:

“I have no idea how that happened”

or

“Does this happen often?”

Then, because your insides didn’t suffer enough the last five days, go eat enough cheese and creamy pastas to block up someone with IBS comparable to that of Pompeii’s eruption.

Rule 9:

Because you got a great deal on Priceline from that guy from Star Trek, you are located on the 8th floor, in a private bode where silence is encouraged and loud noises are frowned upon.

20140424-211433.jpg

Take this opportunity to prove to the world that even though you’re not super well endowed (thanks a lot mom and dad), you can still get the job done.

I’m not saying to have the sex loud and rambunctiously while you’re on vacation, but I am saying you should at least spend some time slamming your palm against the neighbors wall while you make noises similar to the ones you’re going to hear when you visit the zoo the next day.

You’ll feel better. I promise.

And you definitely won’t cry by yourself eating leftover room service from the night before because your girlfriend “needed to hit the steam room for some alone time”.

Rule 10:

When you visit the museums your bae wanted to see, definitely opt for the audio tour. Even though they will complain afterwards about how much of a pain it was, it earns you an hour of silence while you pretend you’re listening to your tour but really are enjoying not hearing about how “tired” someone is from all the driving she has done.

Rule 11:

Other states don’t have the concept of always being hungry grasped, so you need to be aware, places like Richmond and Virginia Beach, close down their restaurants at 2 p.m. right at peak “grab a samwich somewhere to tide us over” time and then they don’t re-open until 5 when it’s dinner time.

You should definitely look like a man in front of your new girlfriend and freak out because you’re hangry and there is no where to get a god damn peice of food that isn’t from a seven eleven and you should definitely blow it out of proportion and pout because girls love that shit and when they tell you to stop being dramatic you should definitely blow that shit out of proportion and say things about how you should just break up then because obviously she doesn’t value your relationship when you can’t get a fucking sandwich after walking around all goddamn day and only eating a handful of goldfish.

(I used to have a temper problem and I’ve really been working on it at the request of my mother, and I think we can all agree looking back on rule 11 that we learned a really valuable perspective on how well we’re doing because we haven’t had an outburst like that in a while, and we are super fortunate to have a girlfriend who will at least wait until we get back home to break up with us so that we don’t lose control in a foreign state)

Rule 12:

If you do get pouty, definitely make sure when getting off your exit to go back to your relatives, that you exact revenge on the driver for calling you a princess and telling you to calm down by telling them you know where you’re going, and then saying left here, right there, for fifteen minutes before you end up in a church parking lot and then admit you have no idea where you were going and then when your girlfriend gets upset you have the upper hand and can say things like:

“Now who’s being the drama queen?”

You win.

FINALLY, Rule 13:

Make sure you tweet everything that happens. Broads love twitter. Document the trip, you’ll be better off:

20140424-153235.jpg20140424-153301.jpg

20140424-153310.jpg 20140424-153319.jpg 20140424-153327.jpg 20140424-153335.jpg 20140424-153343.jpg 20140424-153350.jpg 20140424-153407.jpg 20140424-153416.jpg 20140424-153425.jpg 20140424-153435.jpg 20140424-153443.jpg 20140424-153451.jpg 20140424-153501.jpg 20140424-153510.jpg 20140424-153517.jpg 20140424-153526.jpg 20140424-153533.jpg

 

Still taken but unsure why,

Me.

Standard

Tactics in puffing your chest out: a letter regarding judgment.

Dear malpractice suit filers and minions from ‘Despicable Me’,

minions gif | Tumblr

I know it’s been a while since I’ve shared with you. Life got crazy since I entered the world of online dating. All kinds of people came into my life and I’m not sure still how to deal with feelings and awkward social situations.

But something happened in the world of online dating recently that kind of threw me a little bit.

I got into a bit of a predicament; a catty tiff with a man who identifies as a bi-sexual.

I know. I’m sure this sounds ludicrous, and I’m certain I’m probably blowing it out of proportion, but I was mildly offended and disheartened.

Quick back story:

Basically I really pride myself on currently being a person who anyone can get along with. In the past maybe not so much, but I am a lover of all things people and all things equal. Whatever some may want to refer to as the “homosexual agenda” or ‘LGQBT Equality’, I have and continue to support because frankly it’s nobody’s goddamn business to decide who/how people are, and honestly people are people.

Moving on, this blog is not about politics. That’s all I will say personally on the matter. So if you’re closed minded or don’t care you can stop here…

But if you choose to continue reading I will address three things before I display my efforts in online defense against what I’m electing to call a bully.

1. My personality is less than masculine and I live my life as a very carefree and comfortable male. I identify as straight, I rarely come across as such, I have male acquaintances that I love deeply, and I have and I am comfortable enough to state facts like:

Adam Brody is attractive.

The singer from Maroon 5’s abs could take me on a date if they really wanted.

This quart of Breyer’s chocolate ice cream I’m currently shoveling in my mouth is going straight to my hips.

HOWEVER I am also comfortable in stating that I only have the sex with and to this day only find myself wanting to be in relationships/in love/whatever-with females.

It is what it is. You don’t really have a say. That’s the wonderful part about being a human being.

2. I feel as though I certainly get along well with those identifying as LGQBT and I very much am okay with that. Some of the best people I know identify as something other than heterosexual and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

3. Stereotypes amongst humans are abhorrent. Whether racial, religious or lifestyle based. Honestly we should all be good to each other and cut the bullshit when it comes to ignorance.

Quick survey!

Since my ego is deflated from arguing, I need a boost before we continue, predominantly from the gay men in my life, because I want to feel better than the ass-hat in question made me feel.

The roommate of my current beau who hasn’t had a long time to know me yet:

20140313-124831.jpg

20140313-124851.jpg

20140313-124911.jpg

And of course because he’s selfish he expects payment for participating in research.

20140313-125009.jpg

A fair trade in my opinion.

The ‘friend’ of the new beau’s roommate that has the same name and they pretend like it’s not weird when they’re getting handsy:

20140313-184826.jpg

A wonderful man I have known a bit and attended high school and participated in musical theatre with:

20140313-125126.jpg

Too kind. Really.

My always trustworthy GBF (gay best friend) since the age of 11:

20140313-151057.jpg

20140313-151113.jpg

And I guess for accurate results…

My hetero-life partner/best friend:

20140313-125341.jpg

20140313-125358.jpg

20140313-125415.jpg

20140313-125431.jpg

Two things learned:

1. I am average in the eyes of some males who find themselves involved amorously involved with other men.

2. On a scale of which Ryan Gosling is a ten – I will never be a ten.

Back to what happened:

OkCupid has this wonderful set up where you can state what you’re looking for based on their previously decided upon criteria, for those identifying as straight males, the options read something to the effect of:

Girls only.
Girls who like guys.
Girls who are bi-sexual.
Everybody.

I’m not the brightest pop-tart in the box, and so in looking to just meet new people in general I selected everybody under the belief that anyone I would be meeting should be free to like whomever they want not strictly women who like men and women, or only men.

Though when a male named ROBBIE messaged me I admit, I was caught off guard. Not in a fear based way, but because I identified as straight and he, after conversing, appeared to be interested in trying to pursue an amorous based Internet correspondence.

Essentially, I told him I was a wizard and that I was all knowing. Then he stopped talking and seemingly ended the chat.

20140313-132448.jpg

Well that lasted a whole sleep cycle before he countered my non responsive self by showing some teeth.

20140313-132630.jpg

Yikes.

To be clear, leading up to this conversation, there was nothing that came across as pursuant of me, and it was more like a questioning of how I knew him. (Mutual friends/people that make nice to your face while you compete in the local karaoke competition at the ‘gay bars’ in Albany.[Him, not me, I don’t go to bars])

My immediate response was to be blunt and defensive. Honestly I felt a bit offended.

20140313-133143.jpg

20140313-133159.jpg

I’m sassy, and while I probably could have been nicer and informed him of how I knew information (limited) about him, I bit back. I wasn’t being mean but I was confused why it was even an issue if my profile states I’m a straight male.

But Robbie pulled his claws out.

20140313-133927.jpg

1. Everyone in Albany is a straight male seeking companionship on the Internet and being called out by non-heterosexual male?

2. I think, though I can’t be certain, ‘tragic’ is one of those words to use when you can’t come up with an honest reaction to someone saying no…I definitely have used it in that context at least.

Clearly there was a misunderstanding, which I admit was in part to my misconception of the sites options. To be clear, I wasn’t looking to make a joke at the expense of anyone other than myself when I joined these sites.

Believe me or not, frankly IDGAF.

I tried to respond with sassiness, but also attempted to keep it light and direct it back toward a friendly ‘we could be chummy’ perspective.

20140313-134448.jpg

Sadly, bye doesn’t always cut it for me and I really just want to be liked, and I was really sad to hear Robbie being so careless as he really didn’t know me.

20140313-140056.jpg

And that is when it happened…

20140313-140218.jpg

20140313-140506.jpg

20140313-140522.jpg

20140313-140543.jpg

Robbie clearly felt the need to backpedal a smidge:

20140313-141010.jpg

20140313-141037.jpg

20140313-141102.jpg

Long story short, I suppose I need to be more up front and conscious in certain scenarios.But I would like to just take the opportunity to crush the notion that heterosexual men are strictly interested in attaining ‘dat pussy’.

We all have different methods going about pursuing romantic interests, and while some brahs elect to seek strictly fornication of the shortest extent, some guys are genuine and good.

Like Foo. He’s still single.

Come on ladies.

Fondly,
Alexander.

Standard

Leggings as a Thing: a Response to Fashion Week.

Dear Dolce and Gabbana,

It’s fashion week here in the Most Things are Garbage household.

This means three things.

Number one: the repercussions from Super Bowl are the devil. All that salsa laden food covered in various cheeses and seasonings probably influenced by salt has all settled in the mid section of my body, and it is holding my waistline hostage somewhere on the tipping point of a 31 spilling over into a 32.

But cheese. Dear god the cheese.

Number two: my cat and dog are not my biggest fans. Don’t get me wrong, dressing them up is great and fashion week is all about the looks, but my dog is super comfortable when he is naked and roaming free in life, and really who the hell isn’t?! It just makes it easier for him when he decides to embarrass me in front of all the dates I bring home from the Internet as he pleasures himself at their feet while we watch Amelie on the couch.

Number three: Research!

I believe it was Spider-Man who said “With great fashion comes great responsibility.”…

…or something like that.

I mean it’s 2014 now so I feel as though fashion is unbelievably lenient now-a-days, and that there is a lot more room to be flexible.

Personally, I’m usually an all dark everything-all black everything kinda guy usually. My standard wardrobe would make the interior of Drake’s Maserati blush.

As far as dress goes though, I am not on the up and up with the latest trends or the hot styles now. It is complicated and written a long while back, but if you really want to know the progression of my fashion technique, you can read this.

Basic gist: My mom picked out my outfits until I was 24 and I made those sex-bracelets out of soda cap things to wear, and then passed them off to my parents as me being creative and not at all slutty. Also, those bracelets didn’t work and I usually ended up breaking all of my own while I played with my action figures on a nightly basis. Then I made progress somewhere after an ex-gfs insistence that I dress human, I understood how important the world of fashion truly was. There’s only so many times someone can say, ‘Stop shopping at Delia’s’ before you finally start listening.

Blah blah blah, a few years later I’m basically Tyra Banks.

So I basically understood all things fashion except one:

When the fuck did it become socially acceptable to wear leggings as pants.

Mom! You didn’t prepare me for this!! I’ve seen some horrible things!

To me saying leggings are pants, is like saying cotton swabs make a good substitute for pepperoni as a topping on pizza. No, just stop it doesn’t make sense!

I had to get to the bottom of it, this fashion phenomenon that has been sweeping the world.

Well as I generally tend to do before I believe anything I’m told, I heavily considered setting out to conduct a very detailed experimentation. I weighed the pros and cons of actually wearing a pair of leggings as pants for 24 hours, and was quite hesitant but a friends Facebook post pretty much solidified the decision for me:

20140210-094310.jpg

Sold.

20140210-094346.jpg

Luckily for me, I gave up on shame several months ago. I mean really what does in matter in the long run, grand scheme of things in life, a male wearing leggings out as pants should be considered normal right?

Well staying true to the daily experiment, I began by purchasing a 10$ pair of jeggings at target in the women’s section. It was not awkward for I had my female companion in friendship in attendance with me. I grabbed a bag of gummy worms and a copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary for checkout so there would be no misconstrued notions about what I was doing.

“Ten dollars?!? Where did you find these?” exclaimed the female cashier.

Somewhere between shirts that look like dresses and accessories I have zero idea how to utilize.

One, two, skip a few and here we are at D-Day. I made sure to wear my leggings to bed so that I awoke physically wearing them for the start of my 24 hour period.

I fixed myself a pot of coffee and a hearty plate of bacon because, well these have an elastic waistband and who the hell am I trying to impress really?

I mean with the exception of that OkCupid date at Starbucks but was there any doubt that I wouldn’t kill that?

20140218-103207.jpg

And so, as their time wound down as house guests, Kurt and Rachelle in all their marital bliss, invited me to join them around the Capitol Region while they ran errands.

20140218-105913.jpg

I figured since I was basically going to be miserable wearing basically no pants all day, I may as well take in some pre-wedding bickering to really twist the whole knife of joy lodged in the torso that is my life.

Well we made our way through several locations to collect data, as will be evident below in the results. To begin, in the car I did the only thing any reasonable person would do when conducting an experiment of this caliber:

Post about it on Facebook.
20140210-153017.jpg

I apologize to no one. I have done everything right up to this point.

Next, I took a ‘from where I stand‘ photo to post to the Instagram at a later date after results were concluded.

20140210-153229.jpg

It was eerily reminiscent of the majority of shots I tend to see on the Instagram, so I knew I was doing something correct.

Suddenly, and without warning, my 00’s pop princess mix on Spotify was interrupted by the buzz and buffering of multiple notifications. Apparently, my post on the Facebook had caused a stirring in the loins of many females, and opinions began rolling in a la the form of comments:

20140210-153619.jpg

I am not saying no more pants is a bad thing. I’m also not saying the female who posted this has never taken her pants off in front of me.

(She hasn’t. I got friend zoned when I was like 9 for saying the word ‘vagina’ in front of her on the summer camp bus. Boys are gross.)

What I am saying, is that females rushing to the defense of their sacred skin-tites was not enough to convince me!

20140210-154111.jpg

Well you know women…20140210-155346.jpg

So of course there were many more opinions to be given:

20140210-155616.jpg20140210-155711.jpg

Obviously by this point I was welcoming any and all opinions because I knew in the long run half the research would be done for me. Part of the plan all along.

There were funny opinions:

20140210-162425.jpg

There were honest and sincere opinions:

20140210-162607.jpg20140210-162653.jpg

There was sassy-ness:

20140210-162826.jpg

There was classic disagreement amongst the female species:

20140210-163004.jpg20140210-163021.jpg

Obviously there would be no final group consensus as we all know that females can never just agree on something.

I knew that the fate of leggings as pants lay I’m the hands of me, and I had to get straight to business.

Below are my findings:

Daily itinerary by location:
Big Lots
The family Dollar
Michaels Craft Store
Starbucks (OkCupid first date)
Home

Variables:

Constant– me, my beauty, my ass, my sass, hair.

Changing– butt uncovered 50% of the time at each location, customer type in store.

Reasoning and rules:

1. The golden rule.

Leggings being worn as pants is applicable first and foremost ONLY if the booty is covered. It is scientifically proven, and therefore is the first regulation to this process. See scientific findings below:

20140211-125816.jpg

Booties are meant to be poppin, but not in leggings ladies. Covering your bottom makes all the difference out in public.

See:

Hot:

20140211-130137.jpg

Not:

20140211-130357.jpg

2. Present yourself well!!! 

Choose your outfit carefully. Whatever the fuck tunics are, they are apparently closely associated with the legging ensemble. I chose a tank top under an oversized sweater. It was sensible and not too ragged. It requires a certain chutzpah to pull it off in public, and while you may feel comfortable, the attitude makes all the difference between:

‘Look I’m lazy am I doing the shopping right oh god what is my life I miss my cats time to go home’

20140211-130856.jpg

And…

‘Look I’m basically Beyoncé you’re just frontin’, I AM Sasha Feirce and yuh jealous’

20140211-131222.jpg

3. Know what to expect.

There is a very good chance you are going to get some looks. Am I right or am I right ladies? You have to be aware of your surroundings, and science proves that with certain places come certain levels of judgment. In reality, we all know the real judgment free zone is not planet fitness, but Walmart.

Below are the findings from my day:
20140218-085150.jpg

If you notice, places you would expect to see leggings as pants (Big Lots, Family Dollar) are more judgmental than those places you are expected to be creative and different (Michaels, home). This is because your brain loses the ability to give a shit how you look when you go to locations you fully expect to see a lazy ensemble.

4. There is a direct correlation between pockets/zippers and comfort: 20140218-090744.jpg

Where sweatpants are basically the closest thing to allowing your bottom parts to feel more free than my refills at Starbucks, jeans can be binding and constrictive. Leggings comfort level becomes clear when put in these terms.

5. Say no to UGGS.

Look I’m not saying UGGS look stupid with leggings, I’m saying UGGS look stupid. You need to own this look, and frankly everyone looks foolish in UGGS.

Be a boss, sneakers for the win kiddos:

20140218-093238.jpg

Final verdict:

LEGGINGS ARE COMFY AS FUCKKKKKKK!!!

Here’s the bottom line though. If you love your body and you’re comfortable, who gives a shit what you’re wearing.

Odds are you’ll end up reclined in front of Netflix anyway.

20140218-094746.jpg

Honestly, with the amount of criticism put on body types and choice of dress nowadays, I personally vote for the whole if you like it, wear it at this point.

Science agrees:

20140218-102329.jpg

Just do you, learn to love the skin you’re in, and you’ll be fine.

And take lots of selfies…always…

20140218-103028.jpg

Bless this mess,
Alex.

Standard

A ‘Dear Justin’ Letter : On behalf of the World.

Dear Justin,

Hey man.

Yeah yeah, I know I know. I’m great. Stahhp it.

But listen, I wanted to reach out because I feel like you need some support. It seems like you have hit that awkward teen stage in life where you lose all sense of your pre-pubescent roots, and now your grasping for friendly hands as you drown in your own errors.

Like many teen starlets who started out at a young age, you’re traveling down a very dangerous road and the world is watching as you’re on your way to becoming yesterday’s garbage-y news.

I need you to understand, you’re not the same person you used to be, and I’m not sure what happened between you and Usher but first thing is first, you gotta get that man back in your corner.

That Scooter guy you have walking around with you is clearly not doing his job. Look, do you remember when you first started out?

You had so much promise. You had your very indelible vocal abilities and your hair was everything girls wanted atop their boyfriends head when they met up with them after first period in senior hallway.

You were young, blossoming and about to embark on the world of fame, but you got thrust into it way to hard. Touring must be difficult for such an attractive guy, and I feel you on that front, what with the bags under your eyes and then trying to maintain such juvenile and boyish looks.

We are basically in the same boat there buddy.

Take a look at your earlier work though…

In ‘Bigger’ on your debut album, you spoke about how the haterz look small to you because you are bigger than they are, and your love was bigger than them.

Your maturity was flourishing. It was almost like an adult had written that song and you performed it…

…which we know isn’t the case since the music industry is filled with people who write their own music and don’t sell out to larger record labels to only put out glittery shit-storms of poppy goodness.

I mean you had lyrical genius back then! Remember ‘One Time’? It’s probably been a while since you sang it live but you showed off your basic math skills to us repeating ‘you plus me’ over and over…

To tell a girl that her world is your world, and that your heart is her heart?! That’s some shit people usually save for marriage.

Biebs, even I don’t have that lesson figured out.

Then you dropped some gems like ‘One Less Lonely Girl’ which assisted in building, and populating your fan base. Honestly if having young girls following you around and exploiting the fact that they all believe every word you speak is meant for them is wrong, then I wouldn’t want to be right.

Even ‘Baby’, oh dear god, I think even I looked at you with a glimmer in my eye.

It was a masterpiece, and your dance skills finally came to the surface in the magic video. You even got Luda on the track!

LUDA!

And lest we forget Selena!

You landed the most age appropriate and gorgeous teen star that hadn’t become a meth-addicted cat lady yet. Have you SEEN her lately!? She is fine as hell! And you gave that up?!

She could have like, anyone in the universe, and you took a pass on it after a year or so of dating?!

She’s doing great for herself too! ‘Come and Get it’ was like a summer anthem for me thanks to an overly obsessed ex that insisted it was the only thing we listened to while we were making out.

Do you know who the world has seen you running around with since the break up?!

Jaden Smith.

Not even the cool one, Willow!

He told kids they should drop out of school Justin! What kind of example is that to set when a revolution is in your hands? (Side note: if y’all are still close, give him a swift kick in the nuts for the travesty that was the ‘Karate Kid’ remake)

Look something went terribly wrong man, and I know what happened.

You cut your fucking hair.

No but really, hear me out!

That was all it took, and then you began your spiral. From my point of view, here is what I saw happen:

You started REALLY young and you were good at what you did, and then puberty hit, you styled your hair differently and you gained the classic child star confidence that my exes all seem to gain after they leave me.

Nothing phases you and you’re out to prove to the world that you’re the best there is.

Your balls dropped and there was a legitimate crisis in the universe about whether or not you were going to be able to pull things off with a deeper voice. And you did! But then you got some tats.

Justin, tattoos are in fact cool, and they should be really meaningful too. But like, look at some of the things you’ve permanently put on your body…

What do they mean Justin? And why would you get a king jerking off in front of a castle? That doesn’t even make sense…

Then you started becoming this angry ball of fire that I just didn’t know anymore. Do you remember the time you threatened the paparazzi in your car?

You used the f-word.

I lost some respect for you that day man.

And from what I gather so did Selena, because before we knew it the two of you had separated and she was back on the market. I’m sorry I sent her so many letters pleading with her to love me and telling her I would treat her right, I just got caught up in the moment.

We’re still cool right?

Then you stopped wearing the purple and black combo, the largest error in my opinion. You switched to wearing all these really dumb ridiculous clothes that don’t even make sense to look at.

Sometimes you just didn’t wear clothes.

Then your new album drops and it is just filled with poop Justin. Your voice is so good and you are doing songs with Nicki Minaj?! That’s like Justin Timberlake doing a duet with Taylor Swift.

It’s poop Justin. You have to utilize your powerful voice again, you can’t just go around singing about heartbreak from a relationship you yourself ended.

And you tried to come up with a catch phrase but it didn’t even pan out for you! WTF is ‘Swaggy’ Justin?!

Lil Jon had ‘Yeah’ and ‘Okay’.

DMX just used to growl and bark at his listeners.

…but even so they both worked out for them.

‘Swaggy’ sounds like a combination of sweaty and saggy and neither of those are words people want to think about when listening to your performances.

Try harder Justin.

Then you started getting in trouble with the law and all hell broke loose. You were speeding around residential neighborhoods, putting children’s lives at risk, and pissing off your neighbors.

Justin do you know how to be a neighbor? I live next to a sassy elderly woman who gives me vegetables from her garden to make soup. The other side is a house filled with teenage drug dealers, but they leave me alone and only contact me to notify me that there is a chicken loose in my back yard and they are dispatching search and rescue teams.

20140131-071308.jpg

They’re not jerks though. They’re nice people. It’s something you need to work on.

But recently you’ve become a monster. DUI? Drugs?

Your drinking the syzzurp Justin?

Do you know who drinks the syzzurp Justin…?

…Lil’ Wayne…

Do you know who takes him seriously Justin?

Nobody.

Nobody takes Lil’ Wayne seriously.

Everything you’re doing is super negligent and irresponsible. I even read that you called a young fan a ‘beached whale’. Have you seen ‘Blackfish’?! Whales have enough problems to deal with, without having to worry about you using their name to cut a young girl down and make her feel like garbage.

You’ve become hardened Justin, and today I read that you were arrested in Toronto for an assault on a limo driver.

What did he do Justin?

Did he make a wrong turn?
Did you arrive late to an event you were going to bitch about being noticed at anyway?
Did he not chill the bottle of Crystal you aren’t even legally able to drink yet?

…did he call you out on your bullshit?

I’m not a hater JB, but right now you need some tough love.

What you need is a game plan to get back to where you were a few years ago. Here’s what I’ve come up with for you:

1. Deal with all your legal hooplah. It shouldn’t be a long or hard process, you have a lot of money, and your pretty face wouldn’t last a night in jail without getting passed around more than a football in an NFL game. No judge is going to put that tight little…

… complexion of yours in danger.

2. Let your hair grow out a little. Like, a medium length. Or shave it. You need to find out who your true friends are, and there is no better way to learn that than by fucking with one of the main reasons your famous.

3. Stop putting out songs with terrible artists.

(Not you BIG SEAN, ‘Dance A$$’ is an anthem for me)

Sean Kingston? Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-Lover? Really?

Also, I’m not sure what you were thinking, but I’m pretty sure I speak for the rest of the world when I point out that collaborating on a song with Chris Brown about love and what a woman means to you kind of speaks for itself nowadays…

From now on do it on your own or only pick from this list:

Trey Songz
Ne-Yo
Ariana Grande
Jordin Sparks
Willie Nelson
Maroon 5
Outkast
Britney Spears

Remember, you want to stay relevant. I know it’s in the works but really, cancel your collab with Limp Bizkit.

Classy. As. Fuck.

4. Dress like a good person. You wanna know who is relevant in the minds located in women’s pants?

Understand?

5. Stop breaking the law.

Don’t drive like an asshole, we have enough non celebrity humans in the world to do that. Obey traffic laws, and don’t be a shit head behind the wheel.

Drugs are dumb, but weed will be legal in like two years anyway prob so can’t you just wait instead of going on blunt cruises and bong-rip road-trips?

Stop spitting on, yelling at, insulting or laying hands on…well anyone. It’s not becoming and you look like a super huge douchebag. There are a lot of normal people out here that can handle stardom better than you are so use common sense and stop being so mean all the time dude.

Finally…

6. Stop making movies about your life to stardom. If people want to see you perform they’ll buy a ticket to your show. If they want to see pre-fame Bieber, it’s on YouTube. There are so many other celebrities the world would prefer to know the history of, so pump the breaks and stick to walk on roles in like really terrible parody movies.

That’s what dying talent does nowadays.

Okay? Do you understand Justin?

Please, on behalf of the world, and your fan base alike…

Stop being shitty.

Fondly but realistically, your probably number 678 fan,

Alex

P.S. Start writing your own songs. ‘Beauty an the Beat’ is horse shit and for you to be able to party like it’s 3012, you want to party like you’re dead. Is basic math man.

Also Nicki Minaj is obnoxious. Common sense bud.

Standard

An Open Letter Re: First date with my future wife.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Well I did it!

I have been spending a lot of time on the internet meeting some really cool people through all the dating sites I signed up for. The world is such an interesting place filled with decent human beings absolutely looking for legitimate bonds with others!

Let me lay the scene out for you:

This past friday evening, I was out and about chatting up the local Starbucks barista over what I think was my fourteenth cup of coffee for the day…

…though I can’t really remember because I lost my sense of smell somewhere around cup twelve and got genuinely concerned…but I am now able to see into the near and not too distant future so as far as I am concerned I came out of that predicament on top!

Anyway! I was waiting for a meet up with my small bundle of friends for a birthday dinner when out of nowhere my phone was uncontrollably spasming in my pocket. I was in the middle of a really uplifting Alicia Keyes ballad in the corner of the store when it went off…

…and caused the melody to cease and buffer.

Needless to say it took every ounce of strength in me to not smash the phone for leaving me high and dry on the high note when it cut the song off. It’s really hard to stay on pitch when the generic alert sounds of the iPhone go off.

Well even though I stopped seeing colors at cup of coffee number 7, I was able to make out what popped up as a message from OkCupid.

20140127-225446.jpg

Guys…someone wanted to meet me!

It was really inspiring, they basically told me flat out that we were going to be dating for a really long time, which by not having even met me, I knew was a good sign. The discussion progressed as follows…give or take:

20140127-225456.jpg

I knew that because this was my first attempt at true love with a human being, I had to knock it out of the park:

20140127-231544.jpg

Nailed it!

She pressed on with some interesting details about herself:

20140127-225512.jpg

She seemed really normal and said some really flattering things about the way I texted to me as well…and it was clear I was irresistable:

20140127-225530.jpg

And after that…I responded with the only logical question I could:

20140127-225545.jpg

Perfect.

We talked a bit more before I headed out and she made sure to touch base on all the important questions still left to ask…

  • What is your bank account number?
  • What is your Social Security ID?
  • What is your Mother’s maiden name?
  • Could you direct me to the spare key hidden behind the fourth bush from the left in your back yard, just off to the right beyond the back patio?

…all of which I answered eagerly as I knew this was going to work out and it just made sense to cut to the chase!

Anyway this female…

…what was her name again…

…whatever, thats just an extraneous detail, I’ll make sure I find out again on our second date…but for now I’ll call her Selena Gomez…

…well she basically told me I was everything she was looking for in a man. I was initially confused because I am pretty sure my profile reads like that ‘Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day’ book you used to read me as a kid.

Speaking of which…good choice reading me a book that was about how miserable life is for a kid that had the same name as me…I feel like it was really influential in the man I grew up to be. We couldn’t have gone with something uplifting like ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ or ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, because then I probably would have had a much brighter outlook on life, and THEN where would we be?!

Well we basically made out via text message for about a half hour as my caffienated fingers typed every word that popped into my head before I had time to think how terribly they may come across to a complete stranger.

My flirtation skills were so smooth there is a chance she may be pregnant from the conversation we had, I am like 80% sure she isn’t, but it’s okay if she is because I am absolutely prepared for that responsibility in life and by the time I need to take a kid anywhere I should be able to drive again!

Well she asked me what I was doing with the rest of my weekend eventually and I told her verbatim:

“I have standing plans from monday to order a large cheese pizza, throw on a pair of footie pajamas and make my way through the entire first season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ on Netflix.”

She told me immediately to cancel and we firmed up plans to meet up in the real life.

IN THE REAL LIFE MOM AND DAD!

Well I knew that my relationship with Netflix was solid enough to reschedule for a later date, so I took her up on it.

Netflix always understands.

I knew this was a big moment for me and that I had to absolutely pick something perfect for a first date.

Well I answered her back and I made it as convenient as possible and I think I knocked it out of the park.

“What are you doing at 7 A.M. tomorrow?!”

BOOM!

Of course no one would have anything planned that early on a saturday so it would be perfect and I was certain she wouldn’t have any plans already!

I told her to meet me at the one place I knew I couldn’t go wrong.

Also that it was within walking distance…

The Wolf Rd. Diner.

I know. I know. How am I still single right?

Well, I went to the birthday dinner and I just couldn’t get over the excitement of what was coming the next morning! I hardly slept and when I did wake in the morning, I rubbed the Prada Bags under my eyes, threw some hairspray in my untamed and refined glob of hair atop my head, and embraced my puffiest winter gear to brave the sub zero temperatures.

The sun wasn’t even up so I knew we were off to a good start…she was really going to value the fact that I made plans early enough for her to still have the rest of the day to dwell fondly over how awesome the date went!

I got there forty minutes early and had plenty of time to drink three cups of coffee while I prepared for meeting my future wife.

I pulled out my composition notebook that I had been documenting all of my tips and tricks I learned while watching rom-coms and Ryan Gosling films for research, and I buckled down on my memorization skills. I perfected all the lines I was going to use:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“It’s always been you.”

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”

Then she walked in!

Mom…Dad…we are going to make you beautiful grandkids…

In fact, despite my studying tactics, that was the line I lead off with when I met her. She seemed really happy…her eyes got really wide and she started looking around to make sure everyone else had heard how romantic I was being…

She asked me how often I meet up with people from the internet after we sat down, and I kindly explained that whole time I jetted off to Mexico with what turned out to be a drug kingpin and his wife. That was the last time that I agreed to ever get involved in a devil’s three-way without genuinely making sure there was no ulterior motive after they tied me up in the rented motel room we agreed to meet up in.

She had pancakes and I made sure to order something light, so I got bacon strips tossed with a lot of onions, because they are mostly water or something…I dunno, I read it on the internet somewhere. I could tell she regretted her decision the minute the food came because she had to plug her nose to keep from ingesting the fumes from my meal…

…it was evident she couldn’t smell it or she was going to need to call the waitress back to change her order to what I got.

Well anyway we talked about many topics over the course of the twenty minute date before she had to leave because her uncle’s twice removed cousin was in the hospital for accidently ingesting too much elbow grease…

…which she explained is toxic if swallowed.

Long story short, she was feeling the date so much that she was on her phone the entire time, telling all of her friends about how great it was going I assume.

She only asked me if I was sure that I was not gay once, which is really good considering how often they usually ask!

Selena was a little quiet, which is ok because it’s something we can work on…

…come to think of it she didn’t really talk about herself a lot at all, so I talked about me the entire time, and I even made sure to fill in the awkward silences where it looked like she was about to speak, just so she felt appreciated and not at all like I expected her to reach out past her comfort zone.

And don’t worry about the awkward ‘Who is gonna pay” tango at the end. I know how first dates work! The woman always pays because the guy will always be paying for things during the rest of the relationship.

I gave her the ol’ “you got this?” line.

Anyway I killed the date and I told Selena I couldn’t wait to start doing this on a regular basis. She shook my hand…

…taking things slowly…

…and sprinted out the door with excitement and peeled out of the parking lot leaving me feeling great about the experience as a whole.

Well she was speechless, I obviously killed the curve as far as online dating goes because I didn’t hear from her for an entire day even though I was texting her frequently!

But I heard back from her yesterday and it was better than I could have expected:

20140127-115215.jpg

She got her days mixed up because that ‘someone’ she met was actually me…she was playing it coy…but you can see how eager she was to get back to me about hanging out again. She even wants to bring her friend into the mix!

I’ll let you know when I pop the question mom and dad.

Love(but not too much because I have to save some for my future wife),

Alex

Standard

Help! I’m single : An open letter to Bruno Mars.

Dear Mr. Mars,

First and foremost, I would like to say how unbelievably talented you are. I don’t know how you do it but you are just bursting with an essence that should make all men question their sexuality as well as purpose on earth, and bring all (hetero… Nah fuck it, all of them) women to a place in life where they experience shortness of breath.

If I were forced…

…I mean really forced to pinpoint the center of your certain je ne sei qua, like gun to my head from some mad man that very clearly has his priorities in life screwed up being like, “I am absolutely going to shoot you in the face unless you tell me exactly where Bruno Mars’ excellence derives from. I am not even fucking joking, pal!”, I would probably have to say it’s your voice.

Then I would probably have to call the police.

But let me be real for a second, as a heterosexual male, I’m gonna be dead honest and say solely based on your voice alone, I’d probably let you take me on several dates and treat me like the most special person in your life, ultimately resulting in a quick and hasty celebrity marriage and an untimely and quick divorce, lit up and fueled by gossip sites and other loud-mouth celebs.

We all know Usher is a fucking gossip queen.

He’s jealous of what we have. Shhh baby. Don’t speak, we’ll be fine.

Obviously telling you how great your voice is can’t be the reason I’m writing you, I mean is it ever? Illicit image blackmail? Long lost child seeking support off your millions? No B, alas I too seek something from you, but nothing as crass or insensitive.

I just seek your advice!

You see I’ve been bumping ‘Hooligans’ and ‘Unorthodox Jukebox’ a lot lately and I have begun taking notes and asking a lot of questions based off your songs. I mean it really seems like you have your shit together after that little white powder incident, so what better time than now, the new year to seek your advice?

Look, I’m practical which is why I’m writing and not showing up at the front gate to your exceptionally beautiful home. (Though while were on the subject, the painting you chose for above your bed is a bit tacky, I mean I could barely see it from the tree outside, but if you say it goes with the rest of the room, then I guess it must)

So with your surplus of sex-appeal it would be greatly appreciated if you can answer some of the following questions and confirm what I have learned from an in depth analysis of advice you’ve clearly laced into your pop hits for me to help land my dream girl…

…or at least a one night stand that doesn’t resemble Charlize Theron’s portrayal of Aileen Wuornos.

I gotta get back on my a game here:

Treasure:

I got a little out of my league taking notes on this one. First you tell this one of a kind babe that she’s treasure, which I assume is good because that means she’s a gem, or a plethora of currency?

But then I get confused, because you ask her to make your dreams come true by letting you treasure her…which seems to imply that you don’t actually know this woman personally, and if you do she very clearly isn’t letting you dote on her like you and I both know she is supposed to be doing. Should I be approaching women I’ve never met before and telling them how valuable they are to me? Is this the key?

It’s clever…using the word treasure twice, to both express a verb you would like to implement into a person to person relationship, as well as to use it as a noun to express flattery toward a woman. Perhaps, we can switch the noun to another more specific valuable to avoid sounding overbearing and redundant. I came up with these ideas:

•a Franklin
•savings bonds
•Sacajawea dollar
•grandmas crystal teardrop lamps
•Apple stock

Marry You:

This one was way easy for me to comprehend. I’ve been planning my wedding since I was like 15, B. So I totally get the whole ‘Lets rush into this full steam ahead with no care or thought’ feeling you speak of.

First though, you say you’re looking for something dumb to do on this beautiful night. Is this the secret to happiness with a woman Bruno? It makes sense…because when I use key words like ‘love’ or ‘forever’ or ‘I’ve thought about it for a while and I could see myself with you’, girls get all antsy and it usually doesn’t work out.

All the gays make such a stink about how the sanctity of marriage is a joke and it’s not even remotely fair that they aren’t granted the same rights as hetero-couples…but fuck them right? Marriage is something to do in our downtime!

Just to clarify, when I am pursuading this girl to refrain from saying:

‘No, no, no-no-no’

I should emphasize that she just say:

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah’

And also ply her with shots of tequila?
This sounds fishy but whatever gets me to the altar, B.

P.s. Should I be serving ‘Dancing Juice’ at the wedding or inviting a lot of ‘Dancing Jews’? I just want the special day to be perfect and your enunciation is a smidge muddled in the chorus.

It will rain:

Tell women that their absence brings about the shittiest of weather…

…ahem…

‘When you’re busy and don’t involve me in your plans, you cause things like hurricanes and rack up exponential damages in monetary terms.’

Check.

Locked out of Heaven:

This one didn’t really help me much. I’m not a very religious person to begin with so I don’t really know what being locked out of heaven feels like, but I’m guessing not good.

If so why would you tell a woman she makes you feel that way? Unless this is one of those reverse psychology things? Is this song essentially the key to dealing with how to interact with females?

I mean as a guy you do tend to see women walking around with guys that say the meanest shit to them and treat them kinda poorly, but somehow they get to spend their time together as a couple. I guess you just kind of assume that there are women out there that are looking for nice guys. But there really aren’t? Are there?

‘Be a dick.’

Check.

Young Girls:

Waste a lot of time on underage women that will ultimately wear you down and kill you.

Got it. Check. We are killing this, B.

Runaway Baby:

Preface any and all hang outs with new women by insisting they get as far the fuck away from me as possible and if they don’t, make more demands of what they should be saying in response to you yet again.

Jesus, I have been approaching love all wrong.

I am glad were going over this, B.

Just The Way You Are:

You threw me again on this one, B. You keep telling this girl all these thing that should be flattering, but she won’t listen or doesn’t believe you?

It sounds like you’re saying to be really nice to women even though the end result is going to be comparable to popping a Viagra and running belt-buckle first into a brick wall.

Unless…

…since women don’t believe us…

…is the message to…

Lie to women?

Oh, thank god we are going over this, I really would be in trouble out there on my own.

Also, focus a lot on the girl’s face? The body not so much?

Check.

Grenade:

B. You lost me.

All this talk of lying, alpha male tactics and a demanding no-shit-taking attitude, and then you tell me I’m supposed to risk death for women that treat me like nothing I have or do is good enough?

That sounds more like what I already do to entice women…and that hasn’t worked…

…and like pain and physically violent situations are really unappealing to me, so like, blowing my arms off or fending off a knife wielding attacker with my bare hands are things I think I truly may not want in my life.

Awkward artie photo 1431hd2.gifI did come up with a few alternatives that I would be willing to (although I’m still not fond of) compromise on and implement in my expression of devotion to a woman:

•I’d hit a speed bag pretty aggressively for you

•I’d really let the waiter have it verbally for not bringing more cheddar bay biscuits for you

•I’d suffer a substantial paper cut, but not from anything thicker than Manila folders, for you

•I’d let a sizably smaller man than me punch me in the shoulder ONCE for you

•I’d absolutely take a bullet, but only under the circumstances that it’s a clean through-and-through located near no vital organs and the situation leads to a lawsuit allowing me to live comfortably through the rest of my days on earth, for you

As long as none of those stand out as not good enough to you B, I don’t think we have to spend anymore time with this song.

Gorilla:

I saved the most important one for last. Since this song is about making the sex, I figured all the wooing should be dealt with ahead of this.

You know, I always wondered why my bedroom game wasn’t up to par with all my other guy friends. Like…as you know, us males actively spend our sleep-overs discussing our tactics and technique and never for one minute did I gather that I may have been doing something wrong.

Just please confirm if you will, that the three steps below are how the sex actually works? I’m not doubting you, B, you know exactly what you’re doing.

First: preface the sex by drinking a lot and do cocaine?

Second: be super aggressive, loud, cause a scene, have the police show up, have a…SWAT team show up?

Oh hell no Pushing Daisies photo ohhellnopd.gif

Third (and most important): make sure we are “fucking like gorillas”?

Check, checkity, check-check.

Awesome! I’m really glad I got this all down, I think I’m really on the way to seeing a change in my dating life. Thanks again for throwing all those sub-textual pieces of advice in your songs for me and only me. I just knew we were meant to be friends.

I look forward to your response and confirmation to all my questions, but in the meantime, I think I’m gonna go try a few of these new tactics out!

Cheers!

Love,

Alex

Standard

Most Things are Garbage.

Something you need to know if you’re reading this. Don’t take it to heart.

Like any of it. Seriously.

‘Most things are garbage’ is not my outlook on life, it’s humor. It’s just one of those things to say rather than letting life get to me and letting out that inevitable and undeniably guttural sigh of exhaustion in life. Kinda like saying:

‘Why is this my life?!’

or

‘Why does my iPhone know to auto-correct Kardashian?’

or

‘Why does Honey-Boo-Boo get to be famous and I get this 03′ Civic with one working speaker?’

This blog is what I have decided to use as a means to take a humorous outlook on myself and life this year, instead of in a private blog format that I keep to myself or a limited audience. My mother informed me (and multiple sources confirm below) that my self-deprecating ramblings don’t always come across as joking or humorous, and asked me to start being more positive! So I figured this would be the easiest way to go about resolving the issue. It’s nothing you’re forced to read and honestly, the decision is yours. Basically this is a means for me to poke fun and enjoy life by writing about it the way I write about things.

So, ya know…if you enjoy giggles, lolz, or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays and you can handle it being laced with heavy sarcastic undertones and wit, then stick around and maybe you’ll enjoy it!

2013 to me was what can only be described as the one of the most off-years this far into my life. It was literally doomed from the start and my mind was in a very negative place not suited to handle life choices, simple or difficult. I made errors, I course corrected, and here we are.

It’s a new year. It’s a time to ask the age old important question.

No, not what are my New Years resolutions. Don’t be stupid. There’s like a billion other questions you could ask that are more important than that. Like:

  • Why is Duck Dynasty still a thing?
  • At what exact moment in life does snow go from being fun to obnoxious?
  • Why am I still not Justin Bieber?
  • Do the green M&Ms really…ya know…make you…ya know?

See? All more important.

But in this case I’m talking the most self reflecting thing one could truly ask themselves, and then spend years searching for the answer to:

Who am I?

20140108-065238.jpg

Got it.

Lets pause to touch base with the at-home readers. Here’s a simplified little blurb on who I am IMO (in my opinion, for those playing the home game) at the age of 25 in bullet form (AKA practice for my dating profile-Don’t worry mom, I am being safe about it this time):

20140107-213928.jpg

•5’9″ 153 lbs.
•Homeowner
•Father to an anxiety ridden Dachshund and a Tuxedo cat with an affinity for bathrooms.
•Single
•Fully Employed by the State of New York with full benefits
•Non-drinker, occasional cigar smoker, and semi-healthy individual but not an exercise freak, I get along really well with food that’s shitty for me – kindred spirits I guess
•Good friend
•Caring
•At a defining BUT temporary impasse in life

Now, skeptical readers will probably read this and say, “Nice bio Mr. High-and-mighty…no flaws!”

Look, I’d take the time to point out the bajillion I have myself, but I’m really into this bag of Milano cookies on my lap and it requires all my attention right now, and because I know it’s important in all of this, my lazy-ass reached out to the masses and gathered a vast spectrum of blurbs about myself. So let’s take a look at the stats:

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT!

EVERYONE TELL ME BRUTALLY AND HONESTLY WHAT YOU THINK OF ME AS A PERSON!

The ‘probably going to be positively skewed Motherly’ opinion:

You are a very empathetic, sympathetic honestly caring individual. You are so very talented in so many ways. But you can also show on occasion a wicked anger that comes up strong and fast.

You are kind sometimes to a fault. You love with your whole heart!

Thanks Mom. Leave out the part about my fresh cut grass fetish and sub-par grade point average. By the way I just mailed your Birthday card…I’ll try to be more on time this January. Wait…shit…

The ‘”I’m not sure I met my monthly guy talk quota”-fatherly’ opinion:

Naive, normal and too intelligent for your own good sometimes. Faithful, caring, lonesome and without a doubt still in search of the meaning of life….you never find it until that moment of clarity. The “oh, now I get it” moment.

I will overlook the fact that you inserted lonesome after two nice things to soften the sting, but I’ll remember it in the future…probably when you’re old and balding…so like, you have negative five years to take that back.

The ‘male species I call a bestie’ opinion (Aka The ‘We’ve basically been in love for like seven really good months’ opinion):

Well now…ummmm. You’re one of my closest friends which speaks volumes because I don’t get close to people. You’re funny, smart, and great at getting people to come together and WANT to come together which makes our group of friends stronger because of you.

I make people want to do WHAT…?

You make missteps in life and aren’t the best at making solid relationship choices which is derived from an excessive (and unnecessary) amount of self doubt which you attempt to mask with humor.

But you’re always forcing yourself to be better in spite of your short comings which is all that really matters. You do everything you can to make sure that life doesn’t pass you by in spite of circumstances that are temporarily restricting you. That’s the best I can do off the top of my head. OH WAIT….you have fantastic hair. How could I forget about your fantastic hair? I’m jealous of your hair.

Naturally.

The ‘Female bestie that has your back’ option:

You are a strong and beautiful individual. You are talented and creative and it comes from a very honest and raw place. You are a good friend, supportive and loving. You are brave for making life changing choices and a role model for people who want to make changes in their life.

 photo sad5.gif

The ‘Female bestie who is marrying your male bestie so she better be nice or heads will roll’ option:

You’re one of the funniest people I have ever met. You even have this ability to crack a joke at the most inappropriate times and still make people smile. You’re a bleeding heart, which makes for a wonderful friend, and a vulnerable boyfriend. Your hobbies and fixations run your life- object, idea or human. You seem to change things about who you are to better suit the needs of others, unusually making yourself unhappy.

You are always willing to help a friend, family member, or anyone who needs you, but you also seem to get wrapped up in your own world sometimes, leaving everyone else behind. You often ask for advice, but rarely follow it.

You refuse to admit things to other people until you admit them to yourself. You’re incredibly creative and talented. You’re one of my best and closest friends.

The ‘Asian best friend we sometimes rip on a lot and probably the reason I got this response’ opinion:

2:42 PM: Doormat.

4:44 PM: Did you seriously want a paragraph or was that a friend test. Cuz I think I failed

Yeah, you know, paragraphs…those one word things. You nailed it buddy.

The ‘One of many mom’s that isn’t actually my mom that I hang out with because they’re awesome and I’m…well, me’ opinion:

Alex Foster is someone I have known for two years now. He is a kind, fun, and quirky guy. He is someone who will give you the shirt off their back to help you and someone who will be a lifelong friend. Is he perfect…?

No.

But who is. He has made mistakes in life but has quickly learned and made changes to help make himself a better person.

The ‘Second of many mom’s that isn’t actually my mom that I hang out with because…Ok, listen I really get along well with moms’ opinion:

So, my theme for Alex Foster. I believe Alex to be an honest friend. I think he is caring & open. There are times, though, that I’d like to slap him for being unhappy in his skin. He needs to realize that he is only 26…

(or is it 25?)

…years old, and having a great paying job and owning his own home is a great place to be in his life for now. FOR NOW! Planning to spread his wings in five years and being satisfied learning & earning right now is the best advise I’d give to him. I also think he can be way too hard on himself & needs to laugh more. At times, he seems like the class clown…

…laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

I love him dearly, but it would be great if he could learn to ask for help when he needs it, and accept help when it’s offered!! I would trust Alex with any secret I’d tell him.

Shucks.

The ‘I worked in a pizza parlor with this girl over the course of four months in the summer and she was very cool and nice but super skeptical of me asking her for her opinion of me but based on time known you should all hold this one to the highest regard that was sarcasm just FYI’ opinion:

You are an amazing intellectual creative person who is a hard worker.. you are a great person to have as a friend .. you are witty and always make me laugh even when you or I are having a bad day u do t let your bad mood effect others … any person is lucky to call you a friend

 photo Oh-yeah-nod-COLFER.gif

Preach girl. Preach.

The ‘Ex that started off 2013 with a bang that I don’t really talk to anymore but, really? This is what you think?’ Opinion:

Alex Foster. Kind, loving, eager to please; often to a fault. Energetic, yet somehow, also lethargic.

20140108-063702.jpg

Broken stove? Whatever, no issue; let him grab the soldering iron out of his clown car, he’ll fix that right up for you. No project is too much…until he gets 1/3 of the way through…But seriously. Whatever he doesn’t know how to do, he’ll figure it out along the way. Full of surprises, he doesn’t know who he’ll be this morning any more than you do, literally.

20140108-064906.jpg

I’m serious. He’s a delightfully frustrating combination of 13 year old boy and 75 year old man.

20140108-065059.jpg

The ‘Ex I was friends with, then dating, then sobbing over-into melted ice cream-that I still talk to’ opinion:

Okay I think you are a great person. You are kind and you are considerate; and you are creative and you are fun. You are patient but you are eager.

You have the emotionality of a teenage girl.

I think you are insecure with who you are.

You seem to try really hard to be different. You can be contradictory; you say one thing but do another. But you have a true heart and a good heart and you are a very good person.

The ‘Eighth grade teacher that still keeps in touch even though she no longer lives in the state and has a child to deal with that isn’t me anymore’ opinion:

Alex is an artist. Whether working in theater, with music, photography or written word, the outcome is always thought provoking, emotional, often witty, and filled with raw talent. You can almost hear the gears turning in his head as project ideas constantly run through it.

Alex has never been afraid to face challenges, both within himself and in the outside world. He has a great sense of humor which he often uses to shape how he views the world and himself.

(I just wish he wouldn’t be so self-deprecating!)

Alex is a genuinely good person- kind to others, caring about friends and family, loyal to those who love him. I’m proud to know him and call him my friend.

I suddenly feel…smarter.

The ‘Girl I fooled around with a smidge a looooong time ago that periodically checks in to see what my life consists of, just so there’s no mystery within the gaps of silent years’ opinion:

Not a great listener, can be overly dramatic and stubborn.

You have a little bit of the victim complex going on sometimes.

On the flip side, when you have someone you’re interested in, you do devote a lot of time and energy into that relationship, you have a healthy level of sarcasm. I don’t know this is a lot of pressure.

______________

Well, that wasn’t awkward at all!

Well, I’m not here to defend myself against any of that malarkey. I didn’t reach out for a boost of confidence, though bonus! I appreciate the honesty and all the descriptions made are based off each one knowing me in some way shape or form in life so I take it all to heart as a nice form of constructive criticism. Honestly it’s super humbling in more ways than one and I am exceedingly grateful to have such wonderful people around me in life.

I’m sure if you stumble across this and you know me and you’ve met me you have your own opinions and I’m sure they’re unbelievably accurate…

Especially you, ‘girl that lived around the corner from me in high school for 10 years and still didn’t remember my name at graduation’

…and feel free to send them my way…by whatever means you want to…email, facebook, postal service…carrier pigeon?

So now! What I will do is take all of this in and begin to look at myself and at my life, practically, which in terms of me probably looks something like this:

That is where I stand at 25.

I am an uncomfortable and jumbled ball of different descriptions not held down or defined by one consistent theme because they all have different aspects.

It’s just as an individual should be right?

I guess I just get so caught up in trying to get a move on that I am missing the downtime of experiencing everything, the way most people are getting to that point where they just shut up, stop trying so hard, and just kind of let it be.

And then it gets better.

That’s the thing about this year though, I think it is going to need to be a little uncomfortable for me. It needs to be filled with trying to get to that point where I feel like I’m beating my best into submission by whatever means I need, baseball bat, fire, effeminate slapping…but it needs to just kinda happen on its own, while I don’t really try to figure it all out.

Honestly. I think this year is going to be good.

Nay.

Fabulous.

Standard