A Halloween Tale of HORROR: or how the food challenge went.

Dear Moms in their forties who think it’s their twenties,

Halloween is upon us, and we all know what that means!

Gorging our fat asses with candy while we binge watch ‘Once Upon a Time’ and telling ourselves that we’re gonna make it big someday, and life is gonna be worthwhile!

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But there is also the more forgotten gems that Halloween bring to the table, the often sought after horror stories to frighten us to the core.

So after you bring your children to complete strangers doorsteps in search of future sugar dependencies, return home and put them to sleep, and crack open that large bottle of Malbec you’ve been saving for all of today since you bought it last night, kick back and filter through your child’s pillowcase while you peruse the following tale of horror which I have written for you specially this holiday!

Also it rhymes!

The Tale of Insurmountable Intestinal Damage:

On a night much like this, not to far in the past,
a young man decided, to get off his ass

He’d been planning for days an event most unpleasant,
that allowed him to stand out, amongst all the peasants.

Scott Disick Quote (About big star, gif, lord disick, peasant, peasants)

‘I shall show them’, he said with his fist clenched above,
‘that I can achieve greatness when push comes to shove!’

But as days passed he pondered a thought ’twas most scary,
if he failed in his task, ‘twould not be legendary.

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His mind raced each night and his fears grew with time,
to let down all his peeps, a most horrible crime.

‘I need strength!’ this lad thought, as he woke to a new day,
‘So my friends will all know I’m as fierce as Beyoncé.’

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So he researched and read, as the time did grow near,
and he summoned a plan to which he would adhere.

He had done this before, but not quite as big,
a food challenge which he’d consume like a pig!

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‘I have watched Man v. Food and eaten before,
I’ll just walk in and beat it and walk out the door.’

For this challenge he figured could be done in a flash,
but a burger this big, it required some cash.
For the business must profit from the food that they lose,
whether in people’s bellies, or puked on their shoes.

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So he saved up enough for the burger to sit,
in his stomach obstructing a few days of shit.

And what did this contain, that made one a winner?
Well it might as well have been a Thanksgiving dinner.

And I don’t mean just one plate, or as much as you’re able,
We are talking the whole fucking Thanksgiving table.

Eating Contest

He had eaten one once, on vacation for fun,
a 30 ounce burger, including the bun.

He had beaten that burger, took it down in one sitting,
And was not a bit worried that he wouldn’t be shitting.

With his face on the wall and a milkshake that followed,
his win it was better than all that he’d swallowed.

But this one was bigger, this burger he’d try,
well he’d have to eat five pounds, and try not to cry.

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He readied his will and alerted the masses,
on an upcoming Friday they’d get off their asses.
They’d follow in glee just to watch him gain weight,
while he shoveled food sealing his fat-asses fate.

And where would he die should his heart stop its beat
Wagon Train Barbeque in ol’ Schenectady.

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He awoke to the day he’d be shoving his face,
and left his work early to prep for the race.

He posted his threats where the whole world could see,
On Instagram and all his friend’s Facebook feeds.

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He drank pots of coffee and a whole lot of water,
To stretch out his stomach for foods soaked in butter.
And two English muffins were all he’d consume,
But just hours before his impending food doom.

His girlfriend arrived after all day at work,
To drive him and watch him eat food like a jerk.

Alex McCord singing Les Miserables on Couples Therapy deserves a Tony.

One by one they arrived, his friends by his side,
To root and to cheer while he swallowed his pride

There was Matt and Melissa, Rachelle and Kurt too,
Hillary, Jon and Matt, a cool dude.

A girl from his high school with whom he’d not spoke,
sat by with her beau probably hoping he’d choke.

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The waitress arrived and their order she took,
though the challenge was prepping, they forwarned the cook.

A glimpse he had caught of the burger in back,
And he feared that he may have a real heart attack.

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Back to the table he sat with a thud,
Ready to become this mass eating chud.
The waitress came over arms growing quite wary,
He realized he just might be screwed, it was scary.

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He dove in ferocious and ready to eat,
and this burger though big was a most tasty treat.

That’s when it dawned on him starting this session,
That all he’d be earning here was a life lesson.

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A lesson that pulled pork and brisket would teach,
And Mac n cheese, cole slaw, eight ounces of each.
He’d plunder through bacon, two fried eggs and cheese,
Eight slices in all to bring him to his knees.
A one pound hamburger that’s really not bad,
But a bun that was huge, like the size of my dad!

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Deep fried jalapeños, onion straws just because
and he’d have to keep going, to prove what he was.
Two more pounds or so of fried onions and fries,
Enough to make normal men bleed from their eyes.
And all this concoction though balls hard to rhyme,
Must slide down his gullet in a half hours time.

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So he plowed through the proteins, and did it quite quick,
And that’s when he started to feel awfully sick.

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He rested and breathed while his time would diminish,
Melissa said out loud, ‘No way that he’ll finish.’

But he needed support not Melissa’s mean sass,
So he turned with his mouth full and said, ‘Kiss my ass!’

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The restaurant was hushed everybody in awe,
overwhelmed by all the consumption they saw.

And that’s when it happened, the mighty food wall,
when all of a sudden his will it did fall

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With nine minutes left, his strength it did waver,
but our subject he did everyone there a favor.

For the food it did rise, up his throat to the top,
And he surely would boot, if eating did not stop.

So the scariest part in this horrific tale,
is he threw in the towel, a huge epic fail.
But with 5.5 lbs he choked 4.3 down,
and the restaurant though sad, sort of gave him a crown.

Out of all those who lost, like one seventy-five
he’d finished the most, and he walked out alive.

On the ride home he farted, his left arm went numb,
and that’s when he realized his food quest was dumb.

So in no more food challenges would our hero partake,
and he washed down his heart attack, with a thick ass milk shake.

Happy Halloween y’all!

And in case you’re impatient and scrolled ahead, here is a video of me reading it in loungewear with a pipe:

Still breathing but the left side of my face is drooping for some reason,

Me.

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Losing my online dating virginity.

Dear Mom and Dad, general contractors and Honey Boo Boo,

I know, I know. You’re a little hurt that tinder didn’t work out for you. Those girls and guys truly don’t know what they’re missing, and that’s okay. Maybe next time don’t lead off with the fact that you enjoy spreading peanut butter on your body and walking down the street informing people that you’re nutty.

I’m not saying I’m an expert at this point.

No. I am.

But listen, as an expert in online dating I need you to understand what I had to go through to find someone compatible with me…

…and able to drive a car.

Briefly, to keep you up to date – these are some of the wonderful experiences I had on the Internet:

1. One of my first suggested conversations was with this luscious vixen of the interweb.

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She was probably wonderful, but like you I didn’t give her a chance.

We could have had a lot in common for all I know

Maybe she enjoyed Beyonces XO album as much as me

Maybe she thoroughly enjoyed coating her foods in melted cheese.

Maybe her eyes were blue at one point.

Maybe a little cocoa butter applied to those facial scars nightly would relieve some of their visibility!

My point friends, is that there is someone for everyone out there.

 Except Robbie.

You remember him right?

He’ll never find someone with that attitude.

Not even a one night stand.

Do you know how hard it is to get the sex online these days you guys?

There are so many deviants out there just lookin to throw any ol’ thing into any ol’ other thing!

Some people want to tie you up.

Some people want to have you as their love bride for an hour.

Some people want to peel your skin off while listening to the ‘Bodyguard’ soundtrack.

I told you about my one night stand from the Internet dating sites, right guys?

No?

Eh, I’ll save it for another time, it’s a good story.

But let’s talk to Foo here a second…

Foo you like high maintenance women right? I met one that would be perfect for you…

…if you like blowing wads of cash for no reason and expect nothing but sadness in return.

2. She basically told me from the start she was a Russian Princess. She requested that I actually follow through on sending her a detailed report via email in Times New Roman and double spaced about why I am awesome. So I did. And we had conversed for what seemed like an entire day so I basically assumed we were together.

But then I began to notice a pattern in her Instagram photos that she demanded I stalk for an hour but not tell her about after the fact.

Burberry.
bebe.
Coach.

Dear god. The Brands.

That I couldn’t afford if I tried.

So I figured I’d indirectly bring it up in a very subtle manner by asking things like,

“Wow, how fucking important are brands to you!?!??”

Basically she said she liked to look nice but was totes comfortable kicking back in a nice pair of sweats from Hollister.

Have you ever called bullshit on a person you meet online Foo? Apparently they don’t like it. And what they hate even more is when you screen shot the evidence and send it to them as proof:

Exhibit A.

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Exhibit 2.

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Exhibit d.

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Anyway I tried maintaining niceties after that but then she basically decided I wasn’t worthy because she didn’t like some of my taste in foods:

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Alas, I continue my journey forth…

When…

Who the hell decided that it would be okay for me to get a pimple on my face while trying to meet people?

I have a perfect complexion, and when I break out…it generally results in me smearing foods on my face in an attempt to home remedy the shit out of that bad boy.

What it is good for though, aside from convincing women that Justin Timberlake is my half brother twice removed (I think we have a common uncle somewhere, somehow…I can’t remember the exact details ladies), is keeping me from going out in public very often.

Don’t be fucking silly, obviously I have to go to work…

Otherwise I can’t make money…

Which means I can’t buy coffee…

So you see the dilemma?

 But it’s problematic because if you read my earlier entry about joining all these online dating sites, I was really excited to get out there and start throwing around my “magic wand” in a very Harry Potter-esque fashion.

Avada-ka-diddle!

Wing-hardium levi-OH-sa!

(side note if you haven’t read Harry Potter those jokes won’t make sense to you, which renders them useless in this context…but to explain, I made two of the spells from the book sexual and its funny.[Side-side note: If you haven’t read Harry Potter, get the hell off this blog and go read Harry Potter…we’re not friends anymore until you do and I will straight up put my neighbors stray cat before you on a list of people I would go to bat for until you change the above circumstances])

When all is said and done though, I return home to slather a cucumber and pulled pork concoction atop the now twice popped pimple, to rid it of some of the swelling and fire engine red tint that it was screaming forth from my chin. I read somewhere that that is how you get rid of these things…by putting food on it, or something.

Now that I think of it, I may have just been contemplating what to do about this aforementioned zit while I was watching the food network. Now I cant remember…

but how good is pulled pork?

Also, I want to clarify that I am not a super huge bastard and I am not just using all of these legitimate people to poke fun at the world of online dating…It’s an actual place, this online world, and the people in it are genuinely looking for that special.

So sorry if this last one is offensive, but as the great John Mayer once said, “I am free, free falling.”

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3. Guys listen. Don’t answer messages from people whose usernames are basically DearGodINeedAllTheCats69.

This one’s graphic but here’s a walk through…stop reading now if you’re squeamish, this girls mouth is an atrocity.

 

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Obvs. But I get it you have to break the ice somehow.

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This is where every normal woman in the world gets irritated and walks away. Right?

Right?

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Right…normal I guess…

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I’m sorry. To clarify, you want me to what now?

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This is where I should have given up.

Probably.

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Do you see how the Internet is a scary place now guys?

Well I had a guys night before Kurt went back home and we all thought it would be awesome to try and speak only in song lyrics.

It makes a pretty good track listing, in case you need a new playlist.

ALEXFOSTER’SBRAINPRESENTS:

That’s a fucked up thing to do: Vol. 1:

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1. What’s Going On by Marvin Gaye
2. Chicken Noodle Soup by DJ Irrelevant

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3. Jungle song by Katy Perry
4. That really happy song by Bob Marley

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5. As Long as You Love me by that group that wasn’t NSYNC.

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6. Just a Friend by that large guy that beat boxes.
7. That song where Alanis Morissette talks about blowing the guy from full house.

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8. Pompeii by that band that won’t matter in a month
9. Apologize by One Redirection

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10. YEAH by Usher and the screamy guy
11. Ignition (remix) by that pee guy

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12. That nineties song by Sugar Ray

So that game is fun if you ever need to make a running playlist or something. Basically though it gets really hard and then you stop talking and periodically get creepy messages like this:

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Well long story short is that it’s really hard to find people that just get you for you, like Kurt does…

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So that’s basically where we are in life guys. And Foo…

Were still the same guy basically so I feel you.

Oh, except I met someone on two of the sites and I’ve been seeing her for a bit.

So were still the same except I’m not single anymore!

Or Asian!

And don’t worry readers, I already told her she can expect me to put our sexcapades and interesting happenings on the Internet for all of you to read.

Until next time!

And remember Mom and Dad…Most Things are Garbage.

-not single anymore.

 

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