A ‘Dear Justin’ Letter : On behalf of the World.

Dear Justin,

Hey man.

Yeah yeah, I know I know. I’m great. Stahhp it.

But listen, I wanted to reach out because I feel like you need some support. It seems like you have hit that awkward teen stage in life where you lose all sense of your pre-pubescent roots, and now your grasping for friendly hands as you drown in your own errors.

Like many teen starlets who started out at a young age, you’re traveling down a very dangerous road and the world is watching as you’re on your way to becoming yesterday’s garbage-y news.

I need you to understand, you’re not the same person you used to be, and I’m not sure what happened between you and Usher but first thing is first, you gotta get that man back in your corner.

That Scooter guy you have walking around with you is clearly not doing his job. Look, do you remember when you first started out?

You had so much promise. You had your very indelible vocal abilities and your hair was everything girls wanted atop their boyfriends head when they met up with them after first period in senior hallway.

You were young, blossoming and about to embark on the world of fame, but you got thrust into it way to hard. Touring must be difficult for such an attractive guy, and I feel you on that front, what with the bags under your eyes and then trying to maintain such juvenile and boyish looks.

We are basically in the same boat there buddy.

Take a look at your earlier work though…

In ‘Bigger’ on your debut album, you spoke about how the haterz look small to you because you are bigger than they are, and your love was bigger than them.

Your maturity was flourishing. It was almost like an adult had written that song and you performed it…

…which we know isn’t the case since the music industry is filled with people who write their own music and don’t sell out to larger record labels to only put out glittery shit-storms of poppy goodness.

I mean you had lyrical genius back then! Remember ‘One Time’? It’s probably been a while since you sang it live but you showed off your basic math skills to us repeating ‘you plus me’ over and over…

To tell a girl that her world is your world, and that your heart is her heart?! That’s some shit people usually save for marriage.

Biebs, even I don’t have that lesson figured out.

Then you dropped some gems like ‘One Less Lonely Girl’ which assisted in building, and populating your fan base. Honestly if having young girls following you around and exploiting the fact that they all believe every word you speak is meant for them is wrong, then I wouldn’t want to be right.

Even ‘Baby’, oh dear god, I think even I looked at you with a glimmer in my eye.

It was a masterpiece, and your dance skills finally came to the surface in the magic video. You even got Luda on the track!

LUDA!

And lest we forget Selena!

You landed the most age appropriate and gorgeous teen star that hadn’t become a meth-addicted cat lady yet. Have you SEEN her lately!? She is fine as hell! And you gave that up?!

She could have like, anyone in the universe, and you took a pass on it after a year or so of dating?!

She’s doing great for herself too! ‘Come and Get it’ was like a summer anthem for me thanks to an overly obsessed ex that insisted it was the only thing we listened to while we were making out.

Do you know who the world has seen you running around with since the break up?!

Jaden Smith.

Not even the cool one, Willow!

He told kids they should drop out of school Justin! What kind of example is that to set when a revolution is in your hands? (Side note: if y’all are still close, give him a swift kick in the nuts for the travesty that was the ‘Karate Kid’ remake)

Look something went terribly wrong man, and I know what happened.

You cut your fucking hair.

No but really, hear me out!

That was all it took, and then you began your spiral. From my point of view, here is what I saw happen:

You started REALLY young and you were good at what you did, and then puberty hit, you styled your hair differently and you gained the classic child star confidence that my exes all seem to gain after they leave me.

Nothing phases you and you’re out to prove to the world that you’re the best there is.

Your balls dropped and there was a legitimate crisis in the universe about whether or not you were going to be able to pull things off with a deeper voice. And you did! But then you got some tats.

Justin, tattoos are in fact cool, and they should be really meaningful too. But like, look at some of the things you’ve permanently put on your body…

What do they mean Justin? And why would you get a king jerking off in front of a castle? That doesn’t even make sense…

Then you started becoming this angry ball of fire that I just didn’t know anymore. Do you remember the time you threatened the paparazzi in your car?

You used the f-word.

I lost some respect for you that day man.

And from what I gather so did Selena, because before we knew it the two of you had separated and she was back on the market. I’m sorry I sent her so many letters pleading with her to love me and telling her I would treat her right, I just got caught up in the moment.

We’re still cool right?

Then you stopped wearing the purple and black combo, the largest error in my opinion. You switched to wearing all these really dumb ridiculous clothes that don’t even make sense to look at.

Sometimes you just didn’t wear clothes.

Then your new album drops and it is just filled with poop Justin. Your voice is so good and you are doing songs with Nicki Minaj?! That’s like Justin Timberlake doing a duet with Taylor Swift.

It’s poop Justin. You have to utilize your powerful voice again, you can’t just go around singing about heartbreak from a relationship you yourself ended.

And you tried to come up with a catch phrase but it didn’t even pan out for you! WTF is ‘Swaggy’ Justin?!

Lil Jon had ‘Yeah’ and ‘Okay’.

DMX just used to growl and bark at his listeners.

…but even so they both worked out for them.

‘Swaggy’ sounds like a combination of sweaty and saggy and neither of those are words people want to think about when listening to your performances.

Try harder Justin.

Then you started getting in trouble with the law and all hell broke loose. You were speeding around residential neighborhoods, putting children’s lives at risk, and pissing off your neighbors.

Justin do you know how to be a neighbor? I live next to a sassy elderly woman who gives me vegetables from her garden to make soup. The other side is a house filled with teenage drug dealers, but they leave me alone and only contact me to notify me that there is a chicken loose in my back yard and they are dispatching search and rescue teams.

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They’re not jerks though. They’re nice people. It’s something you need to work on.

But recently you’ve become a monster. DUI? Drugs?

Your drinking the syzzurp Justin?

Do you know who drinks the syzzurp Justin…?

…Lil’ Wayne…

Do you know who takes him seriously Justin?

Nobody.

Nobody takes Lil’ Wayne seriously.

Everything you’re doing is super negligent and irresponsible. I even read that you called a young fan a ‘beached whale’. Have you seen ‘Blackfish’?! Whales have enough problems to deal with, without having to worry about you using their name to cut a young girl down and make her feel like garbage.

You’ve become hardened Justin, and today I read that you were arrested in Toronto for an assault on a limo driver.

What did he do Justin?

Did he make a wrong turn?
Did you arrive late to an event you were going to bitch about being noticed at anyway?
Did he not chill the bottle of Crystal you aren’t even legally able to drink yet?

…did he call you out on your bullshit?

I’m not a hater JB, but right now you need some tough love.

What you need is a game plan to get back to where you were a few years ago. Here’s what I’ve come up with for you:

1. Deal with all your legal hooplah. It shouldn’t be a long or hard process, you have a lot of money, and your pretty face wouldn’t last a night in jail without getting passed around more than a football in an NFL game. No judge is going to put that tight little…

… complexion of yours in danger.

2. Let your hair grow out a little. Like, a medium length. Or shave it. You need to find out who your true friends are, and there is no better way to learn that than by fucking with one of the main reasons your famous.

3. Stop putting out songs with terrible artists.

(Not you BIG SEAN, ‘Dance A$$’ is an anthem for me)

Sean Kingston? Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-Lover? Really?

Also, I’m not sure what you were thinking, but I’m pretty sure I speak for the rest of the world when I point out that collaborating on a song with Chris Brown about love and what a woman means to you kind of speaks for itself nowadays…

From now on do it on your own or only pick from this list:

Trey Songz
Ne-Yo
Ariana Grande
Jordin Sparks
Willie Nelson
Maroon 5
Outkast
Britney Spears

Remember, you want to stay relevant. I know it’s in the works but really, cancel your collab with Limp Bizkit.

Classy. As. Fuck.

4. Dress like a good person. You wanna know who is relevant in the minds located in women’s pants?

Understand?

5. Stop breaking the law.

Don’t drive like an asshole, we have enough non celebrity humans in the world to do that. Obey traffic laws, and don’t be a shit head behind the wheel.

Drugs are dumb, but weed will be legal in like two years anyway prob so can’t you just wait instead of going on blunt cruises and bong-rip road-trips?

Stop spitting on, yelling at, insulting or laying hands on…well anyone. It’s not becoming and you look like a super huge douchebag. There are a lot of normal people out here that can handle stardom better than you are so use common sense and stop being so mean all the time dude.

Finally…

6. Stop making movies about your life to stardom. If people want to see you perform they’ll buy a ticket to your show. If they want to see pre-fame Bieber, it’s on YouTube. There are so many other celebrities the world would prefer to know the history of, so pump the breaks and stick to walk on roles in like really terrible parody movies.

That’s what dying talent does nowadays.

Okay? Do you understand Justin?

Please, on behalf of the world, and your fan base alike…

Stop being shitty.

Fondly but realistically, your probably number 678 fan,

Alex

P.S. Start writing your own songs. ‘Beauty an the Beat’ is horse shit and for you to be able to party like it’s 3012, you want to party like you’re dead. Is basic math man.

Also Nicki Minaj is obnoxious. Common sense bud.

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An Open Letter Re: First date with my future wife.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Well I did it!

I have been spending a lot of time on the internet meeting some really cool people through all the dating sites I signed up for. The world is such an interesting place filled with decent human beings absolutely looking for legitimate bonds with others!

Let me lay the scene out for you:

This past friday evening, I was out and about chatting up the local Starbucks barista over what I think was my fourteenth cup of coffee for the day…

…though I can’t really remember because I lost my sense of smell somewhere around cup twelve and got genuinely concerned…but I am now able to see into the near and not too distant future so as far as I am concerned I came out of that predicament on top!

Anyway! I was waiting for a meet up with my small bundle of friends for a birthday dinner when out of nowhere my phone was uncontrollably spasming in my pocket. I was in the middle of a really uplifting Alicia Keyes ballad in the corner of the store when it went off…

…and caused the melody to cease and buffer.

Needless to say it took every ounce of strength in me to not smash the phone for leaving me high and dry on the high note when it cut the song off. It’s really hard to stay on pitch when the generic alert sounds of the iPhone go off.

Well even though I stopped seeing colors at cup of coffee number 7, I was able to make out what popped up as a message from OkCupid.

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Guys…someone wanted to meet me!

It was really inspiring, they basically told me flat out that we were going to be dating for a really long time, which by not having even met me, I knew was a good sign. The discussion progressed as follows…give or take:

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I knew that because this was my first attempt at true love with a human being, I had to knock it out of the park:

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Nailed it!

She pressed on with some interesting details about herself:

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She seemed really normal and said some really flattering things about the way I texted to me as well…and it was clear I was irresistable:

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And after that…I responded with the only logical question I could:

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Perfect.

We talked a bit more before I headed out and she made sure to touch base on all the important questions still left to ask…

  • What is your bank account number?
  • What is your Social Security ID?
  • What is your Mother’s maiden name?
  • Could you direct me to the spare key hidden behind the fourth bush from the left in your back yard, just off to the right beyond the back patio?

…all of which I answered eagerly as I knew this was going to work out and it just made sense to cut to the chase!

Anyway this female…

…what was her name again…

…whatever, thats just an extraneous detail, I’ll make sure I find out again on our second date…but for now I’ll call her Selena Gomez…

…well she basically told me I was everything she was looking for in a man. I was initially confused because I am pretty sure my profile reads like that ‘Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day’ book you used to read me as a kid.

Speaking of which…good choice reading me a book that was about how miserable life is for a kid that had the same name as me…I feel like it was really influential in the man I grew up to be. We couldn’t have gone with something uplifting like ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ or ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, because then I probably would have had a much brighter outlook on life, and THEN where would we be?!

Well we basically made out via text message for about a half hour as my caffienated fingers typed every word that popped into my head before I had time to think how terribly they may come across to a complete stranger.

My flirtation skills were so smooth there is a chance she may be pregnant from the conversation we had, I am like 80% sure she isn’t, but it’s okay if she is because I am absolutely prepared for that responsibility in life and by the time I need to take a kid anywhere I should be able to drive again!

Well she asked me what I was doing with the rest of my weekend eventually and I told her verbatim:

“I have standing plans from monday to order a large cheese pizza, throw on a pair of footie pajamas and make my way through the entire first season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ on Netflix.”

She told me immediately to cancel and we firmed up plans to meet up in the real life.

IN THE REAL LIFE MOM AND DAD!

Well I knew that my relationship with Netflix was solid enough to reschedule for a later date, so I took her up on it.

Netflix always understands.

I knew this was a big moment for me and that I had to absolutely pick something perfect for a first date.

Well I answered her back and I made it as convenient as possible and I think I knocked it out of the park.

“What are you doing at 7 A.M. tomorrow?!”

BOOM!

Of course no one would have anything planned that early on a saturday so it would be perfect and I was certain she wouldn’t have any plans already!

I told her to meet me at the one place I knew I couldn’t go wrong.

Also that it was within walking distance…

The Wolf Rd. Diner.

I know. I know. How am I still single right?

Well, I went to the birthday dinner and I just couldn’t get over the excitement of what was coming the next morning! I hardly slept and when I did wake in the morning, I rubbed the Prada Bags under my eyes, threw some hairspray in my untamed and refined glob of hair atop my head, and embraced my puffiest winter gear to brave the sub zero temperatures.

The sun wasn’t even up so I knew we were off to a good start…she was really going to value the fact that I made plans early enough for her to still have the rest of the day to dwell fondly over how awesome the date went!

I got there forty minutes early and had plenty of time to drink three cups of coffee while I prepared for meeting my future wife.

I pulled out my composition notebook that I had been documenting all of my tips and tricks I learned while watching rom-coms and Ryan Gosling films for research, and I buckled down on my memorization skills. I perfected all the lines I was going to use:

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“It’s always been you.”

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”

Then she walked in!

Mom…Dad…we are going to make you beautiful grandkids…

In fact, despite my studying tactics, that was the line I lead off with when I met her. She seemed really happy…her eyes got really wide and she started looking around to make sure everyone else had heard how romantic I was being…

She asked me how often I meet up with people from the internet after we sat down, and I kindly explained that whole time I jetted off to Mexico with what turned out to be a drug kingpin and his wife. That was the last time that I agreed to ever get involved in a devil’s three-way without genuinely making sure there was no ulterior motive after they tied me up in the rented motel room we agreed to meet up in.

She had pancakes and I made sure to order something light, so I got bacon strips tossed with a lot of onions, because they are mostly water or something…I dunno, I read it on the internet somewhere. I could tell she regretted her decision the minute the food came because she had to plug her nose to keep from ingesting the fumes from my meal…

…it was evident she couldn’t smell it or she was going to need to call the waitress back to change her order to what I got.

Well anyway we talked about many topics over the course of the twenty minute date before she had to leave because her uncle’s twice removed cousin was in the hospital for accidently ingesting too much elbow grease…

…which she explained is toxic if swallowed.

Long story short, she was feeling the date so much that she was on her phone the entire time, telling all of her friends about how great it was going I assume.

She only asked me if I was sure that I was not gay once, which is really good considering how often they usually ask!

Selena was a little quiet, which is ok because it’s something we can work on…

…come to think of it she didn’t really talk about herself a lot at all, so I talked about me the entire time, and I even made sure to fill in the awkward silences where it looked like she was about to speak, just so she felt appreciated and not at all like I expected her to reach out past her comfort zone.

And don’t worry about the awkward ‘Who is gonna pay” tango at the end. I know how first dates work! The woman always pays because the guy will always be paying for things during the rest of the relationship.

I gave her the ol’ “you got this?” line.

Anyway I killed the date and I told Selena I couldn’t wait to start doing this on a regular basis. She shook my hand…

…taking things slowly…

…and sprinted out the door with excitement and peeled out of the parking lot leaving me feeling great about the experience as a whole.

Well she was speechless, I obviously killed the curve as far as online dating goes because I didn’t hear from her for an entire day even though I was texting her frequently!

But I heard back from her yesterday and it was better than I could have expected:

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She got her days mixed up because that ‘someone’ she met was actually me…she was playing it coy…but you can see how eager she was to get back to me about hanging out again. She even wants to bring her friend into the mix!

I’ll let you know when I pop the question mom and dad.

Love(but not too much because I have to save some for my future wife),

Alex

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