I’m still not sure why my dad read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.

Dear anyone who was a dick on April Fools Day, John Legend, and parents confused about what makes a good gift for a child’s birthday:

We are back!

Writing hiatuses are always tough, because for some reason or another you just lose that drive to have something to write about. You want to write and you start, and then you end up with five entries saved in your draft queue that you never follow through on.

Fortunately, all at once almost at the exact same time, all these great things come rushing in at once and you’re overwhelmed and you’re confused and you just think, quick write it down or you’re never going to be famous and you’ll never be able to go back to your twenty year high school reunion and rub it in the faces of everyone who became a doctor or a lawyer.

But realistically what actually happened here is I got lazy. And then the holidays happen and I suffer from a really nasty case of seasonal affective disorder or SAD which is absolutely appropriate. A lot happened in four months, and I will absolutely get around to an update on life soon, but that’s not what today is about.

Today is about addressing something for the guys out there. Because it was a huge success in theaters and all your girlfriends lost their shit when it came out, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ swept the world off its feet and made everyone consider their comfort levels in the bedroom, but for one reason or another you didn’t get around to seeing it.

And that is why this blog exists. Because you as a gender (males) need to know what happens in this film, and why your girlfriend needed to see it. And because MY girlfriend wouldn’t fucking drop it, we downloaded it illegally and watched it together so I could find out exactly how great this work of art ended up being such a huge part of pop-fucking-culture. 

And this is all off the cuff, so as you read it, you are legitimately seeing the movie as it goes along. But through my eyes. Which lets be honest, is the only way you should ever watch a film.

And so:

Fifty Shades of Grey : a comprehensive play by play breakdown of one of the most confusingly pointless films ever made from a book I’m still confused about why my father ever read.

  • So the movie opens on overcast city scape and what I assume is Christian Grey running all over the place getting exercise. I already have nothing in common with the male lead and have no investment in this film.

  • The camera has panned to show him in front of his closet trying on one of eight of the same suit and what I assume are fifty shades of grey in ties. So far I have been able to deduce that I am watching American Psycho or Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother.
  • We finally meet the Romanian princess Anastasia and she has bangs, a floral button up and is giving Zoey Deschenel a run for her money in a race for who is the most frumpy recluse in America.
  • Fuck, I downloaded a version with Asian subtitles. If the movie wasn’t ruined before, it surely is now. The movie was already ruined I just hate when I get what I paid for, or lack thereof, when it comes to downloading illegally.
  • Things we know about princess Frumpington ten minutes in: she is really smart, overwhelmed by tall buildings in city skylines and may or may not be a lesbian.

  • Or she knows she’s about to meet that guy with the weird sex dungeon (SPOILERS)
  • Mr. Grey will see her now.

  • Barney Stinson’s secretaries all appear to be better looking than Frumpalina, which leads me to believe this guy this guy is gay or he surrounds himself with really attractive women to overcompensate for his small penis.
  • Makes more sense why Frump Queen has been invited to conduct an interview with him. Low expectations. She tripped walking in and totally shattered any dreams Barney Stinson may have had about banging her on his desk upon their first meeting.

  • She forgot her pencil for the interview, she is super unprofessional but luckily he’s got a pencil to give her in the first of what I will assume are a million sexual innuendos.
  • He looks twenty. Is he twenty? How the hell is he in charge of this company. It had to have been handed to him by family, there’s no way he worked his way to the start of an enterprise at twenty.
  • That means he is lazy or they casted poorly, but either way I’m already bored with this movie, like if this was a first date I would have asked for a check and mentioned that the chit chat was covered over tinder.
  • There is so much sexual innuendo in this that I can’t take it seriously.

 

  • He is not gay according to her interview questioning. I’m not buying it. I mean if that does end up being the case I guess it is good because I feel like the movie would have turned out so much differently.
  • Maggie has stated she just wants to watch only the sex scenes. I inform her that as a dedicated blogger I must push through the intense grey set design the filmmakers chose and make it through ALL scenes of this movie.

 

  • Okay so in Mr. Grey’s interview he was polite and courteous and smart and intense so he’s probably a good guy and like isn’t this is how it always starts? Do girls even try to gauge the crazy nowadays? How exactly does one identify a psychopath?

 

  • We’re back at her kitschy apartment with her amplifyingly hot roomate where she, plain jane, is opening a plain loaf of white bread to suit her plain Jane needs. So far the loaf of bread is the best actor in this film.
  • She gets on the phone with her mother and from what I can tell this woman’s relationship with mom is strained which is funny considering how strained is part of the word restrained. Lol at bondage jokes.

 

  • Cut to homegirls work and th…woah this motherfucker stalked her to the Home Depot she works at. Maybe a red flag? No? Oh! An opportunity to flirt, please carry on!
  • Cable ties and masking tape are on his grocery list today
  • And rope

 

  • He’s either looking to fasten down a tarp for his highschool graduation party or he’s gonna put someone in a very precarious predicament.
  • Plain Jane can’t function talking to him, but like…does that actually happen? Every girl I’ve ever talked to has never been at a loss for words when they want to say ew no go away, creep.
  • He should have bought a shovel and Lyme to throw her off the scent of his prison hostel dungeons

 

  • Good news though, he still managed, after all those creepy purchases to get her to go the hotel he was staying at.
  • Bad news he only invited her to take his picture.

 

  • This storyline is horrible…Did this book really do it for all the women of the world? Like I’m all for the whole movement of viva la woman and Rihanna’s ‘S&M’ song or whatever sparks butt play amongst even the most proper of people, but did grade level writing that is loosely based on twilight fan fiction really get y’all’s jollies in a bindle?

 

  • He doesn’t do the girlfriend thing and therefore he has to let her go. Am I the only one that has used that line before? The last time I used that line I ended up dating the person I said it to.
  • Does this mean the movie is over now?

 

  • Nope, guess not, because this motherfucker wants to toy with her emotions. So he bought her collector series books, which implies that, well… I guess he didn’t have to let go of her THAT much
  • Cut to the next scene and she is doing shots at a bar with her gay bff that looks at her like he wants to be in her pants yesterday.
  • Christian is home contemplating his lust for her (or whether she has any single guy friends) surprise surprise and apparently drinks white wine. Honestly I bet he knows where it’s from and the grape type and whatever blends went into it and shit about tannins and regions and shit…

  • Now they’re on the phone and he doesn’t like that she is drunk. She hangs up on him and Lol Christian won’t stop calling her back, just like the needy boyfriend who doesn’t wanna be the boyfriend but wants to control every aspect of your life.
  • He is coming to get her at the bar…even though he has been drinking…tsk tsk Mr. Grey
  • Speaking of which five bucks says he shows up and he is wearing grey
  • Gay bff is not gay, though the decision on Christian Grey is still out. We’ve all played that card before though, right? Oh I’ll totally spend the night watching chick flicks and bonding with you and not even remotely thinking about you naked and on top of me. And then you cry ONCE during ‘a walk to remember’ and your shot is ruined…

 

  • Christian has arrived and he has grey on, and I’ll take that five bucks.
  • She barfed on him, now he has grey and brown on. Not a good color combo. He can probably pull it off though.
  • He took her back to his hotel room which happens to be bigger than my entire house I’m just saying, like what the fuck did I do so wrong in life that this guy can pay my mortgage for a nights stay in a place like this and I get to come home to my dog rolling around in his poop because he keeps eating people’s shoes so we have to crate him while I cry in the shower alone every night?

 

  • His accent comes through when he is acting sometimes and I can’t take it. Motherfucking casting directors could pick from eight billion handsome people and you couldn’t find ONE handsome American actor?
  • He makes a necrophelia joke, she again, does not see any red flags.
  • He eats her toast for breakfast like, super sensually, but still, that motherfucker would have lost a finger if it was me sitting across from him. I don’t fuck around with my toast.
  • He explains that he doesn’t do romance. So so far it sounds like he just wants to bang. Like period. No relationship, no romance. So I’m pretty confident it’s just sex…
  • …Or he is a murderer.

 

  • Laying the innuendo on heavy again and she wants him to enlighten her. Wink wink.
  • He needs her written consent to touch her, and I assume the rest of the movie can only go downhill from here. It seems like a reasonable request from a serial rapist on parole, but maybe he is just a really good guy that gets “No means no’.

 

  • Grey’s brother is shaggy from scooby doo.
  • Maggie (my girlfriend, not a film character) is getting a weird female giggle thing down while we watch this movie, first it was cute now it’s distracting me from figuring out if there is an actual plot in this godforsaken piece of shit referred to as a movie.
  • He gets her car service home from her job and a helicopter ride waiting for her like WHO THE FUCK CAN COMPETE WITH THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT!? No one ever takes me on helicopter rides before they introduce me to bondage.

 

  • Idea for a plot twist: he shoves her out of the helicopter once in the air and turns out to be a serial killer who then gets down with the male driver of his car service limo.
  • Kidding, my luck isn’t that great
  • His “home” place is okay, in like an “I bring in at least eight figures” kinda way
  • Okay so, she signs a contract not to talk about him because obviously he has a reputation to protect as a non psychopathic sex freak. Why can’t people just be more open minded…
  • He opens the door to the sex chamber (It’s red)
  • I hope he likes scat play because anistasia just shit a brick
  • Don’t worry, he has rules for how this whole ‘taking control away from a person and beating them with rods’ thing works and good news! If she obeys his commands she gets him as a consolation prize. But not as a boyfriend. Or romantically.
  • How many people honestly would look at all this and be like hey yeah this seems like a good idea. Raise your hands. Head count?

 

  • She is a VIRGIN! Bomb just went off! Homeboy is not happy, but no worries apparently all is good in grey town and he has no qualms about being her first.
  • We have reached sex scene number one and she has chosen to wear granny-panties.
  • Maggie has the biggest grin on her face. Which confuses me because this movie is in no way doing anything for me.

 

  • Christian is officially no longer wearing anything grey. Because he is no longer wearing anything.
  • Oh good he’s using a condom, we don’t need any accidental psychopaths running around in the near future.
  • She is up cooking him breakfast. Apparently the morning after losing your virginity to basically a complete stranger the first thing you wanna do is make them breakfast and stay in their personal prison.

 

  • She must feel guilty or something because her face is super red, like allergic to getting laid red
  • There are now Boobs. The first boobs of this movie hooray. And by hooray I mean they’re just kinda meh.
  • Maggie agreed so I feel justified in writing that.

 

  • He has grabbed a tie and appears to be binding her wrists and asking her not to move. She keeps moving. Her ability to follow directions seems like it’s gonna be a problem In the future.
  • His mom has somehow walked into his house unannounced. Therefore she has a key. Therefore he is a mommas boy. I know because I am one.

 

  • Mom seems like a peach, super nice, so she’s hiding something. And this is apparently the first woman mom has ever seen him with. So Mom probably thought he was gay. (Join the club)
  • He doesn’t wanna be seen in public with his sex slave, but he DOES want to have his cake and whip and flog it too
  • I’m starting to fall asleep, straight up.

 

  • They’re going on nature walks and recapping his backstory and is all super boring.His mom friend made him a sub. She was a dom. Blah Blah Blah. He bought her a MacBook Pro like it was a mc flurry off the dollar menu so she can research the kind of kink he is into. Seems a bit much when she could probably just search on her phone.
  • She seems to have come to her senses after researching. She doesn’t seem down with all of this anymore.

 

  • He doesn’t like that answer and Jk she wanted to be tied up she was just messing with him I guess?
  • She giggles-He doesn’t-probs about to commit murder I mean I wouldn’t laugh either.
  • What a great family film. I would love to interview some parent that brought their kid to see this with them because they couldn’t get a sitter.
  • Beyoncé is on while they bang, marking officially the first thing I agree with decision wise in this film.
  • He goes down on her with an ice cube in his mouth. Everyone knows icecubes are for ameteurs. He is probably getting the engine primed before he does it with a fireball candy.

 

  • She has problems with the contract agreement, but I bet it’s not anything too detrimental.
  • Address change-Shocker
  • No fisting-No genital clamps-no FUN
  • What are buttplugs? Like for the drain on tubs?

 

  • She needs Clarification of some terms. Hopefully they are ‘yes’ and ‘no’
  • Homeboy is sweetening the pot with a date once a week if she plays nice.
  • I think that he can physically smell her pheromones.
  • I’ve straight up seen pornos with better acting than this movie. She keeps building him up and breaking him down really abruptly he is going to get blue balls. Zero fucks appear to be given by her. I really hope she turns down this contract.
  • He said he wanted to fuck her into next week-That’s some space time continuum shit, you can’t mess around with that kind of stuff. This is either romance or Sci-Fi you cant do both.

 

  • He kinda looks like Dan from gossip girl. Great, now I kinda wanna start gossip girl over now. I’m more of a Chuck Bass fan myself but you know it’s the thought that counts.
  • She has officially graduated. From highschool?
  • And ah good they’re drinking to celebrate her saying yes to the contract. She’s probably gonna need a few more drinks in her to be okay with his plans anyway.
  • Alcohol and domination are always good combos for life choices.
  • He bought her a car for graduation. Shes gonna have to give so many blowjobs to make up for this gift. That’s like overbearing I have no idea how she is comfortable with this!

 

  • He is spanking her over his knee. Because she rolled her eyes. I am so happy Maggie just calls me an asshole when I do it, this would just make me uncomfortable.
  • Andddddd he left her alone to go to work. So like a man…
  • Shit I fell asleep…where are we?
  • She’s tied up.
  • He’s gonna hit her six times, and she is going to count with him.
  • Did Maggie switch this to an episode of Sesame Street?

 

  • She’s crying.
  • None of this seems sexy.
  • I have like an inverted boner.
  • I’m so un-turned on.
  • I’m gonna rest my eyes now.
  • No I’m gonna keep one open in case Maggie gets any bright ideas and tries tying my wrists with the plug from the table side lamp.
  • No one is happy. He is sad. She is sad. Everyone is sad. Apparently all that weird stuff he spent two hours of my valuable time warning her about didn’t go over well.
  • Can’t wait for the sequel. Hope they recast and go in a different direction. Like leaving this drivel in the book form which is already WAY further than it should have gotten.

I’m not saying the movie was bad. 

I’m saying the movie was awful.

I maintain that the white bread Dakota Johnson ate is still the best actor in this film by the end credits.

And because blogs are great fun, sometimes your friends from highschool make them, and because they are friends you plug them on your blog, even if their blog is about being a parent and having babies, and your blog is about pornagraphic adaptations of mommy smut. Somehow you just have to tie the two together to somehow make them work just so you can help them with the plug.

So please, take time to settle in for a nice read about the qualms of having children, from one of the many people I went to school with who got pregnant and married already and left me feeling like somehow I have not lived up to my potential.

But really, it’s a good read written by a great person.

MommAccountable

And as always, remember that most things are garbage.

Also I’m leaving for another vacation in two days with the girlfriend, and we all know how those go, so check back soon!

Fondly, and still uncertain how I can process thoughts after watching such horrible drivel for the sake of my girlfriend,

Me.

Standard

A Halloween Tale of HORROR: or how the food challenge went.

Dear Moms in their forties who think it’s their twenties,

Halloween is upon us, and we all know what that means!

Gorging our fat asses with candy while we binge watch ‘Once Upon a Time’ and telling ourselves that we’re gonna make it big someday, and life is gonna be worthwhile!

rachel green gifs

But there is also the more forgotten gems that Halloween bring to the table, the often sought after horror stories to frighten us to the core.

So after you bring your children to complete strangers doorsteps in search of future sugar dependencies, return home and put them to sleep, and crack open that large bottle of Malbec you’ve been saving for all of today since you bought it last night, kick back and filter through your child’s pillowcase while you peruse the following tale of horror which I have written for you specially this holiday!

Also it rhymes!

The Tale of Insurmountable Intestinal Damage:

On a night much like this, not to far in the past,
a young man decided, to get off his ass

He’d been planning for days an event most unpleasant,
that allowed him to stand out, amongst all the peasants.

Scott Disick Quote (About big star, gif, lord disick, peasant, peasants)

‘I shall show them’, he said with his fist clenched above,
‘that I can achieve greatness when push comes to shove!’

But as days passed he pondered a thought ’twas most scary,
if he failed in his task, ‘twould not be legendary.

dinner for schmucks - steve carrel shame GIF

His mind raced each night and his fears grew with time,
to let down all his peeps, a most horrible crime.

‘I need strength!’ this lad thought, as he woke to a new day,
‘So my friends will all know I’m as fierce as Beyoncé.’

image

So he researched and read, as the time did grow near,
and he summoned a plan to which he would adhere.

He had done this before, but not quite as big,
a food challenge which he’d consume like a pig!

lol animated GIF

‘I have watched Man v. Food and eaten before,
I’ll just walk in and beat it and walk out the door.’

For this challenge he figured could be done in a flash,
but a burger this big, it required some cash.
For the business must profit from the food that they lose,
whether in people’s bellies, or puked on their shoes.

funny gif animated GIF

So he saved up enough for the burger to sit,
in his stomach obstructing a few days of shit.

And what did this contain, that made one a winner?
Well it might as well have been a Thanksgiving dinner.

And I don’t mean just one plate, or as much as you’re able,
We are talking the whole fucking Thanksgiving table.

Eating Contest

He had eaten one once, on vacation for fun,
a 30 ounce burger, including the bun.

He had beaten that burger, took it down in one sitting,
And was not a bit worried that he wouldn’t be shitting.

With his face on the wall and a milkshake that followed,
his win it was better than all that he’d swallowed.

But this one was bigger, this burger he’d try,
well he’d have to eat five pounds, and try not to cry.

One Direction

He readied his will and alerted the masses,
on an upcoming Friday they’d get off their asses.
They’d follow in glee just to watch him gain weight,
while he shoveled food sealing his fat-asses fate.

And where would he die should his heart stop its beat
Wagon Train Barbeque in ol’ Schenectady.

allison is jealous

He awoke to the day he’d be shoving his face,
and left his work early to prep for the race.

He posted his threats where the whole world could see,
On Instagram and all his friend’s Facebook feeds.

smiley animated GIF

He drank pots of coffee and a whole lot of water,
To stretch out his stomach for foods soaked in butter.
And two English muffins were all he’d consume,
But just hours before his impending food doom.

His girlfriend arrived after all day at work,
To drive him and watch him eat food like a jerk.

Alex McCord singing Les Miserables on Couples Therapy deserves a Tony.

One by one they arrived, his friends by his side,
To root and to cheer while he swallowed his pride

There was Matt and Melissa, Rachelle and Kurt too,
Hillary, Jon and Matt, a cool dude.

A girl from his high school with whom he’d not spoke,
sat by with her beau probably hoping he’d choke.

annoyed gif

The waitress arrived and their order she took,
though the challenge was prepping, they forwarned the cook.

A glimpse he had caught of the burger in back,
And he feared that he may have a real heart attack.

shy gif

Back to the table he sat with a thud,
Ready to become this mass eating chud.
The waitress came over arms growing quite wary,
He realized he just might be screwed, it was scary.

IMG_0145
He dove in ferocious and ready to eat,
and this burger though big was a most tasty treat.

That’s when it dawned on him starting this session,
That all he’d be earning here was a life lesson.

zooey deschanel gif

A lesson that pulled pork and brisket would teach,
And Mac n cheese, cole slaw, eight ounces of each.
He’d plunder through bacon, two fried eggs and cheese,
Eight slices in all to bring him to his knees.
A one pound hamburger that’s really not bad,
But a bun that was huge, like the size of my dad!

DSC_0009

Deep fried jalapeños, onion straws just because
and he’d have to keep going, to prove what he was.
Two more pounds or so of fried onions and fries,
Enough to make normal men bleed from their eyes.
And all this concoction though balls hard to rhyme,
Must slide down his gullet in a half hours time.

brave gif

So he plowed through the proteins, and did it quite quick,
And that’s when he started to feel awfully sick.

side eye girl bye baby hangover angry gif

He rested and breathed while his time would diminish,
Melissa said out loud, ‘No way that he’ll finish.’

But he needed support not Melissa’s mean sass,
So he turned with his mouth full and said, ‘Kiss my ass!’

Ms-J-ANTM-Stare

The restaurant was hushed everybody in awe,
overwhelmed by all the consumption they saw.

And that’s when it happened, the mighty food wall,
when all of a sudden his will it did fall

tumblr_inline_mjwkxaEdAS1qz4rgp

With nine minutes left, his strength it did waver,
but our subject he did everyone there a favor.

For the food it did rise, up his throat to the top,
And he surely would boot, if eating did not stop.

So the scariest part in this horrific tale,
is he threw in the towel, a huge epic fail.
But with 5.5 lbs he choked 4.3 down,
and the restaurant though sad, sort of gave him a crown.

Out of all those who lost, like one seventy-five
he’d finished the most, and he walked out alive.

On the ride home he farted, his left arm went numb,
and that’s when he realized his food quest was dumb.

So in no more food challenges would our hero partake,
and he washed down his heart attack, with a thick ass milk shake.

Happy Halloween y’all!

And in case you’re impatient and scrolled ahead, here is a video of me reading it in loungewear with a pipe:

Still breathing but the left side of my face is drooping for some reason,

Me.

IMG_0146

Standard

A Food Challenge: Or how not to be a little bitch.

Dear teen moms, chocoholics and anyone currently wearing Burt’s Bees,

 

I would like to preface this entry with just a little background information. In my late teens to early “comfortable in this four year relationship” twenties, I consumed food like it was going out of style. A bottle of red wine looked like a juice box to me. A large cheese pizza, unlike the one Kevin ordered for himself in Home Alone which he probz wrapped some up and put in the fridge for breakfast, slid down my gullet with the ease of an Ellios personal pizza.

And there may have been a time I embarrassed people I somehow convinced to eat at a buffet with me, by wiping a few trays out of stock.

Like once.

Okay maybe twice.

Anyway the point is I was a hangry teen boy and I ate my feelings and coped with life by pretending salty snacks and unlimited whatever’s for $9.99 weren’t going to hurt my body.

Which is why I weighed like 260 pounds.

beauty

Ladies. Hello.

Yadda yadda yadda, throw a break up in the equation, some body issues and self loathing, and I was ready to get my posterior into shape. And also pants. That were smaller.

And so I did. But unfortunately, my ability to consume food like an asshole has been known to rear it’s ugly and overdone head.

funny animated GIF

Please note the following film titles that were recently released were actually written about me:

‘Just because you can eat all the sushi doesn’t mean you have to’

‘The never-ending pasta bowl is not a food challenge’

‘That Guy: ordering 8 rounds of endless apps at Fridays’

And so, while you were all snuggled tight in your cubicles at work or dumping ice on your head this past month to raise awareness for ALS, I was doing something so unproductive with my time it may actually be the most senseless thing I’ve ever done.

eye roll animated GIF

Last month I packed my bags with all of my size medium t shirts and 32′ waisted pants to visit the wonderful land of Tennessee.

Note those sizes kids, because in a week, everything will change.

Yes! A wonderful vacation with the all knowing and ever beautiful gf (mom, this means girlfriend) of mine at her mother and stepfather’s abode.

happy animated GIF

We were welcomed to the state by all of the beauty that the ol’ smokey mountains and teeth missing natives had to offer, and settled down for a nine day stay at an a-frame cabin just outside of Alcoa.

A small summary of Tennessee (or the part I was in) for those that have never been, in terms of what you see from the car:

Trees.
Lots and lots of trees.
$20 tattoo store. Attached to a gas station.
Gas: $3.12. (New York, eat a dick)
Hardee’s.
Trees.
Chik-fil-a.
Sonic.
Walmart.
Hardee’s.
Guns!
Bigger guns!
More bigger guns!
Church related building.
Giant crucifix.
Giant-er crucifix.
Mountains.

(20 minutes later)

Mountains.

Now, I will say that I had a blast, and the hospitality was great. Nashville is a hoot and honestly I didn’t have to hear that fucking ‘I’m ready’ song on the radio once because if you don’t listen to country out there, you’re a foreigner or just visiting from some place like Maine or New Hampshire.

But one thing that is abundant in this state is food. And it’s good food.

hot dog animated GIF

I’m talking beef jerky that tastes so flavorful, but is so spicy it could cause you to black out on the toilet but reach for another piece when you wake up.

I’m talking mexican restraunt after Mexican restraunt.

Salsa and chips until your balls fall off.

IMG_0121

Unless you don’t have balls.

Then just salsa and chips.

But like my last vacation that took me all the way to the land of crazy decisions on so many levels in Portland OR, I wanted to challenge myself.

Literally.

Luckily gluttons for punishment (literally in this case) like myself, there is a website called EatFeats where you can look up food challenges by state and city.

Well wouldn’t you know about thirty minutes outside of our vacationing town was a wonderful challenge I knew I had to do. So Maggie, me, her sister and her sisters boyfriend Angel (which we all learned translates loosely to ‘Little Bitch’ in English) ventured to settle at a table for optimal internal destruction.

The Chubby Burger challenge can be found at the Hot Rods 50’s Diner and this place was fantastic, wall to wall memorabilia and televisions playing show intros from long ago. Regardless the walls were also covered with a smattering of my fellow former competitors and their ‘accomplished’ times.

no animated GIF

Long story short I was about to attempt to eat a stupid amount of food (33 oz. Burger and 1 lb. of French Fries) and join them on the wall.

We placed our orders, and I asked our waiter, some guy that looked like he walked out of a Good Charlotte video and into this wonderful diner, what the record was and he muttered something about six minutes and someodd seconds.

drunk animated GIF

That was my goal. That was the glory I wanted to achieve.

And so after we ordered, this is the thought process that followed during the course of my epic food challenge:

Ok Alex we got this. Six minutes is nothing. All these people on the wall are inferior to you. Your gut can demolish their times.

Is this crazy? Should I do this? My friends are always amazed at how my stomach holds some things. That means I should.

Right?

Cheezburger animated GIF

Or are they worried for me?

If they’re worried should I do this?

What if I die? That would be the worst kind of impression to make in front of the girlfriends family.

waving animated GIF

‘Hi I’m Alex. I love your daughter. Wanna see me stroke out at a novelty diner over a novelty burger?’

The girlfriend seems proud. Her eyes are wide.

eye animated GIF

Proud.

Maybe proud.

Maybe gauging my heart rate.

Oh good the waiter is making his way over. I’m actually pretty hungry now that I think about it.

Despite the fact this is my second lunch-ish today.

smile animated GIF

Whatever he has our food it’s time to sack up.

What.

The.

Fuck.

IMG_0117

Who the fuck ordered a Mack truck?

Quick. Come up with a course of action! All your years of watching Man v. Food sitting on your ass have prepared you for this.

Why the fuck does he have a stopwatch? This is THAT legit?

We’re not gonna ballpark the time thing?

shrug animated GIF

Angel looks hungry as fuck.

I’m glad he’s doing the challenge too. I feel like someone else eating this much food makes me look slimmer somehow.

But what if he beats me? He’s already established his place in this family.

They like him…

You have to force dominance down everyone’s throats. Show everyone how much bigger your di…

Cheezburger animated GIF

…appetite. Show them how much bigger your appetite is.

IMG_0116

Make sure they all know you’re gonna make this food your goal for the next few minutes and when you’re done you’re going to look like king of the fucking jungle.

Beyonce.

beyonce animated GIF

You are fucking Beyonce.

Now who feels comfortable in their own skin? Huh?

You do Alex.

Ok, course of action. Don’t let them throw you off again. Cut the patties in half.

Good. Now eat the first four patty halves. Don’t bother chewing much. You’re a man.

You’re a pro at swallowing.

fox animated GIF

Wait. No.

Don’t say that out loud.

Shit this burger tastes good.

Stop, you’re wasting time dwelling on flavor.

This burger is bland! Think cardboard! Just swallow faster.

That’s what she said.

smile animated GIF

Heh.

Dammit.

Okay! The last patty!

Make the burger a burger now! Eat that shit whole and then you just have fries in the home stretch.

Shit you’re eating so fast. You’re the best. You’re the alpha male here!

wrestling animated GIF

Angel hasn’t even made a dent in his burger! And he looks full!

Damn Alex, you are so fucking attractive right now. You should get a time check you might beat the record!

Time check! Where the fuck is that waiter! Shouldn’t he be watching closely to make sure I don’t like, shove the burger in my pants and fake the win or something?!?

Hey waiter! Bring your stopwatch daddy needs a time check!

Seven minutes.

reaction animated GIF

Damn.

Well thats okay! Now you might not barf, you can slow down!

Woo hoo! You finished the actual burger! You’re a king!

I wish I had a mirror so I could watch myself eat this burger.

If I had a mirror though I wouldn’t be able to see Angel across the table though.

Look at that little bitch across the table, taking little bitch bites.

IMG_0120

Wait, is his girlfriend making fun of him?

Did she just call him a little bitch out loud?

Fucking awesome Alex, you look so good right now! Ugh! Don’t stop compounding the problem with more cheese and grease!

facepalm animated GIF

Let’s deal with these goddam French fries now!

Squirt ketchup and mustard all over them! Flavor changing tactics are officially your niche!

Do a fist pump to celebrate your milestone!

Left arm won’t move?

I wonder why my left arm is numb.

Am I supposed to feel light headed?

swag animated GIF

Don’t get side tracked.

Maggie is so proud of you. She didn’t call you a little bitch once! Look at her holding back tears of joy for you.

Or vomit?

reaction animated GIF

Maybe she’s trying not to vomit?

Either way, no girl has ever looked at us like that before Alex.

Except Melissa that morning you ate the pound of bacon by yourself in the garage.

And the time you took your tinder date to the Capital Buffet.

And the time that you worked at the pizza shop and burnt the one pizza but only the center and the rest was fine and so you ate the whole thing because who the hell are they to say you can’t do anything with that pizza just throw it away hell no don’t throw it away you just eat it yourself and cover it in bleu cheese fuck the world you’re a pizza eating god.

ryan gosling animated GIF

Ok so maybe a couple of times.

These French fries are cold what is this shit? Whatever just eat them with a fork.

Wait. This mustard tastes horrible on these.

Who the fuck dips French fries in mustard.

Alex.

You.

Dumbass.

people animated GIF

I’m either full or I have a large mass growing inside of me.

Maybe I’m pregnant?

Oh my god I can’t raise a child…I do food challenges for fun…what kind of parent would I be.

Maggie noticed somethings wrong. We can’t have this baby. I can’t be pregnant. Reassure her everything’s fine.

IMG_0119

It must be the food. It’s probably gas.

There’s still a whole plate of fries.

But I can feel the food level inside of me like halfway up my swallow hole.

We have to finish Alex.

You can’t go home defeated. And all eight of these people eating here are counting on you.

They came to see you win.

applause animated GIF

Or get lunch.

But whatever you can do this. Drink some soda!

Shit that’s good soda.

The carbonation is giving me gas.

We definitely shouldn’t fart right now. Seriously who the hell knows what would happen with this much food inside of you.

office animated GIF

You can go to the bathroom when you’re done.

Ah crap I have a cramp.

Rock back and forth. Curl in the fetal position and pretend you’re somewhere relaxing and warm. Like bed. Or Hawaii.

Don’t cry, it’s going to pass.

Everyone is noticing. Your eyes are tearing up. Quick do something tough.

*flexes bicep*

Good. They get the point.

miley cyrus animated GIF

Or their confused.

Either way no one sees the tears.

Six bites left baby you got this.

Why does very bite feel like forty five pounds?

Will they still count it as complete if I’m harboring the last four bites in my mouth because there’s no more space in my throat?

One bite left!!!!!

Left arm still numb. Use the right one! That’s it!

Damn it’s so heavy. Put it in your mouth.

happy animated GIF

Swallow!

Maudit animated GIF

Yes!

You did it!

IMG_0118

You are the fucking princess!

Someone find that guy from Good Charlotte! Tell him I beat his wimpy ass challenge!

Yeah that’s right! Stop that stopwatch.

Stand up for your victory!

Legs not working?

Fuck it, right handed fist pump!!

happy animated GIF

Look at Angel!

He’s so done.

Pfft.

Ameteur.

Now we look really good.

We did so good.

Let’s order a milkshake now.

IMG_9922

Let’s further this issue with liquified dairy and pretend we’ll see zero complications come of this.

And that kids, is how I got myself on the wall of fame, became a doctor, won a t shirt, and lost sight of a size 32 waistline to this day.

IMG_9925

And I regret nothing.

Still breathing but not sure how,

Me.

Standard

Look Mom, I joined Tinder: A Social Experiment.

Dear World,

First and foremost I want you all to know that I never intended for the tattoo I got to cover most of my lower back, I was specific in my description to the artist and he took some liberties with size and shape. I promise it’s not as bad as it sounds, and please don’t listen to any of the haterz that might tell you it is a ‘tramp stamp’.

That implies I’m easy and we all know how selective I am in who I let take advantage of me.

Listen, we all hit that lull in life. I don’t want any of you to feel down about yourselves when you get there. It’s a point when you have crucial decisions to make about life. Its a point where you need to weigh your post degree options for employment. It’s a point when you’re on your own and everyone tells you it’s time to truly discover who you are as a person which is horseshit, they just can’t say sucks you’re single again without sounding abrasive and mightier than thou.

You will eventually get back up on the horse you rode into the world on and you will become the best person you have ever been.

I’m guessing of course…I’m not really in control of the world. You may end up being a blob who lays in front of their HULU plus account all day that slings meth for a living to desperate ladies of the night willing to go above and beyond for that next fix.

Either way, I have read that the key to success is to make life what you want it to be. I believe it was the night janitor of my office building who once said:

“Would you like me to get rid of the garbage?”

And yes. Yes, I genuinely would like the garbage from life removed. Such a wise man to speak such prophetic questions!

But where do I start?!

By meeting new people of course! No, not out at the bars silly! We don’t do that! I’m speaking of course, of the only logical place to meet anyone these days…

…the Internet.

Now pay close attention Mom and Dad, fellow readers, I’m talking about legitimate social sites! I wont be flying cross country or anything to meet someone who has four shared interests with me according to their profile blurb, because that would just be crazy and honestly no matter how much they promise it will be action packed and exactly like that movie ‘Taken’, I am really seeking something low key.

I’m going local, and I’m being smart about it! I won’t go outside a fifteen mile radius, and that’s my final offer here for these new people, and frankly it seems like a good way to limit the plethora of individual I will undoubtedly rope in with my honest to goodness ‘about me’ details.

I signed myself up on three websites to meet people initially because my friend Foo, the Asian one who isn’t really named Foo but absolutely lives up to every single Asian stereotype…

…well he told me they were not useful, full of robots and girls that stand you up at the movies, and quite possibly the biggest waste of time in the universe…and I really thought that it would be a good morale booster based on that description.

Really though, people go about it all wrong. Humanity doesn’t understand the way the masses respond nowadays. They don’t genuinely want to know who you are, or what you’re into when your not helping your cat clean itself at night during a riveting episode of American Idol.

Foo, and world, take note. I have perfected the craft. These are my legitimate profiles:

Tinder:

20140123-092724.jpg

Now this site, from what I understand is basically a dating site that comes with the connotation that you want to make the sex with a mutually interested sex maker. Like getting coffee but with your genitalia if you will!

The part that is interesting/unbelievably uncomfortable about this app, aside from possibly getting plugged by a complete stranger, is that you show your mutual sex interest in the most shallow way possible. Here’s how it works:

Step 1: User picture pops up.

Step 2: Judge the absolute and utter fuck out of this probably genuine human being solely on how they look.

Are they unbelievably attractive?

20140123-085345.jpg

Absolutely!

Swipe them to the right! You want to bone them. Be proud.

Do they appear as though they may have been hit by a truck/be missing an appendage/actually be a psychotic axe murderer hell bent on revenge because their ex left them for someone much fitter and muscular than you and all you can do is sob about it night after night?

Swipe that shit to the left.

You’re not interested.

They can make the sex without you.

The nice part about this app is that until the other person shows interest in you as well…you’ll never see/hear from them ever again! But if you mutually swipe eachother to the right…it sets you up to start messaging them things about you. Like how ham gives you really bad gas. Or how Michael Jackson may be your illigitamate love father, but you’ll never see a dime of his money because the other four brothers are selfish.

Anyway you’re allowed to type an about me, but it is limited to a certain amount of characters, kind of like using the Twitter, so I knew if I had any chance at convincing anyone to swipe me right, I absolutely had to come across irresistible.

20140123-091026.jpgNailed it.

OkCupid:

20140123-093741.jpg

So this site is fun! While it can be used completely for free, the creators want to limit you to minimal interactions with your new cohorts. But for a small fee you can beef up your profile and even find out when and where and how often people are re-reading your bio to gain insight into who you really truly are, and making it easier to meet up/slip something in your drink/make you their living Barbie doll tied up in their basement. It’s like prostitution but amongst new friends if you pay, so I picked the free route. It has absolutely nothing to do with me being a cheap bastard.

First they suggest you pick a really nice user picture, not because society is shallow and stuff and ready to nix you at the drop of a hat because you look like Rita the Elephant Woman or Bobby the King of Facial Acne, but because when people read your deets they’re gonna want a face to go with all those little fun facts about you. I chose that squinty one from above again, because why alter perfection, right?

By the way Mom, how proud are you that you and Dad made the sex and that was the result?

(Oh, I wonder if I should add date of conception to my bio? TBD…)

Awesome! We’re on our way here! Readers, are you paying attention? This is were it becomes crucial!

Filling out your info:

Now we want to be honest and not at all misleading here, yet at the same time, we need to make ourselves look attractive and appealing as fuck using only our words. Here’s my about me:

20140123-094613.jpg

Awesome!

The new people that look at us are going to appreciate our honestly and that is what people value most nowadays.

NEXT! We have to talk about things we are good at. Take a moment and reflect on all the things you do in life.

Are you actually good at anything?

Yes?

Put that shit down. And be super specific, people fucking appreciate specificity.

20140123-095027.jpg

I don’t want to be boastful, but at this point we should really clear our schedules for the next couple of months because we’re going to have zero free time with all the babes and buddies rolling in now.

20140123-105042.jpg

Wait! Stop it!

What the hell was that Alex?! That was TOO honest.

No girl is going to read that list and think to themselves, ‘Man I sure am glad this guy was honest. He seems like straight up husband material, what with the O.C. being his favorite show…snatch him up now!’

Quick! Recover with something clever…maybe even a lie…just make yourself look good before you lose their attention.

20140123-105548.jpg

Phew!

That was close. Just stick with that mentality for the rest of these forms.

20140123-105748.jpg

Superb job!

Your favorite food is a vegetable which will draw in only people fit and unbelievably in shape like your sculpted self. Also, decent call with the mosh pit portion, nothing says masculine like bumping into sweaty teenage boys just to feel something comparable to your cold soul dying inside that shell you call a body.

20140123-110243.jpg

Perfection!

More honesty and a pop culture reference?! Maybe you should open a business writing people’s profiles! It’s amazing you’ve been seeking that special someone instead of already being tied down!

20140123-110618.jpg

GUYS!

Are you still paying attention? Do you see what I did there?

I took pity, and passive aggressiveness and mashed them together to create one ass-amount of appeal and reason for everyone to reach out to me.

And finally…make sure you alert everyone of your political standings! But do it subtly!

20140123-111019.jpg

That’s right brah…pro choice 4 lyfe.

Plenty of Fish (POF):

20140123-143042.jpg

Readers, this one is super useful. You basically just answer a bunch of questions about yourself and fill out a few quick blurbs and it starts matching your personality with people and it lets you know who you’re compatible with. It’s easy and you are going to meet the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life…your perfect life mate.

Let’s get down to business!

Start with a bio. Try to make it a little different from your other ones…but keep a common thread or two in their in case you bump into the same people from other sites! How faux pas!

20140123-143549.jpg

Solid choices.

You see? We left a little bit more mystery here, but allowed the reader to pursue more if they deem us socially acceptable and pretty enough to be seen with in public.

Same squinty faced picture.

Stop trying to change me world.

Now the big question. First dates. Woof.
20140123-144149.jpg

More specificity, interest in “Girl Power”, honesty. Safe to say we officially got this down. Let’s try not to blow it on the interests section.

20140123-144432.jpg 20140123-144507.jpg 20140123-144557.jpg

Straight up readers, if you made it this far and proofed that entire list with nothing but head nods and sure utter agreement, then there is nothing more you can learn from me. There is just one thing left to do before you try to ‘lure’ in some potential interests…

The tag line.

Everyone will see this when you view their profiles/stalk them/vote them at a five star rating because they look like they’re in shape but they have really just figured out the perfect shirt to make their man-boobs look like pecks. It’s important to get your point across in this one sentence and make sure everyone knows you are taking this whole thing really seriously. Here’s a few of my personal favorites from people this website tells me I’m a perfect match for:

20140123-145219.jpgI am absolutely in agreement with this.

No wonder we matched up girl.

20140123-145232.jpgWhy at the library? I barely read.

She’ll never buy it girl.

20140123-145242.jpgObviously. Who the fuck doesn’t?

As long as you’re talking about ‘Goodburger’ that is.

20140123-145252.jpg

I’m not even sure what this means.

I am genuinely concerned with getting this thing stick though.

20140123-145305.jpg

Yo. We haven’t even met yet.

I’m starting to think you might be super needy if you give up that easy.

20140123-145329.jpg

I mean…

…like a second head? On one shoulder?

20140123-145342.jpg

Legally? No.

Also, you really shouldn’t be doing the whole online dating thing while you drive.

20140123-145355.jpg

Online? On a dating site?

I found you?

20140123-145428.jpg

Yeah…there is no way you and I could have matched up.

Amateurs.

Don’t worry guys, after all this prodding into my personal life while setting these accounts up, I know exactly what to put to make sure people take a gander:

20140123-145633.jpg

So friends, Mom and Dad, and anyone else who just killed fifteen minutes reading this, I’ll make sure I keep you updated with posts about the interesting people I meet. My hopes are high, and I’m in good spirit about this…

…but Foo is probably right. It’s probably not gonna work.

20140123-151907.jpg

20140123-151925.jpg

20140123-151944.jpg

Standard

A Sick Son-of-a-bitch.

I awoke today with this great sense of self-awareness. I was ready to begin with the vigor that most people see in their day-to-day.

Like if you snapped out of your dream from the night and ‘New Slang’ by the Shins faded in to wake you up, and you just kind of looked at life and thought to yourself:

‘This is the day. I’m gonna do all the things today.’

That’s what happened this morning.

Then I barfed at a diner.

It was actually quite interesting.

You see the new year has been really going quite solid for me so far. Nothing unbelievably out of the ordinary or life-altering. I pinned a few more things to my secret wedding board on Pinterest, I started this blog, and I have maintained my day-to-day interactions with the world around me.

 photo tumblr_mggah0Chnk1rlmi42o1_500.gifBut I have been sick for two weeks now.

Not like…’Guys, we need to have a talk’ sick….

…but sick none the less. You see for me being sick isn’t really a thing. I am not a fan of the doctors and I don’t really go as often as I probably should. It is what it is but waiting rooms creep me out. Anyway, I rarely get sick, and when I do I pretend its like not happening and it usually goes away. We’re talking like once in a blue moon, honestly.

But when I do get sick, it is bad. Incapacitating-bad.

Like…”Mom, do everything for me and can you pour that glass of juice down my gullet because I’m too weak to fend for myself here”-bad.

But since New Years I just kind of assumed that I was basically getting all of my yearly illnesses out of my system. Who the hell wants to be sick sporadically throughout the year anyway. Give me all of it at the beginning of the year. Set me up with the Noro Virus, pink-eye, and a chest cold all at once. I will absolutely be that guy that gets over it and spends the rest of the year watching people get super pukey because their immune systems aren’t used to the toxins of the everyday world.

Like maybe get off your Play Stations and see the world!

Don’t you people know you’re supposed to beat the shit out of your body so you get used to the crummy stuff that flies around day in and day out?

As I have gotten older though, I have noticed my regimen for taking care of myself has changed from the beginning, whence I was a baby boy. Back in the golden years my mother and father had one of those nifty measuring spoons you poured the medicine into the handle where it measured the quantity, and then you passed it along to your child who regrettably downed it in hopes that the color of the medicine was going to match the flavor, which it never did.

By my teen years I was fully accepting of trips to the doctor where he would have general conversation regarding my genitalia and how it was changing and then he would prescribe me a Z pack to take care of basically anything my body could have gotten into when I was younger.

But now, as an adult, there is all this expectation that you’re supposed to take care of your body and you’re on your own in doing so. And who the fuck came up with that idea because it sucks.

My doctor is on the opposite side of town and getting there is a pain in the ass so I wait until its at the point that no one is going to want to stand within a five foot diameter of me before I will concede and agree to go sit at an urgent care facility nearby. The doctor will feign his interest in my symptoms and prescribe me something I have never heard of that most likely generally cover a wide array of illnesses.

Well for all that effort I would rather take care of all these illnesses myself! I’m stubborn enough as it is and I don’t really want to take a medical professional’s opinion to heart today. I’d rather say it’s probably this or it’s probably that.

All I know is they make medicine for the day time, the night time, and the kind where you just need to get away from the symptoms. That sounds pretty self explanatory and I know for a fact that the guy next to me on the CDTA is getting irritated with me sucking snot out the back of my throat day after day, so bring on the Mucinex.

Well New Years’ midnight stroke passes and I wake up New Years day with the  abdominal pains of what I can only relate to child birth…like really uncomfortable but not all that bad in the grand scheme…

…right ladies? That’s accurate?

Anyway I proceed to spend the whole day evacuating liquids and solids from my system because, and lets be honest, who wanted them there in the first place? I do the responsible thing and call my parents in Florida to cry over the phone and complain about how life is ending and the world has no light anymore…the usual.

I reach out to my overly-happy and in-love house guests for the holidays, and request they pick me up the biggest vat of gatorade they can find, and some bananas. I’m not sure what the bananas do but my dad said to get it and honestly I haven’t kept anything else down so it’s worth a shot since they’re mushy if they have to come back up.

I am very specific that in my request that I do not want the yellow gatorade because it tastes disgusting and if you disagree we have nothing in common and you should stop reading this now. I don’t pay them back because I’m cheap and miserable and they’re happy and in love so it seems like a fair trade. My bartering skills are top notch.

Somewhere in the following day around noon, my body clams up and decides we’re all set and we can start keeping things inside again…

Then I settle into my cubicle at work the following monday, alive, awake, alert and enthusiastic.

And then I cough.

And then I cough again and its crunchy this time.

About an hour later my eyeballs start getting warm. I made this point the other day to some friends and they looked at me like I had eight heads, but if you’ve ever been sick…which you should have unless you’re Bruce Willis in ‘Unbreakable’, which you’re not…you absolutely understand what that symptom is like.

So I go home and lay on the couch and put on some Boys II Men, and sob softly into the terry-cloth blanket now draped over my face, because I have come to terms with the fact that I am getting sick and I am by myself. Two fever blockers, some melatonin and it’s off to bed for this pretty pretty princess.

The next two days are about as happy as me watching my cat hump the aforementioned terry-cloth blanket while I shovel saltines into my mouth. My face is evacuating pretty much all fluids that are built up inside of it, and the cough that was once crunchy has turned wet and solid at certain points. My body feels basically like someone backed over me with a tractor trailer and I can’t focus on anything because there is steam coming out of those little pink nippley things in the corner of your eyes.

So heres how this goes-25 years old and coming to terms with the fact that you’re not healthy:

You get approached by several co-workers asking if you’re taking anything.

Then they ask if you need them to donate sick time to you.

Then you get the point.

You are officially that asshole at the workplace.

So you take two days off and you make your way over to the rite-aid where you purchase a handle of orange juice, the least expensive cough drops you can find, and two bottles of the store brand ‘Tussin’ that contains absolutely zero alcohol.

And so the next four days of your life are going to be a hazy, exhausting, and terrible barrage of tissues, mucus and regrettable text messages where you come across exceptionally whiney and helpless.

And here we are!

The cough is gone. The mucus is gone too.

And you wake up with every intention of furthering your frequenting of diners on the weekends. You meet your coworker. You order your usual rye toast, coffee, and side of bacon.

Then you get light headed, and a quick a minor sweat sets in and you realize you wore a tank top and a hoodie to brunch and there is absolutely no logical reason you should be a furnace at the moment. So you make your way to the bathroom, excusing yourself politely, and come to terms with the fact that there is a person pooping in the only stall available (by the way this is a huge problem in my opinion…what if more than one person has to go?) and the man standing at the urinal is unfortunately going to have to watch you toss it like a prom queen into the garbage.

It was embarrassing and I composed myself pretty well for being that guy in the bathroom at a diner throwing up the only food he had put into his body today. But then you get back home and you sit and you realize, what if you’re back to the stomach virus?

What if you just keep getting sick?

What if this is a never-ending circle of doom and gloom for your insides and you just gotta get it out?

Well, personally…it is not making me look very forward to the week ahead.

But it is making me re-think my tactics for healthcare at this point in my life.

Look at you 2014. Teaching all kinds of lessons.

Standard