Dear Mom and Dad, general contractors and Honey Boo Boo,
I know, I know. You’re a little hurt that tinder didn’t work out for you. Those girls and guys truly don’t know what they’re missing, and that’s okay. Maybe next time don’t lead off with the fact that you enjoy spreading peanut butter on your body and walking down the street informing people that you’re nutty.
I’m not saying I’m an expert at this point.
No. I am.
But listen, as an expert in online dating I need you to understand what I had to go through to find someone compatible with me…
…and able to drive a car.
Briefly, to keep you up to date – these are some of the wonderful experiences I had on the Internet:
1. One of my first suggested conversations was with this luscious vixen of the interweb.
She was probably wonderful, but like you I didn’t give her a chance.
We could have had a lot in common for all I know
Maybe she enjoyed Beyonces XO album as much as me
Maybe she thoroughly enjoyed coating her foods in melted cheese.
Maybe her eyes were blue at one point.
Maybe a little cocoa butter applied to those facial scars nightly would relieve some of their visibility!
My point friends, is that there is someone for everyone out there.
You remember him right?
He’ll never find someone with that attitude.
Not even a one night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to get the sex online these days you guys?
There are so many deviants out there just lookin to throw any ol’ thing into any ol’ other thing!
Some people want to tie you up.
Some people want to have you as their love bride for an hour.
Some people want to peel your skin off while listening to the ‘Bodyguard’ soundtrack.
I told you about my one night stand from the Internet dating sites, right guys?
Eh, I’ll save it for another time, it’s a good story.
But let’s talk to Foo here a second…
Foo you like high maintenance women right? I met one that would be perfect for you…
…if you like blowing wads of cash for no reason and expect nothing but sadness in return.
2. She basically told me from the start she was a Russian Princess. She requested that I actually follow through on sending her a detailed report via email in Times New Roman and double spaced about why I am awesome. So I did. And we had conversed for what seemed like an entire day so I basically assumed we were together.
But then I began to notice a pattern in her Instagram photos that she demanded I stalk for an hour but not tell her about after the fact.
Dear god. The Brands.
That I couldn’t afford if I tried.
So I figured I’d indirectly bring it up in a very subtle manner by asking things like,
“Wow, how fucking important are brands to you!?!??”
Basically she said she liked to look nice but was totes comfortable kicking back in a nice pair of sweats from Hollister.
Have you ever called bullshit on a person you meet online Foo? Apparently they don’t like it. And what they hate even more is when you screen shot the evidence and send it to them as proof:
Anyway I tried maintaining niceties after that but then she basically decided I wasn’t worthy because she didn’t like some of my taste in foods:
Alas, I continue my journey forth…
Who the hell decided that it would be okay for me to get a pimple on my face while trying to meet people?
I have a perfect complexion, and when I break out…it generally results in me smearing foods on my face in an attempt to home remedy the shit out of that bad boy.
What it is good for though, aside from convincing women that Justin Timberlake is my half brother twice removed (I think we have a common uncle somewhere, somehow…I can’t remember the exact details ladies), is keeping me from going out in public very often.
Don’t be fucking silly, obviously I have to go to work…
Otherwise I can’t make money…
Which means I can’t buy coffee…
So you see the dilemma?
But it’s problematic because if you read my earlier entry about joining all these online dating sites, I was really excited to get out there and start throwing around my “magic wand” in a very Harry Potter-esque fashion.
(side note if you haven’t read Harry Potter those jokes won’t make sense to you, which renders them useless in this context…but to explain, I made two of the spells from the book sexual and its funny.[Side-side note: If you haven’t read Harry Potter, get the hell off this blog and go read Harry Potter…we’re not friends anymore until you do and I will straight up put my neighbors stray cat before you on a list of people I would go to bat for until you change the above circumstances])
When all is said and done though, I return home to slather a cucumber and pulled pork concoction atop the now twice popped pimple, to rid it of some of the swelling and fire engine red tint that it was screaming forth from my chin. I read somewhere that that is how you get rid of these things…by putting food on it, or something.
Now that I think of it, I may have just been contemplating what to do about this aforementioned zit while I was watching the food network. Now I cant remember…
but how good is pulled pork?
Also, I want to clarify that I am not a super huge bastard and I am not just using all of these legitimate people to poke fun at the world of online dating…It’s an actual place, this online world, and the people in it are genuinely looking for that special.
So sorry if this last one is offensive, but as the great John Mayer once said, “I am free, free falling.”
3. Guys listen. Don’t answer messages from people whose usernames are basically DearGodINeedAllTheCats69.
This one’s graphic but here’s a walk through…stop reading now if you’re squeamish, this girls mouth is an atrocity.
Obvs. But I get it you have to break the ice somehow.
This is where every normal woman in the world gets irritated and walks away. Right?
Right…normal I guess…
I’m sorry. To clarify, you want me to what now?
This is where I should have given up.
Do you see how the Internet is a scary place now guys?
Well I had a guys night before Kurt went back home and we all thought it would be awesome to try and speak only in song lyrics.
It makes a pretty good track listing, in case you need a new playlist.
That’s a fucked up thing to do: Vol. 1:
1. What’s Going On by Marvin Gaye
2. Chicken Noodle Soup by DJ Irrelevant
3. Jungle song by Katy Perry
4. That really happy song by Bob Marley
5. As Long as You Love me by that group that wasn’t NSYNC.
6. Just a Friend by that large guy that beat boxes.
7. That song where Alanis Morissette talks about blowing the guy from full house.
8. Pompeii by that band that won’t matter in a month
9. Apologize by One Redirection
10. YEAH by Usher and the screamy guy
11. Ignition (remix) by that pee guy
12. That nineties song by Sugar Ray
So that game is fun if you ever need to make a running playlist or something. Basically though it gets really hard and then you stop talking and periodically get creepy messages like this:
Well long story short is that it’s really hard to find people that just get you for you, like Kurt does…
So that’s basically where we are in life guys. And Foo…
Were still the same guy basically so I feel you.
Oh, except I met someone on two of the sites and I’ve been seeing her for a bit.
So were still the same except I’m not single anymore!
And don’t worry readers, I already told her she can expect me to put our sexcapades and interesting happenings on the Internet for all of you to read.
Until next time!
And remember Mom and Dad…Most Things are Garbage.
-not single anymore.